The Twenty-Seventh Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible New Testament)

 The Tenement Gospel

 (the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible New Testament)

The Book of Revelatin’

(the twenty-seventh book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 What it is, my brotha? This here be me revelatin’ to you about the Tenement Gospel as so stated by God his own self, so that the muthas who be prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster might be doin’ something to be settin’ theyselfs free.
    2 Now, the folks who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ that they scriptures be the complete and indelible truth, but this be a bunch of horse shit.
    3 The reason for this be simple, ‘aight? They main problem be that they faith be based on a load of frightening prophecies that be making no damn sense no how. Now that be what we gonna be talkin’ about here, you dig?
    4 But before I gets into tellin’ ya’ll what ya’ll should be lookin’ out for an’ shit, I wanna be greeting you and thankin’ you for being here and readin’ this, ‘aight?
    5 So, with all the love in the universe that be making up what God be, I bless you and hope that all thangs be goin’ well for you and all of yours, you dig? Know in your heart that wherever you are, so God is there also regardless of whether or not you want him to be.
    6 I have been charged by God and all that be making up what God be to write this book so that ya’ll know the truth about what to be expectin’ from the nut cases who be spoutin’ off about the Gospel of Disaster.
    7 Now, these things be coming to me through a dream, granted a really whacked out dream that in all fairness could have been a direct result of the mow I smoked. I am writin’ these things exactly as I herd ‘em or saw ‘em in my dream, ‘aight?
    8 In my dream I be standin’ on the most beautiful, white sand beach that be havin’ the most gorgeous blue water. And stuck in the white sand be these really cool lookin’ tiki torches.
    9 And standin’ near these tiki torches was this servant guy who be bringin’ anything I be askin’ for. So, I gots a really cool drink in a pineapple. Now the guy standin’ near the torches be havin’ Rasta braids and be smokin’ really great mow.
    10 And dude says to me, Ya’ll be writin’ this down, foh-shizzle, so people be payin’ attention to what they should be doin’. And if people be sayin’ to youz that they don’t be havin’ the info that they be needin’ you tell them they full of shit,
    11 For everything that people be needin’ to be knowing in order to be livin’ happy and healthy and abundant lives be all around them if only they be openin’ they eyes and they minds and they hearts and they spirits. This be the truth, my dizzle.
    12 And tell this to people so that they be knowing that there ain’t no alpha and no omega, for everything be now and all at once, you dig? That be what Jesus be tryin’ to tell people about what the ‘I Am’ be meanin’. It be meanin’ oneness with the ‘now’, you dig?
    13 Now folks needin’ to be knowin’ that there ain’t no big damn tribulation that all that be makin’ up God in this universe be making people to be going through. Don’t ya’ll know you be making all your own tribulations?
    14 God ain’t tryin’ to put people through more of that shit! Hell no! God be trying to help ya’ll get yo asses out of the bad things you done gone and did to ya’lls selfs.
    15 So youz go and be writing down everything that I be telling’ you so that hopefully somebody be payin’ attentions an’ start gettin’ shit right, you dig?
    16 So, I done told the guy with the Rasta braids who be smokin’ a doobie that I be doin’ exactly like he be tellin’ me an’ writin’ everything down.

Chapter 2

    1 And a voice said to look and I looked, and I saw nine golden pot bongs standing in a thick haze of smoke from the most holy mow. Then did the voice say, It is four and twenty.
    2 Then was a righteous doobie passed unto me and I did smoke of the most holiest of mows. Then a voice said, You must be hungry.
    3 I turned toward the sound of the voice and, behold! I saw a man clothed in the garment of an ice cream man, girded about the chest with cinnamon buns, his hair was the blinding salmon pink of cotton candy,
    4 His head was a nacho tortilla chip and his eyes were watermelon flavored ring-pops; his arms were fruit roll-ups and his fingers were golden corndogs; his thighs were carne asada burritos and his calves were churros;
    5 His ankles were hickory smoked turkey drumsticks and his feet were buttermilk biscuits with sweet potato toes.
    6 As I began to eat the ankles and the toes of the man before me he spoke, saying, Know that the things I am about to tell you are the things that those of the Gospel of Disaster say are about to take place, but never will,
    7 Or they are things that those of the Gospel of Disaster normally be spoutin’ off about for one reason or other.
    8 And I be fallin’ at the feet of this fella an I told him that I was not into lisnin’ to some puffed up scriptural mumbo-jumbo that said I was going to be burning in somebody’s hell. And he said to me,
    9 No, Bozo! I am not gonna preach that crap to you. I am telling you what to look out for from the people who do preach that crapola for shits and giggles and for the purpose of scarin’ the beejesus out of everybody on the planet who don’t be believin’ like they do.
    10 Now, listen up! The folk who be teachin’ the Gospel of Disaster shall be claimin’ all kinds of signs and symbols and messages in damn near anything that be happnin’ or not happnin’, you dig?
    11 Now some of the messengers of the Gospel of Disaster claim to know that the works and labors of those of the Tenement Gospel are evil and that the preachers of the Tenement Gospel are false apostles.
    12 The reason why those of the Gospel of Disaster claim the teachings of the Tenement Gospel to be false is because such a message preached is not one they wish to hear about,
    13 For the purveyors of the Gospel of Disaster do not wish to hear that they have completely departed from the message of love of the universe, and in doing so they have also left God,
    14 And instead of treating their fellow men with acceptance they point to them and say, Look! They are doing this wrong! Look! They are doing that wrong!
    15 He who has half a mind to hear don’t listen to those of the Gospel of Disaster, for such say nothing worth hearing when they preach about the things they hate and the people they hate and the practices they hate.
    16 It is true, however, that those of the Gospel of Disaster who overcome the urge to hate and detest and abuse others shall in turn overcome the fruits of the Tree of Disaster, therefore reverting back to the love that comprises what God is.
    17 And some of the messengers of the Gospel of Disaster say that to suffer tribulation and poverty and grueling life demands is in reality to live with richness and wealth in life,
    18 Yet, these very same messengers become very rich and live comfortable lives with the very same money they beg for and take from those who really are poor and suffering in the depths of poverty;
    19 Such messengers slander the faith and the love that they supposedly preach, and in doing so neglect all that is God.
    20 And they tell their flocks to not fear or worry about their seemingly endless well of suffering in the now, for those suffering are told they will be rewarded most richly in a distant, later life,
    21 For the Gospel of Disaster states that its followers must be faithful in everything, even unto death. In return the faithful are promised crowns of life, but a faith that preaches death in the now and life in the later is doomed to disarray.

