Monday, October 8, 2012

 
For a full genealogy chart/pedigree for God go to:



For a copy of the full re-write of the New Testament, called The Tenement Gospel, go to:



Old Testy Men

By
Ester Lighthorse



 

The First Book of Masa: Called Geronimo


 


1

 
1:1 In the beginning of everything, or at least around the time of the beginning or sometime right after, man created the story of God creating the heavens and the earth.

1:2 Now the first couple of versions of creation stories were pretty boring and devoid of anything of real interest; the story itself wasn’t dark enough, and the spirit of God always seemed to be a bit clingy and hovering. Then the following story was finally agreed upon, written, signed, sealed, and delivered.

1:3 So, God realized that he wasn‘t going to get real far in the scheme of things if he simply continued to sit on his ass in the dark, and he pestered the folks at the local Universal Gas and Electric Company until they gave him a divine account. And then there was light.

1:4 And even though God thought that the electricity rates were a bit high and the customer service wasn’t all that great, he figured that the light was pretty good. After all, who wants to go about their lives in the limited revelations of a flashlight or a campfire?

1:5 And it happened that while he was turning out the kitchen light God was overcome with the spirit of inventiveness and decided to call the times when the lights were out ‘night’ and the times that the lights were on ‘day.’ Then did God flip the switch a couple of times and say, Look! It is day, it is night! It is day, it is night! It is day, it is night!

1:6 Then did God say, You know, I bet if I let this light ferment a little bit we could get some moisture.

1:7 And God added to the light a little sugar, a little fruit, and a little heat. Thus were the fermented waters created and God did call them wine and spirits. And God divided the wine and spirits and gathered them in places.

1:8 And God called the places where the fermented waters were gathered in bars and watering holes, Heaven. Then God flipped the switch a couple more times and called it the second day.

1:9 And God said, Let the waterholes that serve the wine and spirits be divided up into various lands and it was so.

1:10 And God called some of the lands Compton and some of the lands Logan Heights. And God saw that none of this land was very good at all, but what the hell, right? He really didn’t want to start over, so he said it was all good.

1:11 And God said, Let the earth bring forth the best grass ever, the kind of herb yielding the greatest high when smoked, and let there be poppy seeds with which to make all sorts of wondrous mind-altering delights, and the cocoa tree yielding cocaine bearing leaves after its kind, whose high is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.

1:12 And the earth brought forth some bomb-ass grass to smoke, and oodles of herbs yielding seeds that gave the user the best high when smoked, and the cocoa tree yielding cocaine bearing leaves, whose high is in itself, after its kind: and God smoked a little bit of everything and thought that it was pretty damn good…not necessarily because it was good, but because he felt pretty damn good.

1:13 And God flipped the kitchen light switch on and off, and ‘twas the third day.

1:14 And God said, Let there be various versions of light beers in the Heavens that serve the wine and spirits. And divide the lagers from the amber beers; and let them be for sporting events, and for weddings, and for birthdays,

1:15 And even let the beers be for all parties where there may be served fermented waters of the Heavens: and it was so.

1:16 And God made two of the absolute greatest light beers; one of these light beers tasted better than the other, and the other of these light beers wasn’t too filling.

1:17 And God set the beers in the lists of available booze in the menus of the Heavens in order to give those upon the earth more choices of inebriating tinctures,

1:18 And to induce hangovers in those who would over-indulge in the fermented light, and to provide the wicked men who stormed the New World a tool with which they could use to distract the Native Americans so that their native lands could be openly stolen: and God saw that it was the birth of Machiavellian Politics.

1:19 And God hit the switch again, and ’twas the fourth day.

1:20 And God said, May the bitter waters of politics bring forth the monstrous and generally evil creature that hath no true life, for it shall be run by foul men and women that hath no concern for those in their charge, and it shall be called government.

1:21 And God created government, and every demented creature that

moveth within government, which the paper-clogged buracracy brought forth abundantly, after its twisted kind, and every foul politician after his kind: and God saw that it was about as jacked up as it was going to get.

1:22 And God cursed them, saying, Be sure to really abuse the governing power vested upon you, and multiply all of your financial holdings whenever possible, and fill the congress with uncooperative assholes who live their every moment to move to the every beckon call of the lobbyists, and let foul practices of those in government really screw up the earth.

1:23 And God flipped the kitchen switch again, and ‘twas the fifth day.

1:24 Then God said, Let the stadiums of earth bring forth every sport after its kind, football, and soccer, and baseball, and cricket, and croquet, and swimming, and every sport of the earth after its kind: and it was so.

1:25 And God made all the sports of the earth, and then after some thought God also added the sports of the fermented waters such as Beer Pong and Quarters: and God saw that it was a pretty good idea to mix booze and sports.

1:26 And God said, Let us take some of our own genes and splice them with that of Neanderthal man and all other cavemen so that they will be in our image, after our own genetic tendencies, and talents, and potential: and let us see what the intelligent man we create does with the gift of reasoning that we shall bestow upon him and all of his kind, and how this man treats the other creatures upon this earth, and how this man utilizes his divine power of creation, yea, even how this man treats himself and all of his kind.

1:27 And so God descended to earth in a chariot of fire, kidnapped numerous Neanderthals and cavemen, proceeded with a series of experiments with gene splicing, and once satisfied with the results, returned to earth in the chariot of fire, and set free upon the earth the new man he had created.

1:28 And God charged the new men, and God said unto them, What has been given unto you, and all of your kind, is both divine, and neutral. The responsibility and consequence for anything that is created by you, and all of your kind, shall be upon your shoulders, regardless of whether or not that which has been created is good or bad.

1:29 Behold, I have given you great power, which is both the power to create, and the power to destroy.

1:30 And therefore knoweth ye, that the day you create something wicked, or destroy something good and great, you shall surely regret it.

1:31 And God saw that the history of man upon the earth had been set into motion, and, behold, it was bound to be quite an interesting ride, indeed. And as before, God flipped the kitchen light switch, and ‘twas the sixth day.

