Tis The Season To Be Realistic About Religion

Tis The Season For WHAT?!

By: God the Surprisingly Mean

Tis the season? For fucking WHAT, people?! To dart hither and thither and in and out of stores all in a twisted effort to race each other to the aisles with the best toys or clothes so you can get credit for giving a good gift? What is wrong with you?

Lemmie tell you what this season is really for:

This season is for telling all the religiously oppressive freaks of the world to stuff that crap where the sun don't shine. That is what this season is for. And if they try to sell you on some dumb ass story of some dude from a third world country dying on some wood to supposedly save the world from the stupid shit people do be sure to direct them to the REAL story of Jesus...The Tenement Gospel. For those folks who continue to harass and berate you with absurd religious mojo, why buy the book on Amazon Kindle and send it to their little Kindle pad...HAH!!

The Tenement Gospel is a re-write of the ENTIRE New Testament. The prequel, a re-write of the ENTIRE Old Testament (a book called Old Testy Men) will be available soon...tee hee!!

If someone tries to tell you about Jesus...buy them this book.

If someone tries to sell you on some bullshit on how your soul needs to be saved...buy them this book.

If someone tries to tell you that Jesus is coming back and is really pissed...buy them this book.

If someone tries to tell you there is such a thing as sin...buy them this book.

If someone tries to tell you there is such a thing as some great grand poo-bah judgment of God...buy them this book.

Most of all...if someone tries to tell you there is only ONE WAY TO BELIEVE...buy them this book. It is the truth about Jesus and the suicidal brand of salvation that people who believe in such poppycock preach.

Buy this amazingly hilarious and truthful book at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004W0ITIY/ref=r_soa_s_i

Also visit: https://sites.google.com/site/esterlighthorse/

The Twenty-Second Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible New Testament)

The Tenement Gospel

(the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible New Testament)

The Book of II Pete
(the twenty-second book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Pete Simon, a slave and pushover to those preachin’ disaster, a bipolar mutha who be thinkin’ that apostate and apostle be meanin’ the shame shit,
    2 Escapee of the Righteousness Asylum for the Spiritually Insane, and half brother to the self-proclaimed Lamb of God David Koresh,
    3 This be the letter that be written by me, Pete Simon’s brotha, Simon Pete.
    4 May all the blessin’ that be comin’ from the expansive God of the Tenement Gospel be with all ya’ll. And before I be forgettin’, I wanna be apologizin’ to the people my idiot brotha Pete Simon been harassin’ with his crazy version of God and salvation.
    5 Please try to be understandin’ that Pete Simon be zealously insane and really don’t be knowin’ any better, you dig? So, if he be tryin’ to start botherin’ youz again simply ignore his judgmental and remedial ass.
    6 Movin’ on, I am goin’ to be telling’ ya’ll about the power that be in us all, you dig? See, God and all that is God and for God and to God and in God be very powerful.
    7 And if you be takin’ the knowledge of what this power be you will be havin’ the reigns of yo life firmly in ya’lls hand, for good.
    8 Now the Gospel of Disaster be makin’ grand promises to people, sayin’ that if people be believin’ the Gospel of Disaster they can be avoidin’ corruption and severe judgment from God.
    9 This be why I be tellin’ ya’ll that it be important that ya’ll don’t be misled by a delusional doctrine of disaster that people be tryin’ to pass off as truth and salvation.
    10 For the faith of the Gospel of Disaster be tryin’ to convince anyone who be willin’ to hear that theys should be ignorin’ that which be holy and already existin’ within them.
    11 And this same Gospel of Disaster be promisin’ many riches and pleasures in eternity right along side of Jesus if youz only cast all ya’lls other beliefs out the friggin’ window and start followin’ they brand of spiritual suicide.
    12 Now those who be believin’ in the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ that theys always gots to be remindin’ theyselfs of their gospel, they salvation, and they sufferin’.
    13 But they who be followin’ the Tenement Gospel don’t ever be needed to be reminded ‘cause once the Tenement Gospel be revealed to a brotha they ain’t be no goin’ back.
    14 And while the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ that the Tenement Gospel be nothin’ more than a myth that be placin’ false powers an’ salvations in people, that don’t be makin’ it true.
    15 The Gospel of Disaster be claimin’ that they be given prophecies and that those prophecies be sayin’ that they brand of condemnin’ faith be the correct and only truth.
    16 That the sit-gee-ations that be happnin’ in the world around them may be fittin’ they prophecies, they be takin’ these sit-gee-ations and stretchin’ the fuck outta’ them ‘till they be fittin’ they prophecies and not one shred of truth be remainin’.
    17 And the prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster drown in they own fear as they be tryin’ to prepare for some big ass cataclysm that they be hopin’ to avoid by believing’ the way that they be doin’.
    18 They be ignorin’ the fact that they prophecies be comin’ from the devious minds of men who be claimin’ that they be gettin’ the info from God or be gettin’ the info from religious texts.
    19 But ya’ll be knowin’ that the excellence of God that be in this universe and in every person don’t be goin’ around’ makin’ crazy, hopeless, pointless, despondent prophecies.
    20 That be the truth, my brotha. Foh-shizzle.

