The Twentieth Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible)

 The Tenement Gospel

 (the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible New Testament)

The Book of Jaime
(the twentieth book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Salaam, my dizzle! I be brotha Jaime, foh-shizzle! I was once a slave, but now I be a freed mutha since I be lettin’ go of the Gospel of Disaster.
    2 Gather ‘round! Gather ‘round, my brothas! I gots some serious shit to be tellin’ y’all. So, ya’ll be good mutha fuckas an’ listen to what a brotha has to say, ‘aight?
    3 Now ya’ll can take my word for it that every day is a good day.
    4 ‘Course it be the undeniable truth that some of the sit-gee-ations of the day can be shitty and even downright fucked up.
    5 Just do yo self a favor an’ remember that jacked-up sit-gee-ations cain’t never take away from the goodness of the day, ‘aight?
    6 If something’ bad an’ shitty be fuckin’ wit your day, do everythin’ you can to find somethin’ positive, somethin’ joyful that you can take wit you.
    7 Ya’ll be grateful for yo mistakes and fuck-ups, ‘cause if there be anythin’ you can take from such things it be the fact that at least you now know what not to do in future sit-gee-ations.
    8 See, homey, ya’ll be helpin’ yo self if you be rememberin’ that your faith that ya’ll will be gettin’ things right at some point or other actually builds endurance, ‘aight?
    9 You gots to remember, my brothas, that yo endurance created on one day will be helpin’ you gets through the craziness of the next day, you dig?
    10 Ya’ll be rememberin’ this an’ youz will never experience a life short of or devoid of perseverance.
    11 And if you ever be feelin’ that you is a stupid mutha fucka and don’t know shit from shinola, that be alright,
    12 ‘Cause all youz really need to do, homey, is keep an open mind an’ a non-judgmental heart, and the wisdom you be needin’ to live a happy and kick-ass life will always be surroundin’ you, be available to you, and be made known to you,
    13 For the understandin’ of God, of what God be, of what God is, of what God does, and of what you are in relation to God will always be yours to do with as you be willin’ to do.
    14 And ya’ll best be rememberin’ that sometimes you will be havin’ a shitty day an’ cain’t seem to be feelin’ the faith or rememberin’ the Tenement Gospel; this be okay, my brotha, ‘cause you be human. What the fuck else do you expect?
    15 Blessed is the brothas that be rememberin’ the gifts of trial an’ error ‘cause they be the ones to wear the crown of a life that be livin’ to love, and lovin’ to live.
    16 And when you be tempted to do some stupid shit that you be knowin’ is wrong, and you be doin’ it anyways, don’t be tryin’ to sell yo self on the idea that your fuck-up is God simply testin’ you. That shit be makin’ no goddamn sense whatsoever.
    17 God don’t be testin’ people like they was in some high school class takin’ a pop-quiz or some other crazy shit.
    18 People be fuckin’ they own lives up when they be givin’ in to the temptations of they own ridiculous lusts.
    19 And this lust that be foolin’ these mutha fuckas be born out of partaking in pleasures without any real joy or love, ‘aight?
    20 All things and gifts that be good in this life and in this universe be from God and love and the understandin’ that God be love, and love be God.
    21 And God be givin’ men the choice to be understandin’ the love that be everywhere in this universe.
    22 And God be givin’ men the choice to be understandin’ the infinite expressions of what be the truth.
    23 Lots of homeys out there be knowin’ this, but there also be just as many mutha fuckas out there who cain’t hear for shit, who cain’t see for shit, who cain’t understand for shit, and who cain’t understand right from wrong any more than they be understandin’ that there really be no difference ‘tween night and day.
    24 So, ya’ll out there who be fightin’ over who has a better bead on what is the truth, and all ya’ll who take great and dark pleasure in seedin’ and seein’ malice and discontent ‘tween the nations of men do yo self an’ everybody else a favor and shut the fuck up.
    25 And if someone be spoutin’ off at the mouth about doin’ things to make the world a better place, they best be doin’ what they be talkin’ about lest they be guilty of bein’ ignorant, stupid, hypocritical mutha fuckas.
    26 For blessed be those men who have the understandin’ that perfection is not doin’ somethin’ without mistake, but rather is the understandin’ and knowledge of endless possibilities.
    27 Such is the pure, straight-up, unified religion of God and the Tenement Gospel.