 


2

2:1 Such was the creation of everything in the universe, in only six days at that.

2:2 And it came to pass that on the seventh day God decided that he really didn‘t feel like creating anything else; well, truth be told, it was Sunday, and who doesn‘t know that Sundays are for football?

2:3 And God lounged on the seventh day, watched every football game, and ordered take-out: because the truth of the matter is all work and no play makes God a very dull deity.

2:4 This is supposedly a reliable story about how God created the world, a story written down by mere mortals claiming to be under the direction of God who commanded the story to be written down word for word, so that men would not forget that God had sole rights when it came down to slapping someone around and telling them what to do. Whew.

2:5 And every ganja plant of the field grew in the earth, and every psychedelic herb of the field grew, and every high-producing tree brought forth plentiful crops. And since God had not yet caused it to rain upon the earth, and since man was too goddamn lazy to do any of the work himself to till the ground,

2:6 God conjured up a mist from within the bowels of the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground. Well, truth be told the first couple of tries resulted in something more along the lines of Mississippi flood waters than a mere mist.

2:7 And the LORD God formed man out of some spare parts he had laying around in his garage: vise grips, lighter fluid, a borrowed lawnmower, a non-functioning weed whacker, and some spring potting soil.

2:8 And the LORD God created tenement housing so that the man he created would be in the worst places possible.

2:9 So, out of the ground made the LORD God to grow tract tenement housing and dilapidated multi-family complex housing that looked like something out of a post-apocalyptic society,

2:10 And cops patrolled these dwellings created by God, but the police presence did little to improve the condemned communities since drug dealers and vast numbers and varieties of thug gangs badly outnumbered the authorities.

2:11 The names of several of these communities were Compton, Golden Hill, Logan Heights, Lemon Grove, Lakeside, and South Central. And God noted that it shall be that no matter what city you go to all of the bad sides of town will generally and quite reliably always have the same names.

2:13 And God created extra special housing in which to house those who had been booted out even from tenement housing,

2:14 And the names of the most prominent of these special housing units were Pelican Bay, Donovan, Riker’s Island, Corcoran, and San Quentin.

2:15 And the LORD God took the man, and put handcuffs upon his wrists,

2:16 And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, these cuffs are just a teeny-tiny taste of what will happen to you if you fuck things up. So play nice, dammit.

2:18 And the LORD God said, the man I have created is lonely and perhaps I should create and give unto him anti-depressants before he decides to off himself out of pure sorrow and want of human contact.

2:19 But the Lord God changed his mind and decided to create a bunch of different kinds of animals to be the man’s company.

2:20 And the man had a jolly time of it naming all of the animals, giving some of them really jacked up names like ‘duck billed platypus’ and ‘blue footed booby’ and ‘dung beetle’ and ‘cockroach.’

2:21 However, God saw that the man was still lonely, and so God gave the man some bourbon in order to get him drunk. When the man was finally three full sails to the wind he passed out and God took the opportunity to fence one of the man’s ribs.

2:22 And the rib the LORD God had taken from man was formed into another human being, a woman,

2:23 And the man said unto the woman, you shall be called a bitch, because you haven’t even been standing here breathing in air for ten minutes and already you are bitching and moaning for me to mow the lawn and dump the goddamn trash.

2:24 Therefore it is for such reasons that men will divorce their wives, lose everything they own in many a lengthy and expensive divorce, and move back in with their parents.

2:25 And God saw that not only were the man and the woman at each other’s throats constantly, but that the tendrils of depression were already beginning to wind themselves around the emotions of those he had created, and it was then that the Lord God realized he would have to create anti-depressants after all.

 


3

3:1 Now the Lord God was a sneaky son of a bitch and he proved this when he created the serpent, and for whatever reason the Lord God made it so that is was the serpent who was more subtle than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made, to include the man and the woman that had been made. The Lord God said unto the serpent, go and see if you can convince these fools to do something stupid that will rouse my anger so that I may kick them out of the garden.

3:2 And the serpent said as he bowed low to the ground, My liege, what it is exactly you wish for me to do and what amount of authority and power will you give unto me in the process of executing that which you request?

3:3 Serpent, replied the Lord God, I could give a rat’s ass and a good goddamn what you do so long as you get them out of the garden.

3:4 And the serpent said, And what shall be done after that which you have requested has been completed? And the Lord God smiled widely and said,

3:5 Actually I was thinking of cursing the two ninnies I have created as well as all future generations, blaming everything on your smarmy and evil nature, then developing some kind of plot or plan that I can give to the idiot man and woman so that they may suffer every moment of their existence in some way while at the same time believing that if they behave well enough and believe in the right things they will be saved.

3:7 And the eyes of the serpent squinted with great confusion and he said, Saved? By whom? And from what? And why blame me for anything? What the hell did I do? And the Lord God rolled his eyes and sighed in frustration, saying,

3:8 I mean saved by me, Serpent. Think about it. This garden is too ever-loving boring to actually stay here in eternal bliss with a human creation that so far has done absolutely nothing to earn that bliss. I figure to make things a little more interesting, more worthy of an Emmy Award for best soap opera.

3:9 Blaming you, the Lord God continued, adds a little spice to the whole story, right? The more we jack-up the life situations of man and all histories of man, the more crazy information and fears and crack-pot ideologies we slip into his spirit and mind and body and soul, well, the more entertained we shall be.

3:10 And we will share all the powers to manipulate anything, because fair is fair. I did not mention that part before because I was not sure you would agree to such a thing in the first place.

3:11 The serpent slowly smiled as he warmed up to the idea that he could play marionette puppeteer with the humans on the earth. And the serpent said to the Lord God, So basically we confuse the hell out of these people. That actually sounds kinda fun. When do we start?

3:12 And the Lord God said, I was thinking why not start right now? The serpent nodded in giddy excitement and said,

3:13 So what story do we concoct to get them out of here? It can’t be anything too easy or cheesy, either. I mean, the game has to last forever, right?