Chapter 3

    1 And some messengers of the Gospel of Disaster say that all other faiths are like double-edged swords and cut the hearts of those who hold alternate faiths or no faith at all, and cut the ears of all who hear messages of different faiths,
    2 For the Gospel of Disaster claims that all other faiths are stumbling blocks and not intended to bring people to God, but rather to take people away from God. Such messengers say,
    3 Lo! Faiths of a different origin are from Satan and therefore do not qualify as a valid belief.
    4 The messengers of the Gospel of Disaster say that all other faiths and members of such faiths must immediately repent of their wicked faiths and their wicked ways lest they be cut-off from the truth of the Gospel of Disaster,
    5 For those who believe differently than peddlers of the Gospel of Disaster will find that a holy war has been declared upon them under the guise of preaching a peaceful gospel,
    6 And it is in such a cause that those of the Gospel of Disaster say that their faith is the one, true faith that is above all others, saying,
    7 To the man who has ears to hear, let him plug them up so he will not have to listen to the sin of all other faiths,
    8 For the God of the Gospel of Disaster promises that those who listen only to him shall be given special stones that no one else shall receive or even know about.
    9 And there are those messengers who claim that God hates the tolerance of any faith other than theirs, calling all other faiths sinful and evil and filled with idol worship.     10 The same messengers even accuse believers of other faiths of being wicked fornicators and of purposely sacrificing the truth, therefore giving just cause to treat other religions as adulterous in nature,
    11 For according to the Gospel of Disaster members of different faiths or no faith at all shall be thrown into the fires of a great tribulation,
    12 But I say to you to never fear these things for they shall never be. Those of the message of disaster shall claim to have authority over all other nations and religions, but this is one of the biggest bullshit lies in the history of religion.
    13 If a man has the ears to hear then he shall do himself a favor and never lend an ear to the Gospel of Disaster, for such a gospel that is steeped in fear can never bring about anything nurturing or beneficial.
    14 And much like a neglectful parent toward an unwanted child the Gospel of Disaster labels all other beliefs as dead in faith, ignoring them as though they were bastard children.
    15 Messengers of the disastrous faith say that no man is saved by works, but then these same muthas turn around and point to other faiths, saying,
    16 Look what they are saying, look what they are doing, look at what they are believing, and look at what they do not do. We are better than they are for the works we live by are loved by the one, true God.
    17 The messengers of disaster become a source of great disdain amongst many nations, and they claim such disdain as a sign of their longsuffering, but in reality it is everyone else who suffers at the hands of those that are caked with the muddiness hate.
    18 It is God that blesses anyone who has the endurance and tenacity and the patience to ignore and put up with the crap of the Gospel of Disaster.

