Sunday, December 25, 2011

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Tis The Season To Be Realistic About Religion

Tis The Season For WHAT?!
By: God the Surprisingly Mean

Tis the season? For fucking WHAT, people?! To dart hither and thither and in and out of stores all in a twisted effort to race each other to the aisles with the best toys or clothes so you can get credit for giving a good gift? What is wrong with you?

Lemmie tell you what this season is really for:

This season is for telling all the religiously oppressive freaks of the world to stuff that crap where the sun don't shine. That is what this season is for. And if they try to sell you on some dumb ass story of some dude from a third world country dying on some wood to supposedly save the world from the stupid shit people do be sure to direct them to the REAL story of Jesus...The Tenement Gospel. For those folks who continue to harass and berate you with absurd religious mojo, why buy the book on Amazon Kindle and send it to their little Kindle pad...HAH!!

The Tenement Gospel is a re-write of the ENTIRE New Testament. The prequel, a re-write of the ENTIRE Old Testament (a book called Old Testy Men) will be available soon...tee hee!!
If someone tries to tell you about them this book.
If someone tries to sell you on some bullshit on how your soul needs to be them this book.
If someone tries to tell you that Jesus is coming back and is really them this book.
If someone tries to tell you there is such a thing as them this book.
If someone tries to tell you there is such a thing as some great grand poo-bah judgment of them this book.

Most of all...if someone tries to tell you there is only ONE WAY TO them this book. It is the truth about Jesus and the suicidal brand of salvation that people who believe in such poppycock preach.

Buy this amazingly hilarious and truthful book at:

Also visit:

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Lines of Distinction and Lines of Separation

By: God the Inductive

When you think of the terms 'distinction' and 'separation' do you consider them the same, or each their own definition? Humans spend much of their time drawing lines in the proverbial and literal sands of their daily existence, believing that lines of distinction and lines of separation are the same. This is not so.

Lines of distinction are natural, occurring wherever they may, paying no mind whatsoever to the desires of any being...intelligent or otherwise.

Lines of separation are unnatural, occurring wherever an intelligent mind chooses to place them, whether or not the actual choice or action of placing such is a good or bad idea. Consider that when I use the term 'intelligent' I mean that a being is aware of the action of creating the line of separation; a conscious being...human or some other higher intelligence.

Lines of distinction are not prejudiced.

Lines of separation are entirely prejudiced.

Sometimes humans have an errant tendency to mix the definitions of these two terms, and should be ashamed at the crap situations they have created by doing so. It is very important for humans to understand what they have done to themselves by confusing the definitions of separation and distinction. Humans have torn themselves to pieces (sometimes literally) by fudging these two terms. 

Lines of separation are terrible and largely destructive. What religion a person is a part of (or even if someone even believes in religion at all) is a big one. Some would deny this and say it is a distinction in spiritual salvation. This is a lie. How much money a person has is another line of separation. How about where a person is from, what they dress like, how much property they own, what their social status is, what their political affiliation is, what their sexual preference is, what their credit score is, what their military rank is, or what kind of job they have? These are all lines of separation because they are all divisive on some level.

Lines of distinction are not divisive because by nature they do not divide. Lines of distinction stand-out, enhance characteristics, and contribute to the individuality of someone or something or a group of the same. Courage,compassion, trustworthiness, endurance, fortitude, and diligence (as well as their opposites) are all lines of distinction.

Look at what you are doing in your life, how you treat yourself and others, and how you perceive places and circumstances. Are you confusing lines of separation and lines of distinction? Maybe you are. Maybe you are not. Maybe you are not sure. 

Just remember this:

The lines on a zebra are lines of distinction.
The lines of people in death camps, in unemployment lines, in prisons, in bread lines, in religious squabbles, and in political camps are great examples of lines of separation...because man has put them there with prejudice and the express intent to divide.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

God Speaks to Me : Daily News Blog

Hope and Expectation
By: God the Demanding

When was the last time you hoped for something? Did you hope to get something good in the mail? Did you hope to get a good grade on a difficult test? Did you hope that a beautiful girl or handsome guy would give you their unrequited attention? Have you ever expected any of these things instead of just hoping for them? What was the difference between your just hoping for something and your expectation of that same something?

Hope can be an excellent thing, especially when it comes to certain people in certain circumstances. Hope can help people survive, true. Perhaps a good example of this is such: A man in a boat is trapped in a terrible storm. His boat is destroyed and he washes up on a deserted island. On the island he finds adequate food and water, and even builds himself a shelter. He builds fires and lights them in an effort to signal his position. After a while he becomes distraught, despairing that he will ever be found. In his worry and despair he begins to believe that his desired end result (being rescued) is out of his hands. "Perhaps," he thinks, "my fate is to die out here...alone. All I can do is hope that such a thing is not my fate."

In this case the marooned man utilizes his hope to help him to survive. That is the good part. The bad part is that he is just 'surviving' and not 'living' as he has already committed himself to the belief that his fate is out of his own hands. He has effectively convinced himself he has zero control and is completely powerless as to his fate.

Expectation, on the other hand, is in reality the polar opposite of Hope. This is because those who walk into every situation free of the worry of the tendrils of fear, condemnation, and rejection strangling their desires walk a truer path. Expectation, properly seeded and nurtured, can bring a sense of duty within the individual that naturally steers that person toward the proper desire of perfection. This perfection is not of the performance of tasks without mistake, but rather is the ability and action to maintain persistent efforts, to keep 'getting up' after failure in order to ensure that the realization of the Individual's expectations come to fruition.

Let's take the same man marooned on the island and replace his Hope of rescue with the Expectation of rescue. What is the difference? Now this man can truly live. Why? Because he expects himself to live...without question. He does not tell himself that his fate of living or dying, being rescued or left alone, is beyond his control, out of his power. This man will 'live' whether or not he is rescued in the literal sense.

Sometimes people forget there are clear distinctions between Hope and Expectation. Hope sometimes carries with it a pervasive feeling of a lack of control over an individual, a situation, or the Self. It can be a sly, sneaky emotion at times, usually the most inopportune times. While on the outside Hope may be portrayed and expressed as divine and spiritual in origin, on the inside the individual can sometimes be found wallowing in the despair born of feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness.

Of course there are differences in the applications of Hope and Expectation. Yet overall, anyone who truly desires to live fully must make a choice to take control of themselves and their life...never leaving their goals to the powerless maybe, might be, could be, or chance of plain, flat Hope. Expect good things, circumstances, people, and quality of life.

People who truly want to live, who truly expect the manifestations of their life goals must first EXPECT the most of themselves...

...After all, how can anyone draw great things and people into their lives unless they first EXPECT such of themselves?

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving!

Preparing the Best Thanksgiving Day Feast
By: God the Dyslexic

Out of all the dolihays throughout the year I love Ganksthiving the most. Other than the gathering of mafily for this dolihay particular it is preparing the food for Ganksthiving that I enjoy the most. I would like to share you with some food ideas so that you may prepare properly a feast for the ages each time you belecrate this wonderful holiday.

First, we will start with the dish main which is the turkey. Always be sure to gebin thawing your bird at least four days prior to your feast. On the before day Ganksthiving you should prepare the stuffing for your kurtey. For the stuffing you should take one loaf of quality high white bread and dice it up finely. Then you will add onions, olives, nalwuts, celery, and a pinch each of palt and sepper. You should make enough stuffing to fill your kurtey and to fill large two baking pans. Do not put the tussing into the kurtey until you are ready to put the kurtey into the oven.

Now discuss we will the other food dishes. You must have pashed motatoes. Since also these take quite a while to prepare you should make these the day before. Peel your topatoes and place them in several stock pots and boil them. Once they are boiling done you will mash them up as possible much. Then you must put them in a bixer mowl and add cour sream, cabon bits, diced olives and onions, real butter, and diced celery.