3:14 True, true, mused the Lord God. Why don’t you get them to do something that they have been forbidden to do? Then, I place heavy punishment upon them for disobeying. What shall we present as forbidden? How about a special tree they cannot eat from upon threat of death?

3:15 That sounds pretty good, the serpent congratulated. Why not make it two trees with one tree bringing divine wisdom and eternal life in some really great far away place, and the other tree also bringing wisdom, but also bringing death?

3:16 Yes, replied the Lord God, I like that idea. And we should also switch the identities of the trees so that they end up eating from the wrong tree to begin with. Once they have eaten of the wrong tree so then shall they be driven from the garden and the very face of God.

3:17 Lord God, asked the serpent, what shall we do after they have been driven from the garden? Serpent, replied the Lord God, I do not know. I have not thought that far. But thou shalt not worry thyself, Serpent. We have all the power in the universe to make things up as we go along.

3:18 And it was so that in that very day the Lord God pointed out the forbidden trees to the humans, purposely telling his creation that they may eat of a certain tree when they should not, and that they should not eat of a certain tree when they should.

3:19 Then did the serpent approach the woman and say unto her, Woman, hast thou yet tasted of this tree? I have not, answered the woman, for the Lord God has commanded that we shall not touch it, lest we surely die.

3:20 And what about the other tree, asked the serpent? Have you not yet tasted of it? Hast not the Lord God commanded that you may eat of it? Yes, said the woman, I was searching for the man so that we may dine of the tree’s fruit together.

3:21 Then did the man approach to where the woman and the serpent were speaking, and together the man and the woman took of the fruit of the tree and did eat. And immediately the pupils of the man and the woman dilated with the strong toxin of the fruit.

3:22 Then came the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden, calling out to the man and the woman and inquiring as to their whereabouts. And he discovered his creation hiding behind the tree and asked them both, What is this that thou hast hid from me?

3:24 And the man said, We heard you in the garden and were afraid for you to see us as we are high. And the Lord God was angry with the man and the woman and said,

3:25 This garden has a zero tolerance drug policy which you both have now violated. From this day forth you are forbidden to enter this garden. Unto the man the Lord God said, Why hast thou hearkened unto the woman? And the man said,

3:26 Lord God, the woman you have given me is defective. All she ever does doth grate on my very soul, her nagging is excessive and I took the fruit she gave me and did eat of it only to get her to shut that trap she calls a mouth.

3:27 And the Lord God asked the woman, What is this that you have done? And the woman answered, The serpent reminded me to eat of the fruit you commanded and I did. Lord God, this is the very tree you told me to eat of. I am sure of it. But the woman was not so sure, for the Lord God made all the trees appear the same in the garden.

3:28 To the serpent the Lord God said, Serpent, thou hast lied unto the man and the woman and in doing so have signed unto them an eternity of sorrow and death that can only be redeemed with blood. From this day forth so shall you be cursed to creep upon your belly.

3:29 Unto the woman the Lord God said, Because of this thing that you have done you are cursed and from this day forth will experience great pain in rearing your children, for you shall say one thing and one instruction to your children, and the man shall say another,

3:30 And as if such a domestic circumstance is not enough to make thou crazy and thy emotions frazzled, so shall the man also drive you to the brink of insanity with his philandering, laziness in house chores, and lack of emotional intelligence.

3:31 Unto the man the Lord God said, Because of this thing that you have done, so shall the woman nag you and nag you and all men after you until you pray for death or deafness,

3:32 And it shall be that the most blessed and holy mow I have sewn in the fields for your smoking enjoyment shall gradually be labeled as illegal, and so shall you find you must hide the holy mow from those who would imprison you for being in possession of it.

3:33 Thus did the Lord God drive the man and the woman he had created from the garden, and so did the Lord God place an electrified fence with razor wire around the perimeter of the garden so as to prevent them from re-entering.

 


4

4:1 And the man and the woman fled from the garden that God had created for them, and they gave each other names, the man called the woman Eve and the woman called the man Adam.

4:2 And Eve did bare unto Adam two sons, Cain and Abel. Cain manufactured methanphetamine and Abel tended flocks.

4:3 And it came to be that Cain and Abel decided to bring offerings unto the Lord God so that they may pay him homage. And Cain brought unto the Lord his meth-producing laboratory set-up.

4:4 And Abel, he brought to the Lord the smallest and weakest of his flock. And the LORD was perplexed at both of the offerings and said unto Abel, Why have you given unto me as a show of your fear and respect the weakest of your flock? How does that show fear and respect?

4:5 And unto Cain the Lord said, What is this you have brought unto me as a show of your fear and respect? Manufactured drugs? And what the hell is that smell? Don’t you know producing meth creates dangerous and explosive fumes?

4:6 And the LORD saw that Cain’s expression was wroth and he said unto Cain, Why is thy countenance wroth? Why are thou angry?

4:7 If thou had half a brain thou wouldst bring unto me Oxycontin, Percocet, or Xanax and not meth. Doth thou not know this? If thou doest not well in the eyes of your drug kingpin or pimp daddy, your sin lieth at his door and he shall not open when you knock.

4:8 And unto Abel the Lord said, put this poor weakling of an animal back in the flock with its mother and let it grow as it ought to. Only he who is of low intellect brings unto the holy something living that may be killed in order to show homage.

4:9 And the LORD was irritated and left from the faces of Cain and Abel. And as Abel was helping Cain to pack up the meth laboratory set the static from his clothing sparked the highly flammable fumes and there ensued a large explosion, and Abel was no more.

4:10 And at that moment the Lord returned unto where Cain and Abel had been in order that he ask of them a question. When the Lord saw Cain standing alone in the field, his clothing singed, and burning materials scattered about he asked Cain, Where is Abel thy brother?