Chapter 2

    1 My brothas, it be very important that youz be understandin’ of the voracious appetite of the Gospel of Disaster, the fear it be creatin’, and the path of destruction it always leaves in its wake.
    2 For those who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster don’t give a shit who they be hurtin’ with their depressing and despondent rhetoric.
    3 And the priests of the Gospel of Disaster say to their homeys, See these mutha fuckas who be comin’ in our direction, into our church?
    4 We shouldn’t be lettin’ these fools into our holy place. Neither shall we be givin’ them food to be eatin’ or clothing to be wearin’ or shelter to be coverin’ they heads when they be sleepin’ unless they relent and believe as we be believin’;
    5 And lo! Say the men who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster, See these homeys who be dressin’ different, prayin’ different, lovin’ different, livin’ different, and belivin’ different?
    6 We ain’t gonna be payin’ them no mind, and we ain’t gonna be lisnin’ to their deluded faiths and interpretations of truth and God,
    7 For our God be better than their God.
    8 And those who be jawin’ on about the Gospel of Disaster travel great lengths and be takin’ great measures to create and point out every belief that be different from they own,
    9 These men be drawin’ numerous and unmistakable separation lines ‘tween theyselves an’ those who be believin’ different, ‘cause it be makin’ them feel better ‘bout the life of fear that they be leadin’ and the Gospel of Disaster they be preachin’.
    10 And they be sayin’ to theyselves, We be the truly blessed and the truly holy ‘cause we be havin’ these differences and be doin’ these things.
    11 And these mutha fuckas be dishonorin’ the absolutes of the universe when they be sayin’ and tellin’ other men to love they neighbor as theyselfs, and yet these mo’ fos do not do as they be sayin’.
    12 Those who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster say all those who be believin’ different be creatin’ sin.
    13 But I be sayin’ to you, homey, that those who be tryin’ to draw lines of separation ‘tween different faiths and different interpretations of God are the ones who be the sinners.
    14 These fools be sayin’ that all men should be forsakin’ all other faiths and beliefs and understandin’ of God that they might be findin’ true mercy by avoidin’ judgment.
    15 But I be sayin’ to you, homey, that true mercy can only be experienced by those who be possessin’ judgment that be acceptin’ of the truth and reality of all faiths.
    16 And you can be takin’ my word for it, my brothas, that the spite and the hate and the seeds of separation that be carried by the Gospel of Disaster offer not one shred or iota of gain in any sense of the word.
    17 For any gospel that be sayin’, Do as I be sayin’ and not as I be doin’, be a lifeless an’ dead faith.
    18 And the muthas that be believin’ in no faith other than they own and no God other than they own be shudderin’ and shakin’ at the thought that there might be more truth and more faiths and more interpretations of God than the one they be peddlin’.
    19 And these ding-dongs, vain mutha fuckas that they be, cain’t see that the works of their stingy and hurtful faith be fuckin’ pointless.
    20 And did not Abraham be puttin’ the Gospel of Disaster in its place when he be asked to sacrifice and cut up his own spawn on an altar?
    21 And Abraham be respondin’, What the fuck kind of fucked up faith asks for blood to be shed in order to be avoidin’ pain and sufferin’ and providin’ proof of a brothas faith?
    22 And it be that the scriptures be true that said, And Abraham be refusin’ to murder his spawn for he be sayin’ that men be justified by an open heart and an open mind, and not by the fucked up rantings of a murderin’, hurtful faith.
    23 An’ just like Abraham, the ho Rahab told the messengers to shut the fuck up, and that she would not be actin’ a fool by doin’ the biddin’ of the Gospel of Disaster.
    24 For a faith that be askin’ its believers to be hurtin’, killin’, murderin’, enslaving’, an’ stealin’ be a dead faith.