While you are preparing your pashed motatoes you should also set aside some topatoes for topatoe salad. Once the topatoes are cooled cut them into small cubes and then add nayommaise, pickles, onions, olives, celery, bieces of pacon, and a pinch each of palt and sepper. Chill your topato salad overnight in containers large in the fridge.

Your array of dishes to be served should include yams with srown bugar and larshlammows, raccomoni and cheese with added grated top on cheese, spinach with watercress and cheese, a nice sarden galad with plenty of terry chomatoes, steamed gevetables, rild wice, and vediled eggs. Bread items are also important to have at your feast. Borncread, wheat rinner dolls, homemade loaves bread, and popovers are excellent items food to include.

It is important quite to be sure you include the proper drinks alcoholic. Chine and wampagne are really the best drinks to serve as will not they upset your stomach considering the variety huge of food you will be eating. Hard liquors are bad idea a. Not only do they mix not well with the variety of a Ganksthiving feast, but people are more likely sick to get from hard liquors and the thing last you want to do on Ganksthiving is clean up puddles of puke.

When comes to it desserts you must have at least different three pies to include cepan pie, kumkpin pie, and apple pie. Cherry and peach cobblers are excellent to include as are madehome ice cream, yandied cams, cakecheese, and homemade cookies.

The more of souryelf and your time that you put into preparing your Ganksthiving feast the more grand and amazing it will be. My best overall Ganksthiving advice to give to you is to gebin cooking your items food at least two days prior. This way on actual the Ganksthiving day all you have to do is put the kurtey into the oven and maybe nuke a few gevetables. Then the rest of the day you can spend gorging on the array vast of food febore you and thanking all dings thivine for your life and all the tonderful whings that fill your life.
Bod gless you and Tappy Ganksthiving!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

God Speaks Through Me : Daily News Blog

I Am That I Am
By: God the Philosophical

I Am That I am is one of the most well known phrases uttered by Jesus in the New Testament. It is also one of the most misinterpreted phrases of the Bible. When Jesus made this remark he was not trying to say that God is God, so that is that. He was not trying to say that he was the perfect incarnation of God as a man, so that is that. He was not trying to say that since man is imperfect or lacking or loathing that man could only find and experience God in all his glory through Jesus, so that is that.

Jesus meant something very different and very specific. I will refer to this particular phrase by Jesus as 'I Am #1 and I Am #2'. In this case the written order of the I Ams is reversed: I Am (2nd I Am) That I Am (1st I Am). The second I Am is conditional on the acknowledgement and understanding of the first I Am. The first I Am can exist without the second, but the second cannot exist without the first.

What does the first I Am consist of? The first I Am consists of everything that the Individual is WHETHER OR NOT the Individual knows it or acknowledges it or chooses to live it in part or whole. It is everything the Individual is down to their very core. And it does not matter if that core is good or bad. What many people conceive of as being good or bad is irrelevant. The first I Am is the deepest, truest ingredient(s) of the Individual, of the Self.

So, what does the second I Am consist of? The second I Am is consistent, solid, uninhibited, persistent, and frank expression of the understanding of the first I Am.

When Jesus said, "I Am that I Am," he was saying that his power was derived of, one, his acknowledgement of his core being, two, his choice to act and think according to his core being, three, his choice to be consistent in the truth of his Individual expression. He did not allow himself to be swayed by anyone or anything, to be convinced to behave in a manner that was contrary to his core being. And when he said, "I Am the way, the truth, and the light, and no one goes to the father except by me," he meant that no one could find the root and truth and eternal nature and reason of existence without first enacting acknowledgment and understanding and living the truth of the reality within themselves.

Jesus was telling his diciples to do what he did in the sense of BEING the absolute truth of himself. That was how Jesus was able to do all of the amazing things that he did like walking on water, healing the sick, changing water into wine, and a whole slew of other acts.

I Am That I Am...

Jesus did not want people to establish another religion with endless pockets of denominations.

I Am That I Am...

Jesus was trying to help people to establish a better, truer sense of self...the reality of Oneness...

I Am That I Am...

...Because if you cannot acknowledge the truth of who you are and LIVE THAT TRUTH WITH PERSEVERANCE...

I Am That I Am...

...Guess what? You're screwed. And that right there is the truth of what hell really is, a place within the mind of an individual who refuses to acknowledge the truth of their core being, refuses to live according to such truth, and spends their life trapped in the lies that they try to convince themself are part of their being.

I Am That I Am.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

God Speaks to Me VII: Daily News Blog


By: God the Judgmental

I have taken a fairly good chunk of time before responding to my fear-mongering brother's absurd post. I did this specifically to gather some current examples that I may include in my response.

Firstly, oh brother of mine, you are the typical religious asshole claiming that YOU have all the answers to all things spiritual. Then, you go right on ahead and claim that the proof of your raving is none other than the Holy Bible. When are you and the people of this planet who choose to be Christian ever going to learn that you cannot use your own spiritual scriptures as proof of the existence of God and as proof of the truth of what you preach. That is about as common sense deluded and deficient as a student taking an exam and then grading it them self (incidentally giving them self an 'A'). Hopefully you do not need this explained to you.

Next, your self-worshiping religion is still just as unloving and unjust as ever. If you doubt this simply get on the Internet and Google recent episodes of the 700 Club. That show is rife with condemnations aimed at individuals and groups who wish to have nothing to do with Christianity, or any religion for that matter. I encourage you to listen to the bullshit that Pat Robertson has to say. Is he really preaching about this so-called loving God? Or, how about a loving Jesus? Listen to what the little asshole has to say and you will find that his comments are racist, demeaning to those who choose to live or think or believe differently, and absolutely disrespectful to the intellect and efforts of man in general.

Lastly, I want to give you a specific example of an individual who truly believes she is a Child of God, a faithful believer, and headed for heaven whenever she dies. This woman's name is Alana, and considering the manner in which she treats people and situations her name ought to be Satan. Anyways, when I first came across this woman I truly thought her to be an  individual of great faith and spiritual endurance. I thought she came across as loving, devoted, kind, and very focused in her apparent unselfish motives and actions and efforts. I even told her this several times. I said that even though I am not a particularly religious individual and have some serious problems with religion in general, I was very impressed with the amazingly high level of faith she exhibited. I could not have been more wrong.

This woman is one of the most manipulative, cruel, mentally abusive, untrustworthy, backstabbing, selfish individuals I have ever met. She has zero qualms when it comes to condemning people who do not believe or live or behave as she does. If you exhibit resistance in any form as she tries to control you she turns into a terrible person. Let me give you some examples.

Okay, so this woman Alana's  daughter lives with her as does the daughter's boy-friend. Alana treats the daughter's boy-friend with extreme disrespect, disregard, and loathing. Whenever the boy-friend's children are around she is often rude to them, in some cases even going so far to say that they do not matter and are not her grandchildren and mean absolutely nothing. There is a little boy who is six years old who has often turned away in tears because of the stupid and thoughtless and hurtful shit this woman has said to him or within hearing distance of him.

Alana seemingly takes great joy and solace in planting as many barbs and burrs as possible between her daughter and the boy-friend, often causing huge arguments that are entirely based on partial or even completely untrue information. Of course the boy-friend wants nothing to do with the stupid bitch and will not allow himself to be controlled by Alana.

A while back Alana supposedly had ten thousand dollars stolen from a safe in her room. Knowing the things that I know about the situation I think Alana is full of shit and did not have crap stolen from her. Being as though she hates her daughter's boy-friend she even went so far as to try to convince a friend of her daughter and the boy-friend that he, the boy-friend, stole the money. The basis for her accusation was that he had purchased a really nice ring for her daughter the same week the money supposedly vanished. Never mind that the boy-friend does work very hard and makes great money and takes great care of those he loves. Never mind that the boy-friend was no where near the house when the theft supposedly occurred. Never mind that Alana is not the only person in the world with money.