4:11 And Cain answered, Lord, I am not the keeper of souls that have expired so I do not know. And the Lord immediately put it all together upon hearing Cain’s words and seeing the scorched earth. And the Lord was angry with Cain and said,

4:12 What is this thou hast done unto thy brother? Did I not tell you that the fumes from the meth lab were highly flammable? Cain pleaded with the Lord, saying, Lord I did not know that static from clothing could ignite the fumes,

4:13 The woman who is my mother shall kill me for Abel was her favorite. Lord please help me to escape the forthcoming wrath of my mother as her punishment unto me will be more than I can bear. And the Lord did help Cain to escape the wrath of the woman who was his mother, informing the parents of Cain and Abel that the two brothers had been kidnapped by a band of traveling gypsies.

4:14 And Cain swore off the meth and said, Behold, meth hast driven me out this day from the face of my family; and my brother is dead because of it; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth for I have no damn clue about any other place than where I have been born and raised.

4:15 And the LORD said unto him, Fear not, Cain, for I have checked the GPS on my cell phone and there is a land called Nod that is but a year’s journey away, but I have brought you this camel so that your travels shall only be but a few months.

4:16 And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of the south side of west of the northernmost reaches of Eden.

4:17 And Cain and his wife did the deed and she conceived, and bare Enoch, and yes, this presents a problem because you have to wonder where the hell did Cain find this woman to take as a wife? And who were her parents if Adam and Eve were in fact the first people on the planet? And if that were so in all truth, then did not Cain marry his own sister?

4:18 And Cain built a city and called it Incestia, and his own family grew in number. Unto Enoch and one of his close relatives was born Iraq: and Iraq shacked up with one of his sisters and did bare a son named Meka-lecka-hi: and Meka-lecka-hi did one of his sisters and bare Meka-heine-ho:

4:19 And Meka-heine-ho shagged one of his sisters and she did bare Lame-ass. And Lame-ass took unto him two of his first cousins as wives: the name of the one was Peaches and the name of the other Hunny-bun.

4:20 And Peaches bare Jack-ass: he was the father of such as dwell in alley-ways and park benches, and of such as have many convictions for sex crimes.

4:21 And his brother's name was Half-ass: he was the father of all such

as mishandle political and non-profit organization funds.

4:22 And Hunny-bun, she also bare Tubal-steak, an instructor of every

sexual position imaginable: and the sister of Tubal-steak was No-more; No-more was abstinent.

4:23 And Lame-ass said unto his first cousins…err, his wives, Peaches and Hunny-bun, Hear my voice, ye cousins of Lame-ass, hearken unto my ramblings for I have lain with a man,

4:24 If anyone shall make this known to the Lord I swear to Jesus I will kill that person myself. And Peaches and Hunny-bun said unto Lame-ass, Do you really think that a Lord that allows for rampant incest will give a good goddamn about you laying with another man?

4:25 And Adam doeth the deed with Eve yet again, and she did bare a son, and called his name Spic, saying, For this son of mine doth resembleth Antonio Montana in the movie Scarface.

4:26 And unto Spic, to him also there was born a son, and he called his name Ether. And then did men begin to call upon the Lord, demanding that he present himself and account for what hath become the jacked-up condition of humanity, especially in relation to the rampant incest.

 


5

5:1 This is supposed to be the book of the generations of Adam. However, as things doth go, expectedly so, there have been many a revision, addition, or retraction. Thou shouldst keep such in mind as you readeth this. In the day that man created the Lord God…whoops! Forgiveth me, I meant in the day that the Lord God created man in the supposed likeness of God made he him,

5:2 In considering such you must ask yourself that if the Lord God did in fact create male and female in his own image, doth that not mean that the Lord God is comprised not only of that which is male, but also that which is female?

5:3 And it came to be that Adam thrived for one century, a score, and a decade, and begat a son in his own likeness, and called his name Spic. What thou shouldst find interesting is Spic be one of the few in early humanity whose mother and father were not of familial relation.

5:4 And this, what doth be the real kicker in the story, the fact that the woman Eve was formed of the rib of the man Adam, consider whether this doth infer that Adam is either committing incest with himself, or that ultimate creative strength and power doth indeed cometh from within.

5:5 And it came to pass that Adam lived for an amount of time parallel to the age of a great Sequoia. The woman Eve grew weary of his presence and inquired of him, Why dost thou not die? Then, when the man Adam finally reacheth the age of three score and a decade less than a millennia he finally succumbed to the infernal nagging of the woman Eve, and he died with a smile on his face.

5:6 And Spic liveth for quite a penis-shriveling amount of time, and yet his seed producing testes had not turned to dust, thus he still was able enough and begat Ether.

5:7 And Spic lived for what amounted to yet another lifetime of a great Sequoia, adding mightily to the genetically defiled population of earth with several of his own relatives.

5:8 And then did Spic die. Ether lived one decade less than a century, and then did he begat Co-cay-ee-nah. Ether lived half of a decade longer than one century less than a millennium, adding to the genetically defiled numbers of humanity, and he expired.

5:9 And Co-cay-ee-nah lived a score and a decade less than a century, and he doest the deed with a relative and begat Ah-boom.

5:10 And Co-cay-ee-nah lived another unbelievably large chunk of time, adding to the genetically defiled population of earth, and he expired.

5:11 And Ah-boom lived three score and half of a decade and begat Chick-a-rocka, and Ah-boom lived for an absurdly exaggerated length of time, adding to the genetically defiled population of the earth, and he died.

5:12 And Chick-a-rocka lived four score and seven years and begat Chick-a-rocka-chick-a-boom. And Chick-a-rocka lived eight more centuries, adding to the genetically defiled population of the earth, and he died.

5:13 And Chick-a-rocka-chick-a-boom lived three centuries, four score, and half of a decade, and he begat Chick-a-rocka-chick-a-rocka-chick-a-boom.

5:14 And Chick-a-rocka-chick-a-boom lived one half of a millennium longer, and he died having only added one person to the genetically defiled population of the earth.

5:15 And Chick-a-rocka-chick-a-rock-chick-a-boom lived three decades and one half of a decade and three years and begat Ah-boom-chick-a-rocka-chick-a-rocka-chick-a-boom.

5:16 And Chick-a-rocka-chick-a-rocka-chick-a-boom lived one score less than half of one century shy of one millennium, greatly contributing to the genetically defiled population the earth, and he died.