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God IS the Persevering Gift Giver

Buying Gifts for Recipients You Really Don’t Want to Buy For
By: God the Persevering

    Last Christmas my boss God Almighty decided to begin a new tradition at work. He decided that from then on we would all participate in a Secret Santa gift exchange. This meant that everybody’s name would go into a hat, my boss would shake it up, and then everyone would pick out a name. The name an individual picked would be the individual they were to purchase a gift for.

    In theory this is a pretty good idea. In practice it is a stupid idea. Inevitably there will always be someone at the office that you absolutely detest and you can put good money on it you will end up pulling their name. For me things are a little bit worse as I work with quite a few individuals I can’t stand to even be around. For example, Lucifer is a whiner who always gets what he wants every time he stamps his cloven little hooves and complains to his dad. Jesus the Good Shepherd of the Blessed Flock is a kiss-ass who is always running little errands for God Almighty just to gain favor. Christ the Lamb and the Lamb of the Flock don’t deserve anything from me since they are so ever-loving self-righteous.

    Anyways, the day we pulled the names out of the hat I was very irritated as I drew Lucifer’s name. Lucky me, right? I went for a drive and ended up stopping at a gas station for a snack. I went inside the gas station store and was happily surprised as, lo and behold, but there in front of the cashier’s counter stood a rack of trinkets and collectables, all inexpensive. I picked out six key chains, seventeen mini flashlights, nine low-quality bungee tie packs, eleven cheapie tire pressure testers, and forty-eight tree shaped car air fresheners…all for a measly three bucks. After returning home I began to consider other items that were cheap and that could be passed off as gifts. I now share with you this pertinent information.

    Toiletries and sundry items are amazingly cheap and easy to find. I suggest purchasing one of those fifty-cent birthday bags and stuffing it with toothbrushes, soaps, body washes, shavers, shaving cream, lotions, combs, brushes, tampons, and maxi pads. Sometimes you can even find an actual sundry set that sells all of these very same items altogether for an agreeable price.

    Household items such as door mats, bathroom rugs for the toilet, kitchen sponges, brooms, mops, plungers, closet hangers, and key chain holders are inexpensive yet functional gifts. There are even quite a few kitchen appliances that are relatively cheap. These items include one slice toasters, blenders that possess only one speed, manual can openers, utensil drawer trays, and cheapie microwaves (the kind that take six days to cook a frozen burrito).

    Personal clothing items can be found for pennies on the dollar at any ninety-nine cent establishment. Clothing items include underwear, socks, panty hose, bras, jock straps, lingerie, and garters. Check the clearance racks for such items as pants, skirts, jackets, and shirts. These items are usually dirt cheap considering that most individuals would not want to be caught dead wearing them at home, much less out in public.

    Entertainment items are many times so inexpensive you can purchase them with wampum, thereby avoiding having to use your own real money. Some of these items are disposable cameras, travel alarm clocks, universal remotes, walkie-talkies (the ones that are poorly manufactured and have a range of about twelve feet), and laser pens. Electronic pocket games are another good choice. DVDs, albeit those with titles you’ve never heard, can be bought by the armload with minimal expenditure. These DVDs usually have names like The Day of the UFO, Chased by the Devil, It Came From the Bottom of the Sea, Battle in Space, and Tasty Morsel of the Vampire.

    Self-help tapes and audio disks are another good idea, provided that you are not purchasing the ones that really do help the self. The real and well-known self-help audio products are very expensive. Titles you should look for are “Discover Your Hidden Violent Streak”, “Taking Over the World in Just Three Weeks”, “Stop Smoking, Start Drinking”, “Administering Your Own Shock Therapy”, and “How to File a Frivolous Lawsuit”.

    There are plenty of other items that do not necessarily fit into any particular category. Some of these items are matches and lighter fluid (deep down inside everyone is a pyromaniac), scented candles, computer mouse pads, miniature screwdriver sets, sticky car compasses, fuzzy dice, miniature sewing kits, scarves and mittens, flip-flops, lotion dispensers, and refrigerator magnets.

    I hope what I have had to say is very helpful to you. Now you can approach any gift-giving season with confidence and gusto.

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