Chapter 4

    1 The scriptures of the Gospel of Disaster cannot be truth since they were penned by a bunch of picky bastards who only chose to write about what they liked, what they wanted to hear, and about those things they could use to control people with.
    2 Such people are blind so long as they hold onto the Gospel of Disaster, for so long as they fail to see the many paths that lead to God, they shall not have eyes that recognize anything of great or lasting value.
    3 When venomous men such as these come to your door and ask for the ears of your heart, do not let them in for they will only devour you and the objectiveness of your spirit.
    4 After I was shown all of these things I was given another mega doobie of the most holy of mows and told, Smoke up, for you will now be shown those things the proponents of the Gospel of Disaster shall say and do during what they think is the end.
    5 Then I was made non-corporeal and taken before a very large throne made of skeletons that had been dipped in gold, and upon the golden skeletons were green emeralds with many small rainbows seeping out from them.
    6 And around this large throne of golden skeletons were many, many smaller thrones identical in appearance, and upon the miniature thrones were many different manifestations of those who preach the Gospel of Disaster,
    7 And behold! A voice said unto me, Look at these who sit here one these thrones made of skeletons dipped in gold. They have convinced themselves that they are above all because they have built a throne similar to the one they claim to be God’s throne,
    8 But the very throne they claim to be God’s throne is the same throne they created in secret and labeled in secret to be God’s own. Though they claim to have discovered this throne it is not so, for they worship their own creation.
    9 One cannot discover what one has created. That is some stupid shit.
    10 Standing in the midst of all the thrones is a great beast with many sharp teeth, hateful red eyes, razor sharp talons of the hardest metal, a tongue of fire, the belly of a dragon, the feathers of a chicken, and the whiskers of a catfish.
    11 And the beast had many eyes and many mouths from which came many negative words and phrases, and those sitting on the thrones looked upon the beast with awe, bowed to it and prayed to it. Then a voice said to me,
    12 See these people on the thrones worshiping this beast? These are the proponents of the Gospel of Disaster. Do you know what the beast they worship is? It is the fear that they rely on in order that they control people with their blind rhetoric.
    13 And behold, a dead horse, and the men standing astride of it were beating it in order to get it to comply with their wishes, but it would not respond for it was dead. Crowns with the word ‘Dunce’ were given unto the men who beat the horse,
    14 For they were trying to sell the dead horse in an effort to pass it off as something valuable. Unto the people who passed them by they said, Come, buy this horse and it shall till your gardens and take you anywhere you wish to go.
    15 And when some people passing by asked why the men were trying to sell a dead horse the men said, It is not dead, only resting. For the men who buy this horse and manage to wake it, it shall be an asset unto them.
    16 It came to be that some of those passing by the men with the dead horse paid them no mind at all while others simply wanted to stare at the carcass and yet others wanted to buy it.
    17 And behold, I saw a green horse, and the man who sat on him wore golden armor and held a great sack of money. The horse had a bridle and a saddle made of pure silver. And this man had the ability to speak sweet words to people in order that they give him their money,
    18 For he promised them that if they gave him money he would lead them to the eternal way and to a special seat in heaven next to Jesus.
    19 Then I turned, and behold, I saw a blue horse, and the man who sat on him was crying and his expression was one of great sorrow. And to this man was given the burden of a heavy heart,
    20 For he allowed the destructive promises of his supposed faith to divide him from his family and from his friends and from society.
    21 And I looked again, and behold, I saw a yellow horse, and the man who sat on him was trembling with great fear. And this man was consumed by the non-sensical rumors of what might happen to him when he would die,
    22 For this man chose his faith according to the terrible tribulations that that particular faith promised to save him from if he would only believe.
    23 Then there came a great noise like an air horn at a football game, and I saw all of the lives of people who chose to wage war in the name of God and of faith, and they cried out, What is this that we have done to each other?
    24 For we say we know the mind and the love of God and then we murder each other, burn one another’s cities and towns, lay waste to lands meant to sustain the life of people, and even commit heinous suicides thinking it makes us martyrs.
    25 And as these people are reborn many consign themselves to try to compensate for the atrocities they enacted in their previous lives.

Read more of The Tenement Gospel: https://sites.google.com/site/esterlighthorse/customization

The Twenty-Sixth Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible New Testament)

The Tenement Gospel
(the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible New Testament)

The Book of Judes

(the twenty-sixth book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Yo, dog! This be Judes, no longer a slave to The Man, I am the brotha to all those with brothas from another mutha! Released on bond and kept home by some ankle jewelry!
    2 Whut-up! May the love and piece of a sexy lady be upon you, foh-shizzle!
    3 Fallin’ back on my fifth grade edumacation, I be writin’ you ‘bout the salvation for us all. I had tuh be writin’ you’z so I be sure you be preachin’ the most ho-leh Tenement Gospel.
    4 Now it be the truth that some half-ass pimp daddies be sneakin’ in and tryin’ tuh change the Tenement Gospel, trying to hide the richness from the po’ folk.
    5 Neh’ mind that shit, ‘cause ya’ll know I be tellin’ that gumbo straight up, ‘aight? Don’ be messin’ with no bullshit some punk be tellin’ you that Tenement Gospel ain’t true.
    6 And those pimp punks that be tryin’ to tell you what to be doin’ even though they be fuckin’ they own shit up and shittin’ where they be eatin,’ well they got another thing coming their way, baby.
    7 So don’t you be all worryin’ an shit, ‘aight?
    8 Ya’ll be leavin’ them doomsday an’ hellfire damnation crackpots alone, you get me, dog? You cain’t be tellin’ them truth if they ain’t lisnin’. You know why?
    9 Cause these mother fuckers be crazy, dog! If you be standin’ on dry land and breathin’ air these dudes be jumpin’ in the ocean and try breathin’ under water just to spite you.
    10 Shee-it. Ya’ll don’t be needin’ no jive turkeys like that, fuck no!
    11 Now these dudes be sayin’ that God nuked Sodom and Gomorrah just ‘cause they like sex and they be homos and lesbos.
    12 But this ain’t the truth, brotha! God ain’t like that, no way an’ hell no!
    13 See, the Tenement Gospel be sayin’ that love be patient, kind, forgiving, non-judgmental, an’ it be goin’ on forever.
    14 The Tenement Gospel also be sayin’ that God himself is love, see.
    15 If y’all take the time to connect the dots you be seein’ that if God be love, foh-shizzle he is, there ain’t no way he be sendin’ people to hell. Wanna know why, dog?
    16 He cain’t send them to hell ‘cause he be love, ‘aight? An’ if he be love then he also be forgiving. An’ if he be love then he also go on forever. And if he goes on forever and be forgiving at the same time,
    17 Then he forgive everybody for all the stupid shit they done do…forever. An’ it don’t matter if they ask forgiveness or not, and it doesn’t matter whether or not they be believin’ on God or not,
    18 For if love is non-judgmental, then God is also not gonna be pickin’ who he feel like forgivin’ and not forgivin’.
    19 And the same mo’ fos that be sayin’ this shit also be sayin’ that sex an’ pleasure be bad, that partyin’ be bad, that money be bad, and that position and influences be bad.
    20 But these dudes don’t be knowin’ any better ‘cause they be wrapped up in thinkin’ they better ‘cause of what they be believin’ in.
    21 And these mutha fuckas be arguin’ against whatever they don’t know, and whatever they don’t be understandin’, and whatever they be feelin’ is against them an’ opposite of what they be thinkin’ is truth.
    22 And the hearts of these assholes be corrupted by their thinkin’ that there be only one answer to everything, that there be only one truth and only one straight line to that truth.
    23 Well, I feel sorry for these mutha fuckas because they be goin’ the way of Cain when he killed his brotha and then left his homeland without makin’ things right.
    24 These beanbag for brains jack-offs be just like the muthas that plotted against Korah an’ his gang and called on the power of the God they understood to destroy Korah and his gang,
    25 Just because Korah an’ his company be belivin’ in Balaam.
    26 And these muthas try to mask their desire to subjugate those who believe differently and live differently, but they cain’t be hidin’ the dark whispers of superiority in their hearts.
    27 For they live in constant fear of a day that may or may not come ‘cording to whatever religious text they be translatin’.
    28 And these muthas say, Come, throw down with us so you be escapin’ judgment from a terribly angry God who is really a lovin’ God.
    29 Come with us an’ love like we do, talk like we do, walk like we do, think like we do, eat what we eat, see what we see, and spread our Gospel of Disaster by livin’ in fear just as we do.
    30 But these muthas don’t be seein’ that by bein’ this way they wander the eternity of their lives in gloomy darkness.
    31 And even Enoch, a descendant of Adam, prophesied about muthas like these fuckas and said,
    32 Behold, there shall be those who be sayin’ they be the only ones of the Lord, and who shall proclaim they be the only saints of God,
    33 And they shall be expert guilders of the languages of all men, master manipulators who shall cause men to forget that we are all God, and in God, and of God, and for God, and possessing of the powers of God,
    34 And these men shall be settin’ muthas against one another by complanin’, murmuring, and sayin’ ridiculous shit that only serves to make people angry with one another;
    35 But you be remainin’ strong and remember the words of the Tenement Gospel that be commandin’ you to live your life to love, and love your life to live,
    36 Bein’ mindful of the wonderful joy of many paths and the beauty of many faiths and truths. Such be the words of Enoch.
    37 Don’t be forgettin’ that those mutha fuckas who make purposeful separations between the nations of the earth and of the universe have fuckin’ ugly spirits and little black hearts that find joy in the supposed greater spiritual value and choices of some men over others.
    38 But you, homey, know this and be keepin’ it in your heart: There is common ground and joy in everything, and that, in and of itself, is absolutely holy.
    39 For when you be seein’ many different faiths, you should also be seein’ that the common ground ‘tween them all is the fact that they all be faith.
    40 And when you be hearin’ the prayin’ and chantin’ and invocations and spells and spiritual commands of many faiths, you should also be hearin’ that they all be prayer.
    41 And when you be witnessin’ love ‘tween two people whether it be two men, two women, or a man and a woman, you should also be understandin’ in your heart an’ mindful in your spirit that you are witnessin’ love, and love be one of the few absolutes in this universe.
    42 Now it be hard for some mutha fuckas to understand the grace of the Tenement Gospel, so you be havin’ some mercy on them. ‘Course, that don’t be meanin’ you have to take they shit if they decide to try to give it to you.
    43 If you can, save them mo’ fos from the bullshit they be tryin’ to peddle to the rest of the world. Save them from gettin’ burned by the fire of the crap they be creating.
    44 Just you be rememberin’, homey, they be those who you cain’t be savin’ until they hit the ground first. Some muthas just don’t be learnin’ until something’ bad be sneakin’ up on they ass.
    45 So, you be keepin’ the words of God in the Tenement Gospel very near and dear to your heart, know what I’m sayin’, for to honor that which is God is to honor yourself, and to honor yourself is to honor your fellow man.
    46 To God be all the glory forever an’ ever, foh-shizzle! Amen.

For more of what is discussed in The Tenement Gospel: https://sites.google.com/site/esterlighthorse/customization

The Twenty-Second Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible New Testament)

The Tenement Gospel

(the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible New Testament)

The Book of II Pete
(the twenty-second book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Pete Simon, a slave and pushover to those preachin’ disaster, a bipolar mutha who be thinkin’ that apostate and apostle be meanin’ the shame shit,
    2 Escapee of the Righteousness Asylum for the Spiritually Insane, and half brother to the self-proclaimed Lamb of God David Koresh,
    3 This be the letter that be written by me, Pete Simon’s brotha, Simon Pete.
    4 May all the blessin’ that be comin’ from the expansive God of the Tenement Gospel be with all ya’ll. And before I be forgettin’, I wanna be apologizin’ to the people my idiot brotha Pete Simon been harassin’ with his crazy version of God and salvation.
    5 Please try to be understandin’ that Pete Simon be zealously insane and really don’t be knowin’ any better, you dig? So, if he be tryin’ to start botherin’ youz again simply ignore his judgmental and remedial ass.
    6 Movin’ on, I am goin’ to be telling’ ya’ll about the power that be in us all, you dig? See, God and all that is God and for God and to God and in God be very powerful.
    7 And if you be takin’ the knowledge of what this power be you will be havin’ the reigns of yo life firmly in ya’lls hand, for good.
    8 Now the Gospel of Disaster be makin’ grand promises to people, sayin’ that if people be believin’ the Gospel of Disaster they can be avoidin’ corruption and severe judgment from God.
    9 This be why I be tellin’ ya’ll that it be important that ya’ll don’t be misled by a delusional doctrine of disaster that people be tryin’ to pass off as truth and salvation.
    10 For the faith of the Gospel of Disaster be tryin’ to convince anyone who be willin’ to hear that theys should be ignorin’ that which be holy and already existin’ within them.
    11 And this same Gospel of Disaster be promisin’ many riches and pleasures in eternity right along side of Jesus if youz only cast all ya’lls other beliefs out the friggin’ window and start followin’ they brand of spiritual suicide.
    12 Now those who be believin’ in the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ that theys always gots to be remindin’ theyselfs of their gospel, they salvation, and they sufferin’.
    13 But they who be followin’ the Tenement Gospel don’t ever be needed to be reminded ‘cause once the Tenement Gospel be revealed to a brotha they ain’t be no goin’ back.
    14 And while the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ that the Tenement Gospel be nothin’ more than a myth that be placin’ false powers an’ salvations in people, that don’t be makin’ it true.
    15 The Gospel of Disaster be claimin’ that they be given prophecies and that those prophecies be sayin’ that they brand of condemnin’ faith be the correct and only truth.
    16 That the sit-gee-ations that be happnin’ in the world around them may be fittin’ they prophecies, they be takin’ these sit-gee-ations and stretchin’ the fuck outta’ them ‘till they be fittin’ they prophecies and not one shred of truth be remainin’.
    17 And the prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster drown in they own fear as they be tryin’ to prepare for some big ass cataclysm that they be hopin’ to avoid by believing’ the way that they be doin’.
    18 They be ignorin’ the fact that they prophecies be comin’ from the devious minds of men who be claimin’ that they be gettin’ the info from God or be gettin’ the info from religious texts.
    19 But ya’ll be knowin’ that the excellence of God that be in this universe and in every person don’t be goin’ around’ makin’ crazy, hopeless, pointless, despondent prophecies.
    20 That be the truth, my brotha. Foh-shizzle.

The Twenty-First Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible New Testament)

 The Tenement Gospel

 (the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible New Testament)

The Book of I Pete
(the twenty-first book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Yo, dog! I be Pete, a studier an’ teacher of the Tenement Gospel, and I be here talkin’ about and layin’ some groundwork of the Tenement Gospel.
    2 Now let there be many a blessin’ on the vastness of God and truth, and all understandin’ to be searchin’ salvations.
    3 For it be through the Tenement Gospel that we be learnin’ that we all be livin’ eternally, each life we be livin’ drawin’ us closer and deeper into the joy of the Tenement Gospel and the love it be teachin’ us is all around us and in us.
    4 And once you be opening’ your heart and mind and inheritin’ the truth of all that is God there ain’t no goin’ back.
    5 Be rememberin’ the real truth of God and all that be makin’ up God, but don’t be holdin’ such truth only to yourselfs, but be showin’ it to everyone for we all be in salvations anyways.
    6 And though the trial that be caused by those wallowin’ in the Gospel of Disaster can be some fucked-up shit at times, don’t let this be makin’ you have a sorrowful heart.
    7 For those muthas of the Gospel of Disaster don’t be realizing’ that faith don’t be needed to be proven any more than a person be needin’ to be provin’ that they be breathin’ air.
    8 The muthas who be behavin’ like this cain’t see the love and the joy that be natural within’ theyselfs. Because of this they don’t be understandin’ that they be puttin’ theyselfs into voluntary spiritual exile.
    9 It be by the twisted, obtusely critical virtues of the Gospel of Disaster that some brothas be findin’ answers to they questions of God unanswered an’ criticized.
    10 When you be considerin’ the gifts of salvations ya’ll just better be keeping’ in mind that there are prophets who be yakin’ that salvation only be for set groups of muthas and brothas.
    11 They will be crazily adamant that if you be worshippin’ with them, well then that be makin’ you able to get yourselfs some salvation.
    12 But these same mutha fuckas be tryin’ to keep salvation away from brothas who don’t follow a fellowship of their likin’, who don’t be yakin’ the Gospel of Disaster, and even those who don’t be worshippin’ God in the first place.
    13 But the best thing ya’ll can be doin’ is to open the hope that be in your heart with the Tenement Gospel.
    14 As people who be havin’ workin’ brains ya’ll don’t be dragged down by the lunacy of the Gospel of Disaster.
    15 But ya’ll be livin’ accordin’ to the endless truths an’ endless love that naturally be in you and of you and for you.
    16 And this be the truth, foh-shizzle, that you be holy, my brotha. Just like I be holy. We all be holy, my brotha, because God be in all of us and God be bein’ the ultimate holy, ‘aight?
    17 And no matter where you be goin’ or what you be doin’ ya’ll best be rememberin’ that you never be travelin’ alone.
    18 For if you be rememberin’ that God be in you then you shall never be travelin’ in fear, and you shall never be workin’ alone, an’ if you be havin’ any sorrow it shall be turned into joy, for the love that be God be in you and for you and of you.
    19 Ya’ll need to be knowin’ that by openin’ your heart and your mind that you be redeemed by the love of God that be in you.
    20 And youz should never be forgettin’ that ya’lls cain’t be redeemed by any one faith, or any one interpretation of God, or by insidious words of the Gospel of Disaster.
    21 And no matter how much those who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster may be claimin’ they don’t be knowin’ the foundations of this world, and they sure as fuck don’t be knowin’ what be happnin’ in the future,
    22 What I can be telling’ ya’lls is the future sho’ ain’t gonna be some big-assed, fangdangled judgment where God be throwin’ masses of people into a lake that be made up of fire all ‘cause they don’t be believin’ in the Gospel of Disaster.
    23 The Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ that it be incorruptible, but this ain’t the case, homey, ‘cause this terrible gospel be used by all kinds of people to separate, divide, and destroy.
    24 And for those that be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster, well homey, they ass be grass ‘cause they ain’t ever goin’ be seein’ the glory of everthin’ around them ‘cause they asses of grass be withered an’ shit.
    25 But, in the end it really don’t be matterin’ what the hell ding-dongs who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster have to say about anythin’, ‘cause the words of God and all this is God be goin’ on forever, ‘aight?

Chapter 2

    1 Now ya’ll who be bitchin’ and moanin’ about the different faiths in God that people be havin’ need to be droppin’ that shit. The religious card is well beyond overplayed, ya’ll. I grow weary of hearin’ dat shit.
    2 Ya’ll be bickerin’ about how to be believin’ in God like you was a couple of friggin’ babies arguin’ over a bottle of milk.
    3 Part of the problem be that some of ya’ll crazy muthas out there be gettin’ to love the taste of God in the grips of religious superiority.
    4 You say you be havin’ a livin’ stone and be God’s chosen an’ held high in his honor.
    5 But ya’ll don’t be seein’ that you be the ones who be like stones, stones in ya’lls heads. Ya’ll be regularly behavin’ like youz be dumber than a box of rocks.
    6 What be makin’ things worse be the fact that when a whole bunch of ya’ll rock heads be gettin’ together you be thinkin’ you be buildin’ spiritual houses, churches, priesthood, an’ religious sacrifices that be pleasin’ to God.
    7 But you stupid muthas don’t be seein’ that God don’t be wantin’ any of these damn things.
    8 And those people who be wise be understandin’ that if a stone be a stumblin’ block to the builders, then the builders be throwin’ out the offendin’ stones.
    9 There be those muthas of the Gospel of Disaster who be sayin’ they be a chosen race, royal priests designated by God, a people in possession of a holy nation that be possessin’ the only light in a universe of darkness.
    10 Well, I be telling’ you what. These muthas be soundin’ exactly like the friggin’ Nazis and they dumb ass spin on God makin’ them a master race, an’ shit.
    11 Now I be beggin’ everybody, ‘aight, that ya’ll stop youz stupid fightin’ over whose version of God an’ religion be the right one.
    12 If ya’ll could get to the point of stoppin’ youz stupid fightin’ over God ya’ll would be havin’ a most excellent manner of life.
    13 But ya’ll be speakin’ against each other, callin’ each others’ worshippin’ practices evil an’ crappin’ on each others’ good works, sayin’ God won’t be givin’ no damn care about them in his day of visitation.
    14 But I say all you muthas be on crack, you dig? ‘Cause God don’t need to be doin’ no visitin’ of a place where he already be, am I catchin’ you on the five-by, homey?
    15 And ya’ll need to be workin’ harder at doin’ more good works and improvin’ your societies and gub’ments, for to be improvin’ yo self and all the things that be around you, well homey, then you be doin’ the will of God.
    16 Ya’ll don’t be understandin’ that youz don’t need to be makin’ all ya’lls self prisoners and slaves of ya’lls faith. There ain’t no truth in that shit, neither be there any love or peace or hope in it.
    17 Ya’ll need to be honorin’ each other and also honorin’ the different beliefs ya’ll be havin’. Ya’ll need to be showin’ each other love an’ respect.
    18 Ya’ll don’t be needin’ to be treatin’ each other shabbily just ‘cause you not be likin’ different truths and interpretations of God. Stop treatin’ each other badly just ‘cause you be fearin’ different interpretations of reality.
    19 An’ if you be workin’ for someone who be treatin’ you bad an’ shit, or they be askin’ you to be doin’ shit that you know be wrong, then don’t be subjectin’ youzselfs to dat shit. Don’t be standin’ for dat crapola.
    20 For part of what grace be is the courage to be standin’ up for what be right even if you be scared of what some psycho muthas out there in the world might be doin’ when you be telling’ them to take they job and shove it.
    21 And ya’ll be rememberin’ that youz don’t need to be puttin’ youzselfs in positions where you be sufferin’ for one reason or ‘nother.
    22 An’ it don’t be matterin’ what the fuck the hobos of the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ when they say dat sufferin’ be good an’ be buildin’ endurance to find God and the grace of God,
    23 ‘Cause talk like this don’t be makin’ no sense no how, you dig?
    24 An’ a gospel that be teachin’ sufferin’ as part of they core dogma be havin’ some serious problems anyway. I still don’t be understandin’ why people be believing’ in crazy shit like dat.
    25 Now some folk be sayin’ that just ‘cause Jesus be sufferin’ when he be here that people should also be sufferin’ when they here, but that crazy gumbo don’t be makin’ the proper connections now, do it?
    26 That shit make just about as much sense as cookin’ the microwave in the burrito instead of the other way around, ‘aight? The only reason Jesus be sufferin’ when he be here was because people around him be doin’ it to him.
    27 Ya’ll seriously think that Jesus wanted that shit to happin’ to him, or that God made Jesus be goin’ through all dat on purpose? And these muthas be sayin’ they God be a lovin’ God,
    28 Shee-it! He be soundin’ like one of those fuckas who fall in the category of, With friends like these, who be needin’ enemies?
    29 All those who be following’ the Gospel of Disaster be like sheep bein’ led astray.

For the full version of The Tenement Gospel: https://sites.google.com/site/esterlighthorse/

God IS a Healer!!

Little Known Syndromes and Maladies
By: God the Healer
    I would like to discuss a considerable number of syndromes and maladies that for some reason or other modern medicine ignores. It is in my opinion that the continued existence of man within the eternal loop of time hinges precariously on whether or not these health issues are recognized, treated, controlled, and possibly eradicated altogether. Without further ado I will recount what I discovered more than a time and a half ago. I am hopeful that you will take the initiative to address these serious, often lethal illnesses. First I will list various syndromes and then I will list other diseases.

     SYNDROMES
    1. Stupid Syndrome (SS)
    While many members of society claim above average intelligence many of these same individuals suffer from SS. Examples of individuals with SS include panhandlers, hookers, and teenagers who wear those god-awful baggy pants.
    2. Stupid Asshole Syndrome (SAS)
    Examples of individuals with SAS include cheaters, litterbugs, and fast-food drive-thru workers who can’t get orders right to save their lives.
    3. Severe Stupid Asshole Syndrome (SSAS)
    This is Kevin Federline all the way.
    4. Stupid Bitch Syndrome (SBS)
    You ever see people one the freeway weaving in the fast lane at mach ten while putting on make-up and talking on the phone? This is what these people suffer from.
    5. Severe Stupid Bitch Syndrome (SSBS)
    Have you ever seen the television show called The Simple Life? This is what those two girls on the show, the main characters, suffer from.
    6. Stupid F**ker Syndrome (SFS)
    Do you recall the scandal surrounding R. Kelly? This is what he suffers from.
    7. Severe Stupid F**ker Syndrome (SSFS)
    Do you recall a certain elected official who cheated twice on presidential elections and won? This is his cross to bear.
    8. Severe Irreversible Stupid F**ker Syndrome (SISFS)
    It is widely known that leaders of religious cults suffer from this.
    9. Stupid Mother F**ker Syndrome (SMFS)
    According to most ex-wives this is largely suffered by ex-husbands.
    10. Severe Irreversible Stupid Mother F**ker Syndrome (SISMFS)
    This syndrome applies to all athletes who try to gain an edge by using steroids.
    11. Irritable Personality Syndrome (IPS)
    This is Hillary Clinton all the way. The very sound of her voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me.
    12. Irreversible Severe Irritable Personality Syndrome (ISIPS)
    That moron comic Carrot Top suffers from this syndrome like no one else.
    13. Little Man Syndrome (LMS)
    If upon first meeting a man he informs you of his forty foot yacht, his three homes in Beverly Hills, his gun collection, his genuine Samurai Warrior outfit, and his four-wheel drive pickup truck you can bet he has a penis the size of one of those mini hotdogs that come in a can.
    14. Wanna Be Gang Banger Syndrome (WBGBS)
    Symptoms of this syndrome include zero motivation or desire for personal improvement, baggy pants that are fifteen sizes too big, communicating in Ebonics or Traileronic (white trash) dialects, bragging about handgun knowledge and possession, illegal use and distribution of any type of drug, insatiable laziness, and repeatedly threatening others with ‘ass beating’ or ‘ass kicking’.
    15. Woe Is Me Syndrome (WIMS)
    This is suffered by ninety-eight percent of the criminals and prisoners within the United States Justice System. Symptoms include blaming committed crimes on derelict fathers and drug usage on non-nurturing mothers during childhood.
    16. Lazy Ass Syndrome (LAS)
    This is suffered by all citizens who intend to leech off of public assistance programs for life.
    17. Can’t Drive For Shit Syndrome (CDFSS)
    It sounds bad, yet it is true that ninety-nine percent of bad drivers are in fact Asian.
    18. Spoiled Brat Syndrome (SBrS)
    You know who I’m talking about, right? Those little kids who throw themselves down in the store and pitch a fit because mommy won’t buy them candy. Somebody needs a spanking.

    OTHER ILLNESSES AND DISEASES
    1. Physio-halitosis
    A condition where the entire individual and everything they own smells like shit or something worse.
    2. Prefrontal Cortex Infarction
    A condition where the individual’s common sense ceases to exist.
    3. Cerebral Cyanosis
    A condition where the individual could not think themselves out of a paper bag if their life depended on it.
    4. Hemorrhagic Theatre
    Suffered by movie goers who go into shock after spending a mortgage on two movie tickets, two popcorn buckets, one large coke, a box of gummy candies, and a glow-in-the-dark condom from the public restroom.
    5. Mental Bifida
    These individuals should never be in charge of or have access to sharp objects or weapons of any sort. They should also never have a job that is much more complicated than a janitor’s position.
    6. Emotional Compassionate Sarcoma
    Those individuals suffering from this could give two shits and a rat’s ass about anyone in the world other than themselves.
    7. Mental Colitis
    Suffered by all individuals who are consistently full of shit.
    8. Hostility Perosis
    Suffered by all aggressive and violent individuals who ought to be launched into outer space just to make the planet safe for the rest of humanity.
    9. Degenerative and Compulsive Lazitis
    Suffered by insanely lazy people who believe they should have the entire world at their beckon call without having to work or make any effort of any kind.
    10. Mental-athero Cranial Sclerosis
    Hardening of the head. Symptoms include poor decision making, zero common sense, frequent difficulty understanding real life.
    11. Mental-stupis Thelioma
    Permanent deterioration of the mental process. Symptoms include poor and non-sensical conversation peppered with lies and exaggerations.
    12. Stupor Mentalis Cashola
    Persistent poor management of money.
    13. Hali-me-mine-osis
    Chronic selfishness. Symptoms include decisions that reek of zero consideration of anyone but the self.
    14. Foul Olfactis Gluteassis
    Persistent and permanent physical smell of sour ass.
    15. Foul Olfactis Dentitia
    Persistent and permanent death breath.
    16. Feces Olfactis Horror
    Persistently horribly smelling bowel movements.
    17. Pudgekins Disease
    Permanent physical fatness.
    18. Sensical Cerebral Palsy
    A condition where common sense ceases to exist in an individual.
    19. My-Carditis Negro Cardiostalsis
    A condition where the individual suffers from a black heart.
    20. Stuporsis Mega-Mentaldonia
    A condition where the individual never experiences a single conscious thought.
    21. Megalo Egomania
    A condition where the individual’s ego is exponentially larger than their actual importance.
    22. Stupor Mentalsis Minor
    Stupid people suffer from this.
    23. Stupor Mentalsis Major
    Really stupid people suffer from this.
    24. Flatulo Olfactis Horror
    A condition where the individual’s passed gas could peel wall paper or drown out a skunk’s odiferous emanations.

For more information: https://sites.google.com/site/wiseonecartooncreations/