5:17 And Ah-boom-chick-a-rocka-chick-a-rocka-chick-a-boom lived one century, one score, three-fourths of a millennium, and six months and begat Eros.

5:18 And Ah-boom-chick-a-rocka-chick-a-rocka-chick-a-boom lived three score more years and died.

5:19 And Eros lived four and one half score and begat Philios.

5:20 And Philios lived three decades and three years and begat Agape.

5:21 And Agape lived one decade, one half of a decade, and three years and begat Conundrum.

5:22 And Eros, Philios, and Agape were not; for the Lord God took them.

5:23 And Conundrum lived one century, two score, one decade, four years, three months, one week, six days, nine hours, seventeen minutes, and forty-five seconds and begat Paradigm.

5:24 And Conundrum lived for what seemed like forever, and since no man ever came upon his body, he was assumed to have died.

5:25 And Paradigm refused to inform anyone of his age and he begat Conclusory.

5:26 And Paradigm simply disappeared from the sight of everyone.

5:27 And Conclusory lived six centuries, three score, one half of a decade, and one year and begat Pragmatic.

5:28 And Conclusory vanished under suspicious circumstances.

5:29 And Pragmatic lived one score and begat twin sons Protagonist and Antagonist, and Pragmatic was killed by his son Antagonist. So, all the days of Pragmatic were two score and six years and he died.

5:30 And Antagonist lived one score and four years and begat Antithesis.

5:31 And Protagonist lived one score and four years and begat Hypothesis. Hypothesis lived two score and one year and begat Synopsis. And it came to pass that Synopsis, Hypothesis, and Protagonist were all killed in a suspicious fire at the threshing mill of Antagonist,

5:32 And Synopsis was survived by his son Noah, who was placed in the care of his relative Antithesis. And when Noah had lived three centuries he begat Shem, Ham, and Japheth.


https://sites.google.com/site/esterlighthorse/
http://justlivingbyfaith.blogspot.com/
http://makinggodangry.blogspot.com/

http://familytreeofthedivine.blogspot.com/

http://cholababy.blogspot.com/

Friday, June 29, 2012


"Turkey Broth for the Spirit: Confessions of a Born Again Atheist"



Provided below is a short sample:




Turkey Broth for the Spirit: Confessions of a Born-Again Atheist



 
By
Ester Lighthorse
Copyright 2012 by Ester Lighthorse
 
 
Author’s Note:
This book is not a work of fiction, and it is not a work merely based on true facts here and there with a good peppering of artistic license. It is written exactly as I experienced it. I have, however, changed the names of the people involved, and even the names of a few places. I did so out of respect for private lives and identities.
 
 
For the thrill of thinking.
For my parents, who taught me how to think.
 
 
 
Turkey Broth for the Spirit: Confessions of a Born Again Atheist
 
Chapter 1

Jesus Loves Me This I know

     I can recall with perfect accuracy the moment I began to think there were holes in the argument for God. I cannot say the same in regards to when I started to believe in God in the first place.

     My parents both became Born-Again Christians while I was yet still an infant. The way that my mother tells me the story is moving to me in many respects. I find it is a story of determination in the face of rapt destituteness, a story that begins with two young parents searching for some kind of ‘completeness’ that they knew they needed, yet did not know how to acquire.

     It was the late summer of 1974, and my newlywed parents had been invited to attend a thanksgiving feast. This was not the feast of Thanksgiving most popularly associated with the month of November, no. It was a pot-luck feast where everyone brought something to eat. Then after there had occurred a good amount of eating and conversation the gospel was preached.

     My parents were quite young at the time, only out of high school for a year and a half. They had married, much to the chagrin of relatives on both sides of the family, and after I was born seemed to face a barrage of trouble from every direction. My father had trouble finding and keeping employment, and while my mother did her best to help there was still never enough. At one point, having no other choice for accommodations, they lived on the Native American reservation of my father’s tribe in relative poverty. The proverbial family plate was full of overwhelming responsibilities.

     Upon arriving at the meeting hall of the church’s thanksgiving feast event my parents were welcomed with warmth, compassion, and genuine friendliness. After enjoying the vast array of foods the gospel portion of the evening began. A man named Willie stood and began to illuminate the hearts of all those in the gathered group with the Word of God and the gospel of Jesus. It was not a message of hellfire and damnation. It was not a message of forsaking society in an effort to earn some type of spiritual brownie button. It was not a message urging people to believe in God and accept Jesus into their hearts so that they could be better than anyone else or more deserving than anyone else. It was a message of peace, hope, freedom, and love from God.

     Considering the life situation of my parents this message of peace and hope and freedom and love was exactly what they needed. Someone, not just any someone but the someone of all someones, cared about them and their dire circumstances. God cared. He cared about whether or not my parents had something to eat and a place to sleep. He cared about the employment situation and the money troubles. He cared about the mounting stresses and the deluge of life wrinkle after wrinkle. All of these things struck a cord within the hearts of my mother and father, for in a time of great trial and need someone wonderful and infinitely powerful gave them everything. For my parents it was especially relieving and comforting that someone gave a damn about them.

     When Willie was finished preaching the gospel he asked if there was anyone in the audience who would like to receive Jesus into their heart and start to live their life for God. My parents both stood, tears in their eyes, and prayed and received Jesus into their hearts. Of course they knew full well that doing so would not instantly remove their troubles. Receiving Jesus had nothing to do with magically making anything better, but it did mean that not only would God help them through each day, they would not have to worry what each new day would bring because God would take care of it.

     Perhaps there is at least a modicum of truth to be found in such spiritual reasoning. Don’t worry about everything. The only thing you need to be concerned with is the day that you are living. Tomorrow, well, tomorrow will be dealt with…tomorrow. When you concern and worry yourself with more than just the day you are living you put too much pressure on yourself and those around you, and when that happens you get over-worked, over-stressed, and in definite need of someone to help you when it seems you cannot help yourself.