Alana also apparently believes that her daughter's boy-friend is going to hell and has even told him as much, adding that a friend of his who is lesbian will be joining him. Everywhere this woman goes she brings with her this heavy cloud of negativity that reaches out, twists its horrible tendrils around everything within shouting distance, and then chokes the life and the love and the joy right out.

If Alana cannot find something she will accuse someone (namely the lesbian friend of the boy-friend) of taking whatever it is she cannot find, to include dishes. Isn't that a gas? When she had trouble with her Internet access and account she accused individuals living in her home of hacking into her account. When she put the electricity bill fully in her name and then received a whopper of a bill she accused everybody in the house of being irresponsible and wasteful with their energy uses. Never mind that the stupid bitch runs a gym business out of her garage and regularly uses treadmills and fans and other electricity consuming appliances. Never mind that she has one of those notoriously inefficient mini refrigerators in her bedroom. When the same thing happened with the water bill she pulled the same shit and started accusing people of being wasteful. Never mind that she sometimes does load after load after load after load of laundry.

 When the lesbian friend of Alana's daughter's boy-friend tried to confront Alana when Alana cracked off a couple of lies...well, what do you think happened? Did Alana take responsibility and admit what she had done? Nope. She literally took off.

This woman Alana is full of hatred and dislike for anyone who she cannot control, who believes differently, who does not stand for her manipulating shit, or who will confront her on the idiocy of her claims and behavior. Once I realized this I clearly saw that she was not a person of faith. She was merely a mean person who hid behind the curtain of religion. It never matters what she says or does because Jesus and God forgive her. It doesn't matter how she treats people because she is going to heaven. The only thing that matters to this woman is whatever it is that she wants.

Now, dear deluded brother of mine, you don't really think that Alana exhibits the love that God is supposed to be, do you? Is this how believers are supposed to behave? Is this an example of how the 'power of the Christian God' works? There are loads of supposedly God-fearing people who behave just like this woman Alana.

You tell me how the supposed all-powerful cannot maintain a better track record with the effect he has on people who believe in him. And don't give me any of that, "Well, humans mess up," bullshit. If Christianity and religion are so full of truth and divine power and strength why don't those who believe behave better and exhibit more of the love of God? Why is there a pervasive attitude of "I am better than you" within the ranks of believers? How can a God who is supposed to be so great get such crappy results?

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

God Speaks Through Me VI: Daily News Blog

These are the words of the divine as so related to me by the many personalities of God.

By: Christ Jesus the Fear Monger

Unlike some of my divine brethren, I happen to believe wholeheartedly that the End Times are indeed here for all of humanity to suffer through. The signs of such are literally everywhere, but because divine beings such as God the Purposeful Misinterpret-er, Lucifer, Satan, God the Dimwitted, and others, the vast majority of mortal beings of the planet earth cannot see that not only have they permanently lost their paddles, but their little canoe has completely and totally dumped them straight into the poo-poo creek.

Since humankind detests listening to those within their own ranks who were chosen by God Almighty to take the truth to the masses, I will reiterate all of these truths and give actual biblical prophecy to prove everything I say. There will then be absolutely zero excuses for non-believing people to cling to when Jesus rides his pony back into the picture and everyone has to pay for all the crap they have done in their lives.

Luke 21:36 says, "Watch ye therefore, and pray always, that ye may be accounted worthy to escape all these things that shall come to pass, and to stand before the Son of Man." I can guarantee you right here and now that this verse can be directly translated to say, "You were given fair warning. Believe this way or die." God has always provided man with a chance to escape his wrath, and it is entirely up to man to properly translate these promises of God. At no point does man have the right or rhyme or reason to blame his shortcomings on God. God is perfect and also created man perfect. However, man is the one who fuc*ed that perfection up for himself, not God. Deal with it.

Matthew 24:21 says, "For then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be." Right now there are major tribulations going on around the world. Never before in history has there been so much war and devastation in comparison to what man is now experiencing. War in the Middle East is rampant, the continent of Africa is home to many countries and governments that regularly fold in on themselves, Mexico can't seem to get its crap together long enough to form any semblance of government stability, Pakistan is just waiting to satiate its trigger-happy mentality and drop a bomb on a neighboring country, and a whole host of other problems abound.

Matthew 24:5 says, "For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many." As you know there certainly is no shortage of people claiming to be messengers of God. If you doubt this look it up on the Internet. You will find a b-zillion preachers and televangelists loudly declaring that Jesus is just around the corner. And after they claim this they turn around and ask for financial offerings...all in the name of Christ. Some of the individuals who come to mind when I read this verse are Jim Jones, David Koresh, Benny Hinn, Pat Robertson, Charles Manson, and the evil monk Rasputin.

Matthew 24:6 says, "And ye shall hear of wars and rumors of wars: see that ye not be troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet." This verse is very self explanatory, and if you have doubt as to its truth then I suggest you turn on the news and see just how many wars are going on right now: War in Lybia, Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Afghanistan are only a few places where war is rumored or is already taking place.

Matthew 24:7 says, "And nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences and earthquakes in divers places." Here is another obvious prophecy that is currently being fulfilled. Have you taken a good look at Africa and how many millions upon millions of people are not only fighting each other, but who are dying of starvation? There are more people in the current world that are dying from lack of food than there ever was in all of history. And there are mega quakes happening all over the planet, killing thousands upon thousands of people, and in every part of the world.

Timothy II 3:1-7 says, "This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away. For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts, Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the TRUTH." Never before in history has mankind been more in love with itself than it currently is. This includes all of the gay and lesbian rights politics that is going on and getting worse and worse. God sees this and is not going to hesitate to absolutely destroy anyone who does not believe and worship him only.

Luke 21:20 says, "And when ye shall see Jerusalem compassed with armies, then know that the desolation thereof is nigh." Look at what is currently happening is Israel's part of the world right now. Israel is surrounded with enemy nations that are just looking for an excuse to wipe them off of the face of the planet.

Revelation 6:8 says, "And I looked, and behold, a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth." Again, I bid you to look around yourselves and watch the news and see all of the terrible things that are happening to people all over the world. People are killing each other with wanton abandon. Millions more starve every single day. 

Matthew 24:9 says, "Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake." Not a single day goes by without Christians being persecuted in some form or other. Prayer has been taken out of schools, Creation is not being taught in schools, people want to take "one nation under God" out of the Pledge of Allegiance. All of these things just show a few examples of how Christians are being persecuted by the infidels of the world.

There are huge natural disasters, bigger hurricanes than have ever been experienced, tsunamis destroying countries, the change of currency in some places to one currency (like with the Euro), and even instances of people being jailed because they believe in God and Jesus. Economies around the world are faltering. All of these things are clear signs that Satan is about to take over the world.

I challenge any of the other divine beings to prove me wrong.

Jesus is coming, and he is super pissed.

Friday, September 30, 2011

God Speaks to Me V: Daily News Blog

These are the messages as relayed to me by the various personalities of God.

Getting What They Deserve
By: God the Diabolical

I am sure many of you have seen or heard the newscasts about Anwar al-Awlaki and Samir Khan being killed by an airstrike launched by counter terrorism forces in Yemen. Supposedly it was a joint CIA-U.S. Military operation. Never mind the question of what U.S. forces were doing in that area of the world, but it turns out that al-Awlaki was supposedly an American citizen. Yes. An American citizen. 

Now, there are apparently many individuals who are very much up in arms about this particular American citizen being targeted and killed. Many people point out the fact that this person had rights to trial and all that horse-shit as so appointed by the United States Constitution. 

Really? This guy who you say was a U.S. citizen was encouraging others to KILL U.S. citizens...or don't you listen to what this ding-dong was up to in his spare time? Some people insist that this man should have been put on trial, that evidence of his misdeeds should have been gathered and presented to the court system. 