The Twelfth Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible)

The Tenement Gospel

(the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible)

The Book of Carlos
(the twelfth book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Carlos, a prisoner of San Quentin through the will of the people in The People vs. Carlos,
    2 I be givin’ thanks to the jury for not givin’ me the chair. Jesus Christ! I was prayin’ for mercy!
    3 Anyways, this letter be to the governor of the state I be incarcerated in, havin’ heard you would be grantin’ clemency to five criminals,
    4 I be writin’ to you in hopes I be one of the five to be granted clemency.
    5 I be comin’ to prison for crimes that I be dearly sorry for. In addition to that I am now a different man for I have found Jesus while here in prison.
    6 Jesus Mendez be in the cell next to me and he be telling’ me about the craziness of the shit I done did.
    7 The crimes that I be guilty of were these: Theft of Hope, Embezzlement of Faith, Felony Frightening, Preaching Disaster Without a License, Spiritual False Imprisonment, Conspiracy to Inflict Despondency, Intentional Misinterpretation,
    8 Contributing to the Delinquency of Happiness, Felony Solicitation of Stupidity, Intentional Neglect of Love, Disturbing the Inner Peace, Assault With a Deadly Dogma, Mutilation of All Hope, Withholding Divine Evidence, Ethereal Vandalism,
    9 Unlawful Operation of a Negative Divine Message, Perjury, Unlawful Removal of a Valid Faith, Encroachment of Personal Spiritual Property, Trespassing on Private Hopes and Dreams, Spiritual Homicide, Felony Faith Fraud, Felony Harassment of Faith,
    10 Slander of Truth, Libel of Love, Poisoning the Well, Attempted Robbery of Hope, Conspiracy to Commit Murder of Hope, Felony Divine Misrepresentation, Impersonation of a Caring Representative of Divine Faiths, Counterfeiting Peace,
    11 Marketing and Selling Known Defective Religious Theory, Impersonation of a Caring Individual, Contributing to the Delinquency of Friendships, Contributing to the Delinquency of Families, Contributing to the Delinquency of Gullible Individuals,
    12 Encouragement of Intentional Neglect of the Profoundness of Truth, Intentional Distortion of the Love of That Which is God, Attempted Withholding of the Truths of Salvations, Felony Wrongful Judgments of Individuals of Different Faiths,
    13 Felony Wrongful Judgments of Individuals of No Faith, Attempted Reconciliation of Predestination and Freewill, Intentional Misinterpretation of Destiny, Intentional Misinterpretation of Freewill, Intentional Neglect of the Wide Path,
    14 Felony Vandalism of the Narrow Path, Felony Aberrant Interpretation of Love, Intentional Injection of Flotsam and Jetsam in Faiths, Felony Mental Abuse Through Intentional Instillation of Deep Fear, Felony Mental Farming of Fear,
    15 Encouragement of Severe Mental Disease Through Instillation of Deep Fear, Felony Instruction of the Hate of Those Who Believe Differently, and Felony Instruction of Destructive Social Behavior Through Holier-Than-Thou Religious Ideology.
    16 When I first be getting’ here I remember sayin’ that I was here because God was testin’ my faith.
    17 For a long time I sat and convinced myself I be here ‘cause of the needed sufferin’, the required sufferin’ in order to be qualifyin’ for eternal salvations.
    18 But after long talks with Jesus I now see that I be here of the actions of my own freewill.
    19 Now I be sittin’ here in the quandary I be creatin’ of my misled desire to be better than everybody else, my heart torn by the chaos I helped to be creatin’, my soul achin’ for those I turned away from love,
    20 Askin’ for your forgiveness.