     It reminds me of the poem called “Footprints” where the individual in the poem sees one set of prints in the sand and wonders why God left them? God had not left them, but rather had carried them through the rough spots; that was why there was only one set of footprints. It is true that an excessive amount of worry on the part of any individual will have a negative effect on the life and life situations of the worried individual. Actions taken to reduce the worry and stress are often an excellent step to take in order for an individual to improve their quality of life from their mental state to their physical and spiritual states. For many people the belief in God is a great balancing tool in their lives. God brings happiness to many people, at least they say He does. I am inclined to believe many individuals who say that their belief in God helps them in their day to day living…even though I do not believe the same as they believe spiritually. Understand, though, that my inclination to believe that belief in God does help some people is not an admission, assertion, claim, statement, or anything of the like that God actually exists. I do not believe or think that God exists.

     It has been openly claimed by many, many individuals that God makes them happy. And what does the Bible say about happiness? Proverbs 15:16 says, “A merry heart is just like medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.” I do believe that this is true, that happiness within a person has a way of making that person stronger, better suited in many respects to deal with many negative issues with a clearer perspective and a deeper sense of grace. However, I do not think that in order to experience true happiness a person must believe in God. I think the key to happiness, at least one of the keys, is an ability and compunction to shake worry from the self.

     My happiness as a young child was at first seemingly boundless, and while that would with time change I still have many fond memories of feeling so full of happiness and joy that I would sing songs of thanks to Jesus. Many of the songs I would sing were verses taken directly from the books of the Bible, Old and New Testaments alike, and put to catching melodies. Among my favorites was a song that began, “Oh Lord, You have searched me and know me; You know my down-sitting and my uprising. You understand my thought a far off; You compass my path and my lying down.” Another favorite went something like, “Let none that wait on Thee be afraid; Oh, my God! I trust in Thee! Let me not be afraid, let not mine enemies triumph over me.” I would sing these songs over and over or try to play them on my little red harmonica.

     I was too little to consider the meanings of the words I sang. All that mattered to me was that I was singing, and of all the practices of worship taught to me when I was young I loved singing the most. Singing was the number one activity I looked forward to the most whenever my parents went to their religious meetings. It wasn’t just because I had been taught that God wanted people to sing to Him to show praise and thanks. Singing did something to me inside, something wonderful. It always has. To this day, whenever I sing I feel a sense of freedom and limitless joy. The only difference is when I sing now I am not singing for any deity. Now I sing precisely because I love and am drawn to music. And even though my personal spiritual beliefs have changed dramatically I still sing all my favorite church songs as I play my guitar.

     Music has many powers that some people just do not seem to realize. Think of the song that millions of children the world over sing, the song about the wheels on the bus going round and round? By themselves the words mean very little and don’t have much of a grasp on one’s mind. However, put the words to that absurd tune and suddenly you have a musical mantra that evokes squeals of delight from the youngest of children.

     As a child, every Sunday I learned many biblical lessons and verses through song. Whether the song was Jesus Loves the Little Children or Jesus Loves Me, This I know or Some Trust in Chariots and Some in Horses or Silver and Gold Have I None, I learned that I was better and more deserving than those who did not believe in God. Yes. I must put it that way because in reality that is exactly what I was being taught. I was special. Why was I special? I was special because I believed in God and Jesus and because my parents believed in God and Jesus. Somehow I began to understand that believing in God and Jesus meant that I had extra strength for getting through life’s troubles. Conversely, I understood that the strength that people who did not believe in Jesus thought that they had was not real strength. It was really a trick. You see, one of the most common ways that God employed to turn people to Him was to make a person think they were strong in a time of crisis. Then right when they thought they would make it through their trouble God pulled the rug out from underneath them, forcing the person to turn their heart toward God.

      How did I know all this? I learned it through Bible songs that I was told were absolute truth. Your everyday average child would never sit long enough to actually listen to anyone give a sermon or even speak for a few minutes of such things, but the same children could be taught a song that seeded their heart with such ridiculous ideology. Music has a curious way of leaving all sorts of fingerprints of lyrics in a person’s brain. That does not mean it is necessarily a bad thing. I remember most of the Mother Goose songs I learned as a child without negative effect. Hey, Diddle Diddle, the Cat and the Fiddle and Three Blind Mice and Hot Cross Buns come to mind. Of course, truth be told there is a huge difference between learning religious songs and learning Mother Goose songs. The difference is Mother Goose songs do not encourage children to consider people who believe differently as enemies, to condemn to hell those who would choose to not believe in God, to pray for the undoing of those who would not consider the Holy Bible as the true Word of God, or to be taking the words of the songs absolute truth.

      Can you recall learning nursery rhymes and songs as a small child? If so, perhaps your parents or teacher or someone who taught you the nursery rhymes informed you that the songs were simply for fun and the stories and people and characters in them were make-believe, fake, pretend, not actual, not real. Of course, who would want their child to believe that Mother Goose really did fly through the air on a “very fine gander” whenever she hankered to go for a wander? Or how about Peter Pumpkin-Eater putting his wife in a pumpkin shell after he realized he could not keep her? What about Hey, Diddle, Diddle and the infamous cow jumping over the moon while the dish runs away with spoon? Would you agree with the notion that teaching children that nursery rhymes are real, actual fact would be detrimental to their psychological and mental development? Chances are you would agree, after all, who would want their child to grow up into an adult who truly thinks that an owl stands as a sentinel at the door of Mother Goose’s house, that a spider sat down next to Little Miss Moffet and scared the beejesus out of her as she ate curds and whey, or that there is an old woman who lives in a shoe along with a battalion of children?

     Considering that, why, why, why would you want your child grow up thinking that an intelligent and supreme being purposely makes bad, horrific, terrible things happen to people just so that they will believe in Him, that a talking snake was able to bamboozle an individual with human intellect to do something they were not supposed to do, that Lot’s daughters seduced and slept with their own father (who was drunk, by the way) in order to produce an heir, or that every human being on this planet is a descendant of Adam and Eve which would mean that there was a helluva lot of incest going on for a very long time?