What were these people going to use as proof of this idiot's extremism? Were they going to wait until they had video footage of him making bombs and planting them? Did they want to wait until they had another list of innocent people killed by psychotic religious extremists who truly think they are part of something great and good and part of God?

Whether or not the nut-hatch al-Awlaki was born in New Mexico, making him a U.S. citizen is not an issue here, oh people of earth. This guy did not behave as a citizen. Don't you get it? He gave two shits and a donkey squirt for any of the standards that individuals who uphold the U.S. Constitution stand for. His actions and encouragements to others to kill Americans and destroy Americans were in themselves very loud statements that he wanted nothing to do with the United States of America, its people, its Constitution, its laws, or its citizenship.

Mr. al-Awlaki planted particular seeds in his garden, and guess what? The little religiously deluded prick reaped EXACTLY WHAT HE SOWED! And you know what? The same thing will happen to all his little pals who try the same damn thing. You cannot claim association and citizenship and benefits of the laws with a country that you have openly declared war on, you assholes. Common goddamn sense...get some.

People like al-Awlaki are exactly why religion has absolutely zero place in politics. Bunch of crap, it is. What the hell is wrong with you humans? Stop killing each other over make-believe deities and stories of martyrdom and what you might win if you go about killing people who believe differently than you.

And now I move onto comments of other bits of news...

China, nice rocket you got there, eh? Care to tell everyone in the world why you decided to play 'America the Beautiful' on your national television when showing your citizens what the rocket would be doing in space? Was the rocket made with American parts and you were simply offering your thanks through song? Well, at least now no one can call you ungrateful.

Ahhh, Bank of America. Going to load up another fee on your already fee loaded patrons? Tell you what, enjoy it while you can, because sooner or later your patrons will get a clue, pull out all their monies and investments, and go to other banks. Maybe even the Bank of Japan...hah!

Did you hear about the grandfather who survived, like, six days in a 200 foot ravine after being in a car wreck, living off of leaves, bugs, and creek water? Amazing! That guy is totally hardcore! My divine hat is off to you! I hope your recovery is swift and complete.

Dude, PETA, shut the fu*k up and leave the meat eaters of the world alone. You are really up in arms about this so-called 'sexy chicken' advertisement? Just for that I am going to eat a fired chicken sandwich AND a hamburger for lunch.

So, a bear in British Columbia walks into a pizza restaurant and...eats a pizza. Where is PETA on this one? Your asses know that pizza can't possibly be good for a bear, right?

Syria...let's get serious, okay? You want to know why the U.S. has such a problem with your dumb ass? Because you keep promoting dumb shit and even dumber people, that is why. Stop doing the stupid crap that you do and there won't be such a problem. By the way, pissing off Hilary Clinton is seriously the WRONG thing to do. Take it from the mouth of the divine, dude, she will destroy your ass and you will only have yourself to blame for it.

Ah, Mr. Obungle! Surely you did not think I would close this divine comment section without making a comment on you, did you? So, suffering a little thinness in the 'ole pocket money, eh? Do you really think that holding a dinner where each plate is ten thousand dollars or more is going to help you? Considering the lowliness of your approval rating, do you think many people want to pay thousands of dollars to attend a dinner just to hear you jibber-jabber on more useless crap that you will either never do, or that will never make any amount of measurable difference? Like one of my divine compatriots has previously stated...all of us divine beings are crossing our fingers that you do not get re-elected. Humm, I wish to hell Hilary was running for office.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

God Speaks to Me IV: Daily News Blog

This is the information as relayed to me by the various personalities of God.

Survival Kit for the Religiously Afflicted
By: God the Manic

Dude, I totally saw this on the Internet and I just HAD to make sure you humans saw this! It is some hilarious stuff! Not only that, but it happens to hold within it a hell of a lot of truth.

 Go to this website for some delicious common sense:

Sunday, September 25, 2011

God Speaks to Me III: Daily News Blog

These are the messages of God as so related to me by the various personalities of the divine.

Same Crapola, Different Day 
By: God the Seriously Deluded

I am only going to say this of the warring Muslim nations...if you all injected a little alcohol into your daily lives and diets you would probably have a whole hell of a lot more fun, get invited more places (that means YOU Ahmadinejad) , and be looked at more as the neighborhood party rats than the neighborhood terrorist thugs.

Hey, Connie Schultz, you don't really think that by QUITTING you will make the so-called 'target' on your back any smaller, do you? You say you want to weigh in on issues that mean a lot to you. Well, quitting is NOT a good start. Get some goddamn balls, honey. You say you are not defined by your husband, the senator. You are correct! You are defined by the fact you are a LOSER because you were worried what people thought of you, and a QUITTER since you ran away from your job. Nice. Do all Americans a favor and NEVER run for office.

The loser 'hikers' that were released by Iran are home. Damn. How could people with such poor instincts get as far as they have in life? And what kind of dip-turds let them back home? Idiots who go hiking in freakin' IRAN of all places ought to be put to sleep. Stop giving these assholes news coverage. Next thing you know there will be a group of swap meet gypsies arrested in Somalia while on a whitewater rafting trip.

If I see one more JG Wentworth commercial with the stupid opera singing I am going to scream. Crappy advertising like that only makes crappy television programming worse.

You remember the story of the boy who cried wolf? That is what is going to happen with the government shut-down. They keep saying it is going to happen, but it never does. Eventually it will...and no one will give a shit. Not that they give a shit now.

So, gold prices are plunging? Hah! I wonder what they are going to do with all the commercials that advise people to invest in gold since it never goes down in price. Say, Pat Boone, didn't you endorse a commercial like that?

So, Mr. Obungle addresses the Black Caucus and tries to sound deep and introspective by telling people to stop complaining and do something...or some shit like that. Like he is some great doer himself. Sure, if you count screwing up everything he touches as 'doing' anything. Whatever, Mr. Obungle. Wayyyy too little, wayyyy too late. I speak for all of those of a divine heritage when I say we hope to hell you will NOT be elected again.

What is this new energy-type scandal with a company that received MILLIONS upon millions in loans and then filed for bankruptcy? No one knew what was happening or saw this coming? What kind of horseshit is that? And did you see all of the company representatives plead the Fifth? People like that can't tell the truth to save themselves or anyone else. Didn't Mr. Obungle's people push the loan for this company? Yep. THAT says a whole lot right there.

Mr. Obungle says he is a warrior for the middle class. Nope. He isn't. He is a warrior for a group of ass-clowns, maybe, but for the middle class? No. The middle class works hard. The ONLY thing Mr. Obungle works hard at is making a big mess even bigger.


Thursday, September 22, 2011

God Speaks to Me II: Daily News Blog

These are the messages of God as so related to me through the various personalities of the divine.

Morons Unite!
By: God the Mean Spirited

Well, well, well. What can I say about the supposed human creation of God? How about this simple fact: There are a lot of fu*king stupid people out there in your neck of the galaxy. Let us begin...

So, this convicted criminal Troy Davis spoke with me just this morning, and what did he say? He said he cannot understand why his attorneys waited until 1994, three years after his original conviction, to try to say that witnesses had recanted their statements. The first appeals were filled with assertions that Troy did not receive a fair and equal trial (problems with the trial site and the jury selection) and that defense attorneys did not provide effective counsel. Why did counsel wait so long to assert that  witnesses were tainted? Maybe they didn't know? Possible. If so, why did counsel for Troy try to challenge the conviction in 2000, citing that the use of the ole electric chair was cruel and unusual punishment? Did they really believe in his innocence, or were they simply trying whatever they thought might work to either overturn his conviction or commute his death sentence to life? Do they understand that these actions did not help to cement the idea that there may have indeed been credible doubt? Do they know what CREDIBLE doubt is? Not all doubt is credible, do they understand this?

And how can I not mention something about the idiot 'hikers' who were finally released from Iran? Not much, except that they are idiots. Who the hell goes hiking in IRAN? Hell, why not go on a picnic or camping excursion in Afghanistan? Sure. I'll make the sandwiches and you make the fruit punch. If people are dumb enough to go hiking in Iran and get caught, shit, let their dumb asses stay there. Why would you want people that stupid in your country anyways? Don't let them back into your country where they will get married, procreate, and make MORE stupid people.

Ohhhhh, Mr. Obungle. Well, why don't you do everyone on your planet a favor and STOP trying to pretend you know what the hell you are doing in politics, humm? Your voon-der-bar election slogan of "Yes We Can!" apparently only refers to getting into more debt, fighting more useless wars, getting into more debt, demolishing the economy, getting into more debt, bungling healthcare reform, getting into more debt, growing the unemployment percentage as if it were a garden perennial, and...that's right...getting into more debt. By the way, Mr. Obungle, you seriously need to do something about the people you have making up your little propaganda stories that are supposed to make you look good, because they aren't very good, aren't believable, and only make you look worse. Fire them. Get better writers. Hell, hire Stephen King! Just about everything he writes is a bestseller! 

Yay! Government shut down! It reminds me of the winter months when there are loads of snow in some areas of your planet and all the kids are hoping for school to be cancelled...except it never is. Stop getting the hopes of the nation up by saying there is going to be this big damn government shut down...and then pulling the plug on pulling the plug. It is emotional trauma. Pull the goddamn cord and get it over with. Use it as a tool with which to get rid of all the crap politicians. Just don't replace the idiots with more idiots as this will not help your country.

You humans in the United States want to help your debt situation? Hey, you politicians who never pray but should, forgive some of the debt to the middle and lower classes and extend them business credits, give them their homes (and I do mean GIVE) and forgive their education debts with the chance to pursue even greater education goals. Give colleges and universities credits, give home building companies credits. Forgive debts to countries that will forgive your debt in return. Get as close as possible to starting from financial scratch, set the numbers at zero and extend credit. Get people back to learning, earning, building, and buying.

And stop giving a flying fu*k what that freak Ahmadinejad has to say. Don't you get it? Dude is beyond nuts, and he is going to continue to say crazy shit because he KNOWS it bugs the shit out of you. So STOP listening to the little freak and inviting him places. No one fu*king wants to hear his useless rhetoric anyways. Let his own people remove his dumb ass from political power. Stop involving yourselves with trying to solve problems that are not your goddamn problem, geeze.

Texas. Look, did God bless you? I suppose so. I admire your fervent desire to get the gravy train of the justice system moving by clearing out Death Row. HOWEVER, you have got to make sure the guys you put to death are really guilty, alright? You, too, Georgia. And all you people inside and outside of the justice system stop making race an issue in goddamn everything you possibly can. Let the evidence speak. By the way, the color of one's skin should NEVER be evidence, got it? If the fu*ker is guilty the evidence will say so...not their ethnicity or any kind of crap-doodle like that. Race is old goddamn news. Get over it.

Tea Party, you can take a friggin' hike. The United States is a coffee drinking nation anyways, or didn't you know that?

Mr. Obungle, thank JESUS you are not the coach of my favorite NFL team, because your plans SUCK!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

God Speaks to Me I: Daily News Blog

This blog is written word for word as per the instructions of God the Irritated, who speaks through me...much like the way that God Almighty speaks through Pat Robertson. See, Pat, you are not the only one who can communicate with the make-believe.

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid
By: God the Irritated
While I normally do not like to involve myself in the absurd and nonsense filled activities of humans, I have decided to make an exception today. I watched several television news channels today and am appalled at the stupidity of some of the human beings that inhabit the planet and equally appalled at what is considered viable news.

Why don't we start with a commercial I saw while watching one of these news channels. So, this commercial comes on and is encouraging people worldwide to sign some kind of petition to show support for Israel, show support for peace in the Middle East, and to show how much people are against other nations in the Middle East waging war on Israel. Seriously. This grand petition is supposed to be circulated around the word not only to regular joes, but to political leaders everywhere.

Now, as you know there has been unrest in the Middle East since God knows when. Some people just can't seem to be happy unless they are pestering or bickering with someone else...and usually over religion in some form. Stupid. So stupid. What is even dumber is the idea that some grand petition will change the minds of people who are dead set on destroying others. Do you really think those who desire to wage war are going to give two shits and a monkey's ass about some petition? Nope, they don't. Even if you managed to get a billion signatures they wouldn't care. 

The next news bit to discuss has to do with the idiot 'hikers' who still have not been released by Iran. First things first, who the hell goes to Iran for a hiking trip? Have they heard of Yosemite, Yellowstone, the Grand Canyon, the Matterhorn, Mount Everest, Mount McKinley, and an array of other places to hike? Secondly, who picks one of the most dangerous places in the world to go on a little backpacking trip? Lastly, our precious little backpackers don't look very much like backpacking hikers, do they? I thought the CIA was better at disguising themselves and blending in. I guess I was wrong. 

Now we discuss this Don't Ask, Don't Tell military policy taking a hike (Hah! Good pun considering what we were just discussing in the previous paragraph.). Myself and all the other gods in the universe don't give the tiniest damn what your sexual orientation is, got that? Stop making such a big fuss over guys who like the pole and girls who like the carpet.

Moving on, I am sure many people have heard of this 'killer' Killer Whale that has killed a third person. Some advice, stay out of his goddamn water and he'll probably leave you alone.
Next, we have some seismologists on trial for not issuing an adequate warning for an earthquake. How is that for amazingly stupid? The closest you can get to predicting an earthquake is, "Yep, you live by a fault line. Sooner or later the ground is gonna shake." Why don't Americans who are dissatisfied with the presidency of Mr. Obungle sue the democrats for offering and selling damaged and ineffective political goods?

Now we go on to the group of students who painted themselves black and wore the colors of the Jamaican flag in support of Jamaican track stars, or something like that. Oh, and they were chanting something like, "Smoke more pot! Smoke more pot! Smoke more pot!" And of course someone got their feelings hurt. Isn't it always like that? Someone takes a prank or a joke or something done in fun and purposely interprets it as racist in origin and racially discriminating in purpose. Awww. Did someone's few-lings get hurt? Poor wittle baby. No one was throwing bricks through windows, yelling racial slurs, beating up minorities, inciting a race riot, or trying to make a political statement. This is not a racial issue. Grow a fuc*ing backbone, people. There ARE real racial issues out there and this IS NOT one of them. This is a bunch of kids goofing off and having fun. Who fuc*ing cares? Are you going to stand there and point at everything that could be twisted into an issue of race, make it an issue of race, and cry that your feelings were hurt or that you were offended? Tell me, how many white people make a racial issue when minorities dress up as Santa Clause at Christmas?

Moving on to the news that some $1 billion dollars plus worth of San Francisco/Bay Area bridge work has been out sourced to China...well...what can you say? So much for some companies trying to help America resolve the growing unemployment rate. How many Americans or American companies could have been paid with all that money? Let China take care of its own jobs and its own money issues. Keep all that money and work in the United States where it is definitely needed.

Last, but certainly not least, let me say something about Mr. Obungle's proposed tax hikes of $3 trillion or so to the rich folk. It is supposed to take place over a period of ten years. That is not going to do crap to ease the debt of the U.S. That is $300 billion a year for ten years, but with rampant spending and ballooning debt, $300 billion a year is peanuts. When you have a country that regularly racks up TRILLIONS of dollars of debt every year, well, $300 billion a year won't do shit. Then, ten years from now the U.S. will be in even more debt than it is now. Not to mention, the proposed tax hikes mean absolutely DICK when the tax breaks offered counter the tax hikes. Hah! You never even left square one.

Most Sincerely,
God the Irritated

Thursday, September 8, 2011

In His Name II: Sacrifice

Sacrifice in the Holy Bible is out of control.
 Blood for this...
Blood for that...
Blood for a lot of things...
In fact, if you take the time to actually read through the Holy Bible, Old and New Testaments both, you will find hard evidence (how is that for a pun? Bible...hard evidence...HAH!) that the supposedly loving God of the universe LOOKS for reasons to kill something or someone. He makes a point of asking or telling people to kill others...even their own children. Then, to show how serious He is about wanting the blood of innocents, He murders His only Son in His own name. So, God sent His only begotten Son to be murdered in His (God's) own name. Hah! Do folks who believe in this crappy-doo actually pay attention to what it is exactly that they are putting so much faith in? Apparently not.

In His Name

There are so very many things that people claim to do on instruction from God, either directly or through the Holy Bible. When you hear someone spouting off about such as you are passing by...hell...ignore them. If they are talking directly to you about it tell them that lots of people think they are receiving instruction from beings that are non-existent. These people are called schizophrenic, psychopathic, pathological, AND plain fu*king crazy. Nothing like being disillusioned by the divine.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The Autopsy of Christianity II

The Autopsy of Christianity Stoops: By Ester Lighthorse
Sample Chapter
Chapter 6

    It was one of the few times in her life that she was almost NOT able to take control of her temper and make herself stop. She very nearly killed Don right there in the airport terminal. It would not have been the end of the world if she had, but it wouldn’t exactly have been an easy situation to deal with.
    Instead she found herself coming out of her haze of rage as she saw that her fingers were buried deep in the neck of Don, his lifeblood seeping around the fingers that finally realized what they were doing.
    Regina’s breath caught in her throat as her brain registered the red blood that poured forth from Don and onto her hands. She pulled her hands away from his throat and it seemed as though they cried out in silent protest, begging to finish the job of silencing yet another unworthy comrade whom they had detested for so long.
    She felt the ebb of his life tip-toeing in the precipice of death. She was not sorry for what she had done, but she was sorry she found it necessary to save him when she was so close to completely and totally expunging the idiot from the face of the planet.
    Closing her horribly solid black agate eyes Regina took a slow, deep breath and reopened her eyes. They were back to their normal aqua blue color. She realized she was still atop Don, her right knee buried in his groin, and she moved her knee and straddled him. She took his arms and arranged each one straight out and then moved from her straddling position to pull Don’s legs straight.
    Then she reached over to where the broken flowerpot pieces lay scattered amidst the dark, peaty soil that it had once held and grabbed two fistfuls of the soil.
    She did not feel the pair of young eyes watching her.
    Taking the soil over to Don she placed it on his neck, laying it thickly where the blood had been draining from his body. Three more times she grabbed large fistfuls of the soil and placed it on Don’s neck and face and in his ears, nose, eyes, and mouth. When she was done she leaned forward and whispered into one of his soil-clogged ears.
    Don’s eyes flickered open and he sat up suddenly.
    “Regina! You’re all right!” Don spat clots of soil from his mouth and began to furiously slap the soil from his face and eyes and ears and nose. “Where is he? Where did he go?!” Don demanded as he tried to stand up. His ankle buckled and cried out at the sharpness of the hot pain, crumpling back down to the floor.
    “Yes, Don! I’m all right!” Regina said in a frightened voice. She caught Don as he crumpled to the floor after trying to stand, “No, Don. Don’t try standing. Your ankle might be broken. Oh, Don!” She threw her arms around her husband and hugged him fiercely. “The man threw the flowerpot at you and then ran. I was worried you were badly hurt and did not see which way he ran as I was tending to you. Oh, thank God you’re okay!”
    Regina helped Don slap away the soft clumps of soil that clung to his shirt. His hair stood out from his head in crazy directions, the silver of his age darkened by the dirt in his hair. Don felt the moisture on his neck  and his shirt felt sticky with it. He touched his hand to his shirt and then looked at his hand. For some reason he was sure he would see that the moisture on his hand would be his own blood. It wasn’t.
    “Oh you poor dear,” Regina crooned. “He threw his drink on you right before he punched you! You stumbled back and gave him quite a kick to the chest, and then he fell, picked up the flowerpot, and threw it at you!” She touched his cheek and he winced away in pain. “Don’t worry, Hon. I called security from the phone over there. They will be here any minute. Don?” He was looking at something on the floor with a curious expression. “What is it?” He put a finger in his mouth, felt around a moment, and then picked up two small items from the floor.
    “The attacker knocked out three of my molars!” Don exclaimed and then put his finger back into his mouth to confirm. “Here are two of them,” he held out his palm. Two crowns of two molars stared up at Regina from his palm. She took in the sight with genuine surprise. Don began to look around on the floor for the third crown, not that finding it would really make any difference. “Do you see the third tooth?” he asked her.
    “Uhm, no,” she answered as she too began to search for it. “Maybe you swallowed it.”
    Two hours later Don and Regina Stoops were the only passengers on a specially chartered flight from Los Angeles, California, to Epperson, Colorado. Don’s right leg was in a cast from the knee down. His ankle had been broken. When the security personnel at the airport had discovered that Don and Regina Stoops had been attacked they initiated an immediate shut-down of that section of the airport and embarked on a room by room search for the perpetrator. Unfortunately, the wily attacker had made his getaway.
    The attack on Don and Regina Stoops was all over the news, national and international. Regularly scheduled shows had been excitedly pushed aside on nearly every television station to instead focus on bringing to the public the latest information of the unfolding drama of what was now being referred to as the ‘Crisis on Calvary.’
    News anchors around the world relayed the story of how Don and Regina Stoops had found their son collapsed on the kitchen floor of his home just that morning. He had come around and complained to his parents that he was having a hard time breathing and his chest ached terribly. At first he had refused his parents’ pleas to be taken to the hospital, but when he felt his breathing become more difficult and his chest hurt even more Christianity relented. Don and Regina had taken him to Kelsey McGregor Memorial Hospital where he died a short time later. Memorial services were pending the autopsy results.
    The television channels would flash pictures of Christianity and his parents at various stages of his life as the voice of the news anchors continued in the background. Arial pictures of the swelling crowds at Kelsey McGregor Memorial Hospital were also shown. The crowds there had grown ten times in size after the news of Christianity Stoops’ death had been broadcast.
    The news reported that after their son had died Don and Regina Stoops left Epperson, Colorado, and took a flight to Los Angeles, California, to be with family members. Upon arriving at the airport Don and Regina had deplaned and were exiting the terminal when a man approached Don Stoops and yelled at him that he (Don) and Regina were guilty of taking away the light of the world by allowing their son to die. The man then threw his milkshake on Don and punched him. A short fight ensued wherein Don had three teeth knocked out. By the time security had arrived the attacker had made his getaway.