Chapter 2

    1 I wish I could be sayin’ that I didn’t be knowin’ any better, but that wouldn’t be the truth at this point.
    2 I had been a pusher and dealer of disaster for far too long to not see and understand what really be goin’ down, that I had been knowin’ full well for a long time what I had been doin’.
    3 I used my personal gifts and talents of gab and presence to dazzle people who would be willin’ to listen with a story that couldn’t possibly be true.
    4 But it was with a gilded tongue and a severely misplaced sense of superiority that I painted a picture of the ability to have something that everyone else didn’t have unless they be believin’ in a certain way
    5 Sure, I would tell people that some peoples did have it but they were the special ones, the exceptions, the saved, the chosen, the risen, the achievers, the winners, the over-comers,
    6 And wouldn’t they like to be as these people? Achievers and winners and over-comers? Of course they did. I knew they would, if I only be pushin’ the right buttons.
    7 I tried to pass off my own stubborn misunderstandings as valid truths, and then I sold these twisted ideals of false faith to those lookin’ for answers to their divine an’ spiritual questions.
    8 See, when I was a younger man, involved with my studyin’ and tryin’ to be settin’ myself in the world, I was searchin’ for many answers to big questions I had.
    9 There had to be something more than jes’ runnin’ my father’s bid’ness and travelin’ to Rome, Capernaum, Athens, Alexandria, Carthage and other places to sell an’ be makin’ money.
    10 I had plenty of money and houses and land as the heir to all my father had been building’ over the years as a popular Roman businessman,
    11 But for some reason I be feelin’ at times that somethin’ be missin’, maybe somethin’ that was right there before me that I jes’ wasn’t seein’.
    12 Then my pal Decafapopulous told me about this new church he had been attending and that it was really changin’ his life an’ givin’ him answers that he felt like he had been lookin’ for.
    13 He said they be singin’ and prayin’ and just enjoyin’ everythin’ about life. So, I thought why not an’ joined up.
    14 It seemed like they be havin’ this wonderful love about them all the time. They was always happy an’ singin’ praises. I think that was one of the things I be likin’ the most, you know, the singin’.
    15 I be experiencin’ this openness an’ joy that I ain’t ever experienced up to that point. And they be sayin’, You wants to be experiencin’ even more love of God?
    16 Of course, I be sayin’ yes. So they be telling’ me to be acceptin’ Jesus as my personal savior and I did. It was somethin’ so new, an’ of course with new things you really don’t be seein’ what really is or isn’t different.
    17 There wasn’t no damn thing different when I be sayin’ Jesus was my savior, ‘aight? You know what really be makin’ me to be feelin’ different? My own attitude, my own efforts to see the joy in anything and everything.
    18 But what I didn’t be seein’ was the efforts of the church I joined to be attributin’ everything of all the joy I be feelin’ to the fact that I be in that particular church and practicin’ those particular beliefs.
    19 I believed that this was the truth. I really, really thought that my seemingly new found joy an’ feelin’ of love had everythin’ to do with my increasin’ capacity for love and joy.
    20 As time tick-tocked along I allowed my self to be believin’ things ‘bout faith and salvations that just could not be true no way an’ no how,
    21 And within’ a very short time indeed, I had foolishly committed myself to the errant religious ideology that I had direct access to God that other people either willfully neglected, or who simply lacked the access to in some way or other.
    22 But what I think be the most devastatin’ thing about the whole sit-gee-ation is that at one point  I allowed myself to begin believin’ that this ‘ticlar church was the only reason I was feelin’ so much joy and love and peace.
    23 I had quite wantonly given full credit for the increase of my own joy to the church, never once pausin’ to be thinkin’ that perhaps I had discovered my own joy for myself through a simple shift in my thinkin’ patterns.
    25 Lookin’ back I don’t really be understandin’ how I didn’t see certain bedbug crazy crackpot religious instructions much earlier than I did.

For more of The Tenement Gospel: https://sites.google.com/site/esterlighthorse/