     Now, of course the songs taught in Sunday schools the world over do not reference incest. At least, they shouldn’t. But the songs that are taught are presented as truth taken from the Bible which is itself presented as absolute truth. By default many of the children will grow up to take everything in the Bible as absolute truth, because it has been pounded into them from the time they are very young and starting with the songs they learn. It is brainwashing, plain and simple. The results?

     Take a look around you. I am not saying that all of the ills of humanity stem from teaching the Bible as truth; a good chunk of them are, however, responsible for contributing to awful behaviors. Maltreatment of gays and lesbians, denial of individual rights based on so-called biblical truth and fact, and social/cultural rifts deriving from the age-old argument My-God-Is-Better-Than-Your-God abound. Disagreements between some religions are so strong that people kill each other. And many of these absurd behaviors are a direct result of people taught from a very young age that they are right and everyone else is wrong. That they have the only truth. That there is only one way to believe inasmuch as love, hope, peace, compassion, grace, mercy, and salvation are concerned.

     Being as though I was a small child I did not know that the religious songs I was being taught could and would encourage some very negative thinking. Even if I had been told there were negative intonations in the wording of the music I would not have known that there was a problem with such thinking anyway. I offered no logical resistance, but rather embraced such stealthily hidden religious ideology wholeheartedly. After all, it was all up to God, right? However God chose to do something it was right because it was God. God had to do whatever He had to do in order to get people to believe in Him. If He had to make sad things happen to someone in order to get them to believe, then it was not really sadness because most people eventually turned to God; God invariably had nothing to do with sadness. Nothing to do with sadness. Nothing to do with sadness. Nothing to do with sadness. I tell you this was beaten into my brain over and over. If a person’s sadness continued that was a clear indicator that they were still not listening to God. If He had to make something bad happen so that people would believe in Him, then it was not really something bad because by believing in God a person avoided hell and that was a good thing since everyone knows that hell is the ultimate in badness. If He had to trick them…well, then it wasn’t trickery. It was God. And didn’t God work in mysterious ways?

     Besides, how was I supposed to know that I was being groomed, if unknowingly to my parents, to become an ego-oriented spiritualist, a person of elitist salvation, a person who for a very long time thought it was okay to condemn people if they did not believe in God?


 
Chapter 2


The Piano Drops


     My parents were regular attendees of the church where they had received Christ and become ‘renewed’ before God. One of the things I distinctly remember about these early years was the amount of joy and happiness I felt emanating from my parents when they met and fellowshipped with other church members. I recall many nights where members would pile into cars and head down to the beach where they would play guitars and sing around a bonfire. Sometimes after an evening gathering members would go to the local Bob’s Big Boy for coffee and desserts. Some of the memories that stick out the most for me are when a whole bunch of us went to the desert and rode dune buggies, went fishing off the rocks of the bay, had gigantic picnics during the summer months, went to the San Diego Wild Animal Park, and even went grunion hunting.

     I have a pretty good memory and can recall people and situations from as early as when I was only two years old. Even to this day I can do this. When I think back I remember knowing about and believing in God. Of course my parents told me about God, but I do not know at which point I began to believe along with them. Perhaps it is a silly quest for me to try to remember being as though most small children believe everything their parents tell them. This is a natural occurrence. Why wouldn’t I believe in God if I did not even have the concept that it was indeed possible that He did not exist and I did not have to believe in Him? How can a question be asked if the individual(s) do not know the question, or even a set of questions, exists in the first place?

     Without my knowing it God had become a reality for me, a given. I remember that whenever I saw someone hurt I would pray that God would make them better and give them help. Whenever someone was sad because someone died I prayed that God would help to make them happy and not hurt so much in their heart. If I heard the television or the radio say that someone was lost and could not be found I prayed that God would take care of them and help them to not be afraid.

     As I child I understood prayer to be a communication from a person to God, usually one asking for help of some kind, but also utterances of thanks for all blessings received. Prayer was the gift God had given to man so that he might speak directly to God for any reason. I remember being amazed when my mother told me that God could hear you praying even if you were only thinking it and not saying it out loud. She said that sometimes people were in situations where they might not be able to speak out loud, so instead they prayed by thinking about it.

     I was also told that prayer was very special, so special in fact, that if a person was praying they had better mean what they were praying. God did not appreciate prayers of thanks where there was no real gratitude. He did not appreciate prayers asking for someone to get well from illness if the praying individual did not really want the ill person well. Intent was very important when it came to prayer because it either validated thanks and requests for help, or it showed what a liar a person was. If you prayed to God and did not mean it…you were a liar. Worse yet, you were lying to God.

     When my parents began to experience relationship troubles I remember praying to God a lot, everyday. I have some very vivid memories of my father, who was a fairly big man, pushing and shoving my petite mother. One particular instance I remember walking into the kitchen when I heard yelling. My father was slamming my mother up against the wall by the kitchen window over and over and over. He had a talon-grip on my mother’s shoulders and she was crying out as he kept hurting her. My parents had not seen me enter the kitchen and when I cried out to my mother she told me, “It’s okay, baby! Just go back into the living room!” I very clearly remember seeing bruises on my mother from time to time and I worried so much for her safety and her happiness.

     Perhaps such things are strange for a little girl of two. But it did not seem so strange to me then, and I would pray fervently that God would fix my mother and father and whatever between them that was broken. Of course, I may have realized that something was wrong, broken, but I did not understand exactly what it was. I was simply too young to understand. My mother is one of the strongest individuals that I know and now I see how the elements of her faith in God did indeed help her to persevere the trials she faced. But rest assured, my heart still hurts for my mother when I think of this time in her life, our life.

     Consistent relationship problems abounded for my parents by the time I was nearly three. One occasion my father had some friends over and they had had quite a bit to drink. They had become loud and boisterous and somewhere along the line my parents began to argue. Eventually my father and his friends left the house. My mom was upset and after she had cleaned up the mess they had left she took the glass bottles that had held the alcoholic drinks, smashed them up inside of a paper grocery bag, and then delivered the paper sack of smashed glass to the door step of the residence of my father’s friends in an effort to stress the points of what they had done wrong.

