The Tenement Gospel
(the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible)
The Book of I ‘Lonians
(the thirteenth book of The Tenement Gospel)
Chapter 1
1 Pablo and Cisco on Locoweed to the mental asylum that be in ‘Loniaca that some people be callin’ a church,
2 Regardless of the crazy shit you done did and said and the crap you be denyin’ that you be responsible for and our resulting differences,
3 May the love of the universe and all that be makin’ up what God is be blessin’ yo’ asses mightily. For everyone be deserving’ of the love of that which be God, ya’ll be diggin’ that truth?
4 See, me an’ Cisco, yup I be Pablo, we be discussin’ how grateful we be to all that be God that we ain’t be endin’ up like the mental cases ya’ll be turnin‘ out to be like.
5 Ya’ll be thinking’ there ain’t be no creases in yo’ faith, an’ it be tough like the dickens and a work o’ love.
6 But yo’ silly asses be deluded by yo’ desire to be the only peoples to be havin’ the supposed only truth in what be this universe and this eternity.
7 What be makin’ matters even worse is the fact that ya’ll silly asses don’t be seein’ the folly of your supposed faith,
8 For ya’ll be spendin’ ridiculous amounts of time tryin’ to be bridgin’ the facets of ya’lls ideology that don’t be makin’ no goddamn sense and that don’t be connectin’ in the least bit with the love that ya’lls be sayin’ youz have access to. Shee-it.
9 First let’s be talkin’ abouts the love that you be sayin’ youz and nobody else be havin’ access to unless they be believin’ like you be believin’.
10 Now, ya’ll really put some effort into thinkin’ about this, ‘aight?
11 If it is love that be everywhere, foh-shizzle it is, then it don’t be matterin’ one bit whether or not somebody be believin’ like ya’ll do, you dig?
12 They be havin’ love, they be fallin’ in love, they be expressin’ love, they be for love and to love and surrounded by love…just like youz and everybody else everywhere.
13 Ya’ll don’t have sole and true access to all that be love and God ‘cause of how you be believin’, so ya’ll can get right down offa dat pony right now, ‘aight? This ain’t no damn spiritual Del Mar where you be racin’ divine ponies for salvations. Shee-it.
14 You be sayin’ that you be knowin’ the love of God, but you be the first muthas to be stingy with ya’lls love sayin’ this or that person don’t be gettin’ that love cause they not be believin’ like youz be wantin’ or maybe cause theys gay. Shee-it.
15 Ya’ll be a buncha stupid mutha suckas.
Chapter 2
1 Now let’s be talkin’ about ya’lls version and interpretation of what be salvations, ‘aight?
2 Ya’lls version of salvation be makin’ ‘bout as much sense as them idiots who came to the New World claimin’ Manifest Destiny and claimin’ to be bringin’ civilization and then they be endin’ up killin’ off Native American tribes on purpose.
3 I ain’t sure where the fuck ya’lls went to bible college an’ salvations school, but in case youz didn’t be knowin’ the term salvation be meanin’ that somethin’ be saved, not killed, you stupid fuckas. An’ incase ya ain’t guessed it ain’t no damn civilization neither.
4 Since when do killin’ and murderin’ qualify as some kinda apparent destiny or qualify as anythin’ even remotely reminiscent of civilizations that anybody really want to be havin’ brought to them?
5 And whenever somebody don’t want to be hearin’ your jive ya’ll be quick to either re-cram your crap religious opinions down their throat or youz be labelin’ them as heathen, Devil worshippers, or prisoners of The World.
6 Ya’ll also do your damnedest to be convincin’ people that ya’ll be havin’ the only valid way to be acquirin’ salvations through youz version of Jesus,
7 But the truth be that ya’ll be interpretin’ what Jesus said so it be fittin’ whatever stupid and twisted ideology you be pumpin’ into the world.
8 And ya’ll say some pretty backward shit that don’t be makin’ no sense no how, ‘aight?
9 Ya’ll say people ain’t be saved by works an’ if they do try it they stupid, but then ya’lls stupid asses go and say shit like Jesus don’t be wantin’ people to be wearin’ make-up an’ nice clothes and havin’ nice and expensive thangs,
10 But ain’t you suckas see that that be the same bullcrap as tryin’ to be saved by works? See? You stupid muthas don’t be makin’ no fuckin’ sense. That or youz crazy asses just love soundin’ like a buncha hypocrites.
11 It be that ya’ll be the masters of the stupid phrasin’, Do as I say and not as I be doin’. Shee-it. That be some of the dumbest pee-donkin’ shit that a brotha be hearin’.
12 Don’t ya’ll see that you be talkin’ in circles?
13 See, the way it be in the real world, that thing that ya’ll be tryin’ so desperately hard to be avoidin’, in the real world salvations be the recognition of love. Do you know why this be?
14 Salvations be the recognition of love, ‘cause ya’ll can’t be havin’ happiness and joy without love, ‘aight? And once a person be recognizin’ love and be lettin’ it to run they life the way it should be run then all kinds of great stuff be happnin’.
15 When people be recognizin’ love there ain’t be no fightin’ and no drawin’ lines in the sand of whose God be better than who else’s God. Shee-it. That happy crap be an old-ass argument, so ya’lls gots to be droppin’ that shit.
16 When people be recognizin’ love they be saved from that terrible desire to conquer and subjugate.
17 When people be recognizin’ love then they automatically be focusin’ on livin’ to love and lovin’ to live.
18 When people be recognizin’ love they stop doin’ things that be hurtin’ each other and they stop wastin’ they time doin’ mean things and instead be focusin’ on simply enjoyin’ everything that be life.
19 And redemption be very similar to salvations, ‘aight? See, in order to have redemption youz gots to be havin’ salvations.
20 What salvations be doin’ is openin’ youz eyes to the fact that there be things in ya’lls life that need attentions and changin’. Look at ya’lls life and see where there be uneven ground that be needin’ smoothin’.
21 Then you apply the love of salvations to those things in ya’lls life that need changin’ and fixin’ and from there ya’ll be gettin’ redemptions, foh-shizzle this be the truth.
22 Ya’ll crazy muthas of the Gospel of Disaster be talkin’ like you be havin’ redemptions and salvations, but in reality ya’ll be havin’ neither of either, and do youz be knowin’ why?
23 Ya’ll don’t have either ‘cause ya’lls ain’t be feelin’ the love and sharing’ it like ya’ll should be doin’. Ya’ll sit there comfortable in your disastrous faith that be puttin’ this religion and that religion over or under another religion.
24 Ya’ll are so worked up and wrapped up in tryin’ to sell ya’ll snake oil religion that youz don’t be seein’ you ain’t anywheres near salvations and redemptions like you done think you be. Shee-it.
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