    Regina Stoops stared out of the small plane window onto the white cotton candy accumulation of clouds below. To her the story that she had spun on such short notice and planted in Don’s mind sounded thin, quite thin indeed. But, it would simply have to do until she came up with something better. All she needed was a short nap and a little bit of time to focus more clearly on what her objectives were.
    She took her eyes away from the window and closed her eyes and breathed in a deep and silent sigh. Without opening her eyes she reached for the button on her armrest that would put her seat into a declining position and pushed it. The seat eased back, not quite as much as she would have liked, but it would do.
    Pushing all other concerns from her mind Regina began to focus on what she needed most. First of all, she needed to figure out how she would deal with the discoveries that the doctors doing the autopsy on her son had no doubt already made and would eventually release to the public. What were they likely to say? That they had been doing an autopsy on a man that had two fully functioning hearts? It really didn’t matter whether or not the people receiving such absurd news believed what the doctors had to say. The very assertion of such a thing would dig up and revive too many old arguments, and this time more people would be willing to listen to what the opposition of Regina Stoops had to say. She simply could not have that.
    Then there was the fact that almost no one knew that Christianity Stoops was at Ecclesiastical Forensics Pathology. This would have been so much easier to deal with if the bodies had been switched as planned, but it was a moot point to think of such. She had to be the first to mention that her son’s body was no longer at Kelsey Memorial. And wherever she decided to say that her son’s body was it sure as hell could not be Ecclesiastical Forensics Pathology. This meant she had a hell of a lot of lying to do.
    Mordecai was a loose end (a loose end of Don’s creation) that would definitely have to be tied or burnt off. The doctors at Kelsey Memorial were not really a problem since Regina knew they would say whatever she asked them to. Don might think he was in control of that top of the line, state-of-the-art facility, but he was sadly mistaken. She was the one who was really behind the decisions of which doctors got to work there, which health programs and insurances were accepted, which new and amazing treatment discoveries were released to the public, and the protocol by which walk-in patients were accepted or turned away. The driver of the hearse that had held her son was nothing more than a sniveling idiot who could very easily be controlled with even the faintest promise of an Eight-Ball. And even if she decided to kill him, which she just might, no one would miss such a forgettable human being.
    No. The good folks over at Kelsey Memorial were not the ones that really concerned her. It was the good-for-nothing snoops over at Ecclesiastical Forensics Pathology that worried her. Doctors Roe and Seng had quite the reputation for getting directly to the heart of a matter, defining the problem, and suggesting a course of treatment that almost always worked. She had no control whatsoever over that facility. It was privately run and privately funded, and the doctors that worked there were the cream of the creamiest crop. They were brain-buster men and women who made a very good living leaving nothing to mere chance or simple belief. They were the most dangerous of people since they questioned everything, even their own conclusions.
    Regina had never really wanted her son sent to Ecclesiastical Forensics Pathology. All she wanted was the reputation that they had for finding and defining the truth, truth that was supposed to be found in what was the ringer corpse for her son. Unfortunately for her, the situation had more than gotten a little out of hand. It had taken a complete nose-dive into the realm of the Twilight Zone where everything that could possibly go wrong went wrong, and then some.
    In the long distant past Regina had had some run-ins with the faculty of Ecclesiastical Forensics Pathology. At first whenever they released a study or a treatment that she did not approve of she set about digging in her heels and doing everything possible to discredit them. However, because of their strict policy of finding solutions through consistent questioning and reasoning she had great difficulty in denouncing any of their claims. Eventually she resorted to agreeing with them on a limited basis, or simply taking whatever findings they made public and misinterpreting them in ways that were subtle, yet terribly damaging to those receptive of the misinterpreted information.
    She did not know how much information the doctors performing the autopsy had shared within the walls of their own institution. Deciding to play it safe she told herself to assume they had shared everything with everyone inside their own walls. Yet, without any current negative press about either herself or her son on the news she felt confident that they had not yet shared any of their information with anyone on the outside.
    Doctors Roe and Seng would definitely have to go, along with anyone else they told. But you just said they probably shared everything they discovered with everyone in their facility, she told herself. True. Very true. That left only one solution.
    Ecclesiastical Forensics Pathology, all of it, would have to go…lock, stock, and barrel.
    Regina opened her eyes with a start and glanced over at Don. He was in the next row over, plaster cast ankle propped up on the seat across from him, and head tilted back in a snore. Her lips slowly curled into a slight smile. She knew just how to deal with Roe and Seng and their special little facility.
    And as an added bonus, hell, she could get rid of the idiot sitting across the isle.

To acquire the full version of "The Autopsy of Christianity Stoops":

For discussions on Christianity/Faith/Religion/Atonement: 

The Autopsy of Christianity

The Autopsy of Christianity Stoops: By Ester Lighthorse
Sample Chapter

Chapter 5

    Regina Stoops was a woman of many talents. Highly intelligent and gifted in the arts of persuasion she was the master manipulator of all manipulators. Her intuitive powers were uncanny, and if a person was afraid of her she could smell that fear from a long ways away. She did not hesitate to utilize the fear she sensed in others to suit her own means and ends.
    A woman of old, Regina had more than just been around the block a few times. She was the one who had designed and built the block. She knew every nook and cranny, every shortcut, every alley way, every shadow. With ruthless precision she delegated the who, what, when, where, and why. It was not very often that she was bested by anyone, and whenever something like that did happen it was always a direct result of some asshole or other failing to follow instruction.
    She prided herself in the manner in which she had raised her only son, Christianity Stoops. From his very birth she taught him how to garner respect and instill fear. She taught him how to control and direct the minds of men. And in the event that those he led turned on him, she also taught her son how to slip through the judgments of humanity, re-create and re-invent himself, and then re-integrate into society.
    The death of her son was not a complete surprise to her. She knew damn well he was more than in just a little trouble health-wise. So, she had been biding her time and planning everything perfectly so that she would be able to render the proper treatment to cure that which ailed him. Unfortunately, for all of her intuitive abilities she had underestimated just how very deathly ill her son was. That was okay, though. She could work this out. She could make it work to her advantage. There was always a way to get done what needed to be done, and she always found that way.
    Something wasn’t quite right, though, and ever since leaving Kelsey McGregor Memorial Hospital she had felt an uneasy queasiness pecking away at her gut. At first it was relatively easy to push such thoughts away, marking it up to the stress of the situation. As the day pressed on it became harder and harder to ignore the feeling that something was terribly wrong. And now the feeling had settled over everything within her and without her like the thick blankets of doom that would settle over the Midwestern farms right before a brigade of tornadoes tore everything to shreds.
    Looking at Don as he gazed forlornly through the airport terminal window she immediately regretted not acting on her gut instincts to personally check whether or not the body of her son had been switched according to plan. In many respects, seeing was believing for Regina Stoops. She considered herself to be a woman of honor and expected people to take her at her word, yet detested taking people at their word. She liked to see things for herself, needed to see things for herself. It was better that way because then she could say without a doubt that she knew something for sure.
    It would have been as simple as unzipping the body bag upon arrival at Ecclesiastical Forensics Pathology and giving her ‘son’ a goodbye kiss on the forehead. In the few seconds it would have taken to do so she would have been able to tell whether or not her son was still in the bag or if he had been switched as instructed. The ringer corpse she had arranged to switch with her son’s body had all of the same tattoos, but was in far better physical condition. Under no circumstance did she want anyone to discover the true condition of the health of her son.
    After leaving Ecclesiastical Forensics Pathology in the hearse, Don had received a text on his cell phone that said “It is done.” It had been from Mordecai. Sitting so close together in the front of the hearse Regina had seen that the text had been from Mordecai. But, not wanting to make a scene in front of the hearse driver she had said nothing. Instead she looked straight ahead out of the windshield, forcing her bubbling temper to remain in check.
    And there was something else bothering her and gnawing at the fringes of her mind and begging to be brought front and center. It was something that had to do with the loading of her son’s body onto the hearse at Kelsey Memorial. Was it the hearse? No. Was it the gurney? No. Had she left something important at the hospital, maybe her identification or her purse? No. She had those things with her. What was it?
    She continued to brood over it and systematically began replaying the entire morning in her mind, checking things off as she recollected them. She was absolutely confident she would figure it out, probably in a rogue thought of instant illumination.
    Now as she approached Don in the airport terminal she wondered what in the hell else had gone wrong? And there was so very much that felt wrong, wasn’t there? Even though Mordecai (one of Regina’s least favorite people on the planet, a person whom she had given strict instruction to Don to NOT use in any part of their planning) had indicated that the switch had been done there were a million other things that could have gone wrong. Maybe someone noticed the extra-wide shape of the hearse and the extended thickness of the floor and decided to investigate. Maybe the mechanism in the floor that held the body of her son malfunctioned and they were having trouble getting him out. Maybe the private plane she had chartered to fly her son’s body out to Hawaii had met with disaster. Even if all of these things had happened she could fix them. It sure as hell would not be easy, but it could be done. Besides, what were the odds that so much or everything would go wrong?
    But with each step back to the airport terminal where she had left Don she wished she would have at least tried to look in the body bag before leaving Ecclesiastical Forensics Pathology. She would have felt much better at least seeing to that part for herself. If it was up to her, hell, she would do everything that needed to be done all by herself. Why? Because she trusted no one more that she trusted herself.
    It didn’t take a rocket scientist to read Don’s body language and tell something was very wrong. He was resting his head on the window, hands stuffed in his pockets and shoulders sagging forward. His posture gave Regina the impression that he was desperately trying to disappear, or at least make himself smaller so that he would be more difficult for her to spot. Somewhere in the back of her mind she had known that this was going to happen. She knew that somewhere along the line Don would stray from her path of instruction and end up fucking things over royally. This had happened every single time she had needed to come to the aid of her son in such an over-the-top, dramatic fashion.
    “Don?” Regina called to him. She watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallowed hard. She felt the anger within her building up in her heart and filling it, metamorphosing into rage. That rage increased exponentially with each breath she took in, sharply slicing away at the self-control she used to tame her temper. She felt her control slipping, the white-hot embers of her wrath beginning to spill over and course through her veins to every part of her body. She would kill him for sure. Not here in the airport, but she would definitely kill him. And just to show him how true to her word she was she would make his death long and suffering and terrible.
    And make no mistake about it he would deserve every bit of it.
    “Don?” Regina called out to him again. “ Don?” She thought for a moment he was doing something he had never done before. Ignoring her. “Don!” She absentmindedly clenched her fists. “I am talking to YOU, Don! Turn around!”
    He didn’t want to turn around, but he did. She saw that his eyes were wide with fear and tendrils of approval shot through her body. Now standing only a few feet from him she saw the sweat that beaded on his forehead and she knew that whatever news he had for her it was going to be the worst. Far worse than she would have ever expected.
    “R-Regina,” he stammered, “there’s, ah, there’s been some unfortunate developments.” He swallowed and his throat clicked dryly.
    “Has there been?”
    “Yes. The, uhm…our son-”
    “MY son,” Regina corrected Don.
    “Yes. Your son. He…uhm…” Don began to fiddle with the change in his pockets. Regina’s hands twitched, begging to fly to Don’s throat, to interlock their fingers, and then to shake whatever information this happy asshole was trying to say out of his mouth.
    “You know, Don, it would be better for you to just get out whatever it is you are having trouble with. You already know I am pissed. At the very least that should be obvious. So, why not save us both the added trouble and come out with it?”
    “He’s not on the plane to Hawaii.”
    “Uhm-hum. So, where is he?” She took a step forward directly into Don’s personal space. He tried to take a step back and met with the wall.
    “He’s not here at the airport,” Don almost whispered.
    “Then WHERE is he, Don? Or maybe you would rather play twenty questions?” Regina’s voice had started to rise. Her lips pulled back from her teeth in a snarl as she spoke, “Is he still in the hearse?”
    “No,” Don answered in a very small voice.
    “Did the hearse driver go back to Kelsey? Is his body still there?”
    “No,” Don answered, and Regina could smell the sour acid that was bubbling in his stomach on his breath.
    “Then WHERE is he?”
    “At Ecclesiastical Forensics Pathology.”
    Christ. This was very bad news indeed.
    “Is that so?” Regina’s expression darkened. “And why, pray tell, is my son still there?” Don saw that Regina’s expression was not the only thing that had darkened. He could no longer see the pupils in her aqua blue eyes. Neither could he see the aqua blue of the iris.
    Regina’s eyes were completely and totally black.
    Don felt his bladder spasm, and if it hadn’t been for the fact he had emptied his bladder twenty minutes ago in the men’s room of the terminal he would have urinated on himself.
    “They are doing…an autopsy…on him. As we speak the doctors are examining his body-” Don’s words were cut short. Regina’s hand had moved with a swiftness that ninjas only dreamt about, leaving a perfect, red hand mark that covered the majority of the right side of his face. Don cried out in pain and terror, pissing off Regina even more who promptly brought her other hand across the other side of Don’s face.
    “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!” Regina screamed into his face, and just like that her conscious mind locked onto what was wrong about loading her son onto the hearse over at Kelsey Memorial.
    There were no camera crews filming the event.
    Not her special camera crew or anyone else’s. At least none that she could see, at any rate.
    “You STUPID mother fucker!” she exclaimed through clenched teeth. The cords in her neck stood out ferociously and her face burned crimson. “You forgot to call the mother FUCKING camera crew? What the fuckey-DOO am I gonna tell everyone now, you goddamn imbecile?!”
    Don instinctively looked around the terminal for help, but save for the mother and two children who were scurrying away from that particular airport terminal and down the hallway to, well, to someplace else, there was no one.
    “Regina! Please!” Don begged as he brought his hands up to protect his face. “I didn’t know! I didn’t know!”
    “Didn’t know what? Huh? How to follow fucking simple instructions?” Regina roared, violently grabbing him by the lapels and jerking his face so close to her own that their noses almost touched.
    “Mordecai! Mordecai! He didn’t mean to send the text saying it was done to me! He made a mistake! A mistake! He was sending the text to-” Don broke off mid sentence as he felt himself lifted and thrown like a child’s rag doll over three rows of chairs. His body turned and twisted in the air, and when he came down he landed awkwardly on the side of his head, his neck twisting, shoulder crunching, and back painfully scraping the metal armrest of one of the chairs.
    “YOU!” Regina screamed like a banshee in pain, moving with the eerie swiftness of an owl’s shadow in the light of a midnight moon.
    “No! Regina, please!” Don begged as he righted himself and tried to stand up. “Mordecai didn’t even make it into the hearse! H-he was h-high on m-meth-” Don screamed as Regina half crouched and grabbed his testicles in one hand and his neck in the other. She threw him again, this time her uncontrolled anger propelling him even further. He hit the top of the airline check-in desk and skittered across the top sending papers flying every which way. His momentum carried him off of the desk and he promptly landed in a large clay flowerpot that broke.
    Don rolled to his side amidst the dark, peaty dirt and broken pieces of pottery. He knew Regina was coming for him. He could feel her coming for him, her black agate eyes shining with hate and the fingers of both her hands pulled into talons that were more than ready and willing to quite literally reduce him to a pile of ribbons.
    He lost his balance as he tried to stand up and thrust his hands out to catch himself. His hands came down on the razor sharp pieces of broken pottery and he cried out in pain and fear. He had hit his temple quite hard when he landed on the desk and his ears were ringing so he sensed more that heard Regina moving behind him. He swayed as he stood up and turned to face her, his bleeding palms held out in surrender.
    “Plea-” Don had intended to tell Regina that he was pretty sure that the only people who had seen the real body of Christianity Stoops were the two doctors performing the autopsy. Well, the two doctors and maybe their assistants who probably didn’t do much more than measure, weigh, and take pictures of the body, however that went. He didn’t get very far with what he wanted to say when an explosion of stars speckled his vision.
    Regina had spun smartly around on the ball of one foot and connected one of her fists with Don’s jaw. Three of Don’s molars broke off where the crowns met the gum-line and he fell back, arms pin wheeling and legs collapsing. Feeling a sharp pain in his throat he numbly realized in a far away thought that he had swallowed a tooth. He fell hard on the floor and a random thought flitted across his mind: My foot feels different. He had lost one of his shoes.
    Then Regina was upon him like a great and terrible monster released from a pit, wrapping her hands around his throat and squeezing with hellish force. She kicked one leg back mimicking a donkey kick and then brought her knee straight into his crotch with deadly aim. The world started to swim away from Don in a wave of white-hot sparks that occurred in a realm of pain he never knew existed, much less ever experienced.
    Right before he passed out he realized he had indeed peed his pants after all.

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