      I did not like seeing my father angry and did not like seeing my mother so sad. Because I was such a young child I could not understand why my parents were angry with each other, why they fought. All I knew was that there was a growing blanket of unhappiness. I thought that if I prayed hard enough or long enough that God would make everything better. For a while things did seem to be getting better.

     My mother became pregnant with twins when I was two years old and I recall being very excited about having siblings. The members of the church my parents attended were very generous with the support they offered my parents. Many times we would come home to find bags of groceries that fellow members had left on our doorstep. And while the other church members did extend a helping hand of their own free will I always associated such help with the will of God. If something good and amazing and helpful happened it was because God must have wanted it so.

     Then two different things happened that confused me a little bit about the will of God. The first thing that happened was a plane crash that took place in San Diego, California, near the 805 Freeway and a street called University Avenue. I remember this day well. What actually happened, at least as far as I can remember, was a small plane like a Cessna or something similar clipped the wing of a PSA jetliner. My mother had been cleaning the house and I was staring at my newborn sisters who lay sleeping on the couch. Suddenly there was a huge booming sound. I distinctly recall saying to my mother that it sounded like someone had dropped their piano. A look of fear immediately crossed my mother’s face and she asked my father to go see what it was that had happened. A short while later he had returned, white as a ghost. He said there had been a plane crash in a residential area. I remember he was very disturbed by what he had seen.

     I later asked my mother why God had allowed the plane to crash and kill people and why He did not stop it from happening. She said, “Sometimes there are bad accidents or bad things that happen, things that we do not understand. God has reasons why He lets things happen, even when they are bad things or things that make people sad. The best thing we can do is pray.”

     Even though I was so little, at that point barely three years old, I remember telling my mother that I was praying for the people on the plane who died, that God had been with them when the plane crashed and that He took away their fear of crashing and dying. In the recesses of my mind, however, I still wondered why God had allowed such a horrible thing to happen. And for quite a while after that day I remember thinking about the people who had died in that plane crash…and I couldn’t help but to wonder if they had been afraid when they realized they were going to crash; for some reason I just could not seem to shake the worry that they had been afraid when they realized they were going to die. God and Jesus loved people and I hoped they loved people so much that they took away their fear when scary things happened. Because that was something that God and Jesus were supposed to do, right? Take away fear and make everything a little bit better? Of course this was true! In fact, I learned songs in the church meetings that were about God wiping away tears and taking away fear and hunger and comforting people around the clock, especially in their darkest hour. But what was done, was done and couldn’t undone. The piano dropped as the very first tendrils of a terrible thought sneakily entered my heart: God could be quite mean when He wanted to.



Read the rest of "Turkey Broth for the Spirit: Confessions of a Born Again Atheist" at:
http://www.amazon.com/Turkey-Broth-Spirit-Confessions-ebook/dp/B008FWBYY6/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1341031316&sr=8-2&keywords=Turkey+Broth+for+the+Spirit#_

http://realbookofrevelation.blogspot.com/


Wednesday, June 6, 2012


Who is afraid of the big bad God?
Are you?

Get the Biblical Myth Table of Elements at:


Find the re-write of the New Testament at:

Did Jesus walk on water? Hell no! He just knew where the rocks were! Did Jesus really transfigure? Hell no! He just smoked some really, really good mow and THOUGHT he was transfiguring.

Did Jesus get crucified? Nope! He simply fled to a tourist resort near the Gulf of Mexico in order to escape the crowds that constantly harassed him. Did Jesus have twelve disciples? No. There were, however, twelve delinquents that loved to follow Jesus in hops of scoring some good mow.

Does God play games? You bet! In fact, He plays Theopoly on a daily basis.
Buy your own version of Theopoly at:

Have any predictions of Jesus' return EVER come true, been considered true, or have had any basis in truth whatsoever? Nope, nope, and nope.
Get your Rapture Predictions poster at:

Is there only ONE God or are there many gods? There are many, many...hell, there are a b-zillion gods! In fact, you can read what they think and have to say on various issues in this book:

Read what the gods have to say! Get this book at:

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Read Ester Lighthorse's Books!

Read Ester Lighthorse's Books!
To purchase, sample read, or 'borrow' all of Ester Lighthorse's books on Amazon Kindle's virtual library/digital book lending program go to these links:






Monday, February 13, 2012

Ester Lighthorse Guest Speaking!

Ester Lighthorse Guest Speaking!

Ester Lighthorse will be a guest speaker on Smooth Drama talk radio this Thursday, February 16, 2012 at 9pm! Go to this link:


To listen to a replay of the April 26, 2011 radio show please go to this link and go 18 minutes and 48 seconds into the program:


To listen to the June 2, 2011 radio show with Ester Lighthorse go to this link:

For more works by Ester Lighthorse go to:

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Suggestions for the Survivor Series

Surviving Life

Have you ever had the pleasure (gallows humor on that one) of watching the "Survivor" series on television?

 As you watch the show "Survivor" do you get the feeling you are truly witnessing the harrowing ordeal of people trying to survive in the face of some great danger, calamity, or critical situation?


You do realize that how the television show portrays 'surviving' and 'survival techniques' is totally jacked up, right?


I don't know about you, but I am sick and tired of all the "Survivor" shows basically being the same. It all boils down to these basics that they have on every show: BFE location, at least two of the contestants have FUBAR personalities/character traits, totally SNAFU 'challenges' where immunity may be won, and anything of even the remotest interest is AWOL.

  So, my proposition is that the producers of "Survivor" visit the link provided and view the examples of what would no doubt make their show far more interesting AND far closer to the truth of real survival:

The True Meaning of Signs

The True Meaning of Signs

Have you ever wondered if signs really mean what they say?





Is it possible that the signs mean something other than the literal meaning of what the words on them say or what the symbols show?

With all artwork by artist Nashoune LittleOwl, Ester Lighthorse presents The True Meaning of Signs! Go to this link for loads of fun art:

For more works by Ester Lighthorse: