The Twenty-Second Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible New Testament)

The Tenement Gospel

(the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible New Testament)

The Book of II Pete
(the twenty-second book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Pete Simon, a slave and pushover to those preachin’ disaster, a bipolar mutha who be thinkin’ that apostate and apostle be meanin’ the shame shit,
    2 Escapee of the Righteousness Asylum for the Spiritually Insane, and half brother to the self-proclaimed Lamb of God David Koresh,
    3 This be the letter that be written by me, Pete Simon’s brotha, Simon Pete.
    4 May all the blessin’ that be comin’ from the expansive God of the Tenement Gospel be with all ya’ll. And before I be forgettin’, I wanna be apologizin’ to the people my idiot brotha Pete Simon been harassin’ with his crazy version of God and salvation.
    5 Please try to be understandin’ that Pete Simon be zealously insane and really don’t be knowin’ any better, you dig? So, if he be tryin’ to start botherin’ youz again simply ignore his judgmental and remedial ass.
    6 Movin’ on, I am goin’ to be telling’ ya’ll about the power that be in us all, you dig? See, God and all that is God and for God and to God and in God be very powerful.
    7 And if you be takin’ the knowledge of what this power be you will be havin’ the reigns of yo life firmly in ya’lls hand, for good.
    8 Now the Gospel of Disaster be makin’ grand promises to people, sayin’ that if people be believin’ the Gospel of Disaster they can be avoidin’ corruption and severe judgment from God.
    9 This be why I be tellin’ ya’ll that it be important that ya’ll don’t be misled by a delusional doctrine of disaster that people be tryin’ to pass off as truth and salvation.
    10 For the faith of the Gospel of Disaster be tryin’ to convince anyone who be willin’ to hear that theys should be ignorin’ that which be holy and already existin’ within them.
    11 And this same Gospel of Disaster be promisin’ many riches and pleasures in eternity right along side of Jesus if youz only cast all ya’lls other beliefs out the friggin’ window and start followin’ they brand of spiritual suicide.
    12 Now those who be believin’ in the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ that theys always gots to be remindin’ theyselfs of their gospel, they salvation, and they sufferin’.
    13 But they who be followin’ the Tenement Gospel don’t ever be needed to be reminded ‘cause once the Tenement Gospel be revealed to a brotha they ain’t be no goin’ back.
    14 And while the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ that the Tenement Gospel be nothin’ more than a myth that be placin’ false powers an’ salvations in people, that don’t be makin’ it true.
    15 The Gospel of Disaster be claimin’ that they be given prophecies and that those prophecies be sayin’ that they brand of condemnin’ faith be the correct and only truth.
    16 That the sit-gee-ations that be happnin’ in the world around them may be fittin’ they prophecies, they be takin’ these sit-gee-ations and stretchin’ the fuck outta’ them ‘till they be fittin’ they prophecies and not one shred of truth be remainin’.
    17 And the prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster drown in they own fear as they be tryin’ to prepare for some big ass cataclysm that they be hopin’ to avoid by believing’ the way that they be doin’.
    18 They be ignorin’ the fact that they prophecies be comin’ from the devious minds of men who be claimin’ that they be gettin’ the info from God or be gettin’ the info from religious texts.
    19 But ya’ll be knowin’ that the excellence of God that be in this universe and in every person don’t be goin’ around’ makin’ crazy, hopeless, pointless, despondent prophecies.
    20 That be the truth, my brotha. Foh-shizzle.