The Twenty-Sixth Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible New Testament)

The Tenement Gospel
(the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible New Testament)

The Book of Judes

(the twenty-sixth book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Yo, dog! This be Judes, no longer a slave to The Man, I am the brotha to all those with brothas from another mutha! Released on bond and kept home by some ankle jewelry!
    2 Whut-up! May the love and piece of a sexy lady be upon you, foh-shizzle!
    3 Fallin’ back on my fifth grade edumacation, I be writin’ you ‘bout the salvation for us all. I had tuh be writin’ you’z so I be sure you be preachin’ the most ho-leh Tenement Gospel.
    4 Now it be the truth that some half-ass pimp daddies be sneakin’ in and tryin’ tuh change the Tenement Gospel, trying to hide the richness from the po’ folk.
    5 Neh’ mind that shit, ‘cause ya’ll know I be tellin’ that gumbo straight up, ‘aight? Don’ be messin’ with no bullshit some punk be tellin’ you that Tenement Gospel ain’t true.
    6 And those pimp punks that be tryin’ to tell you what to be doin’ even though they be fuckin’ they own shit up and shittin’ where they be eatin,’ well they got another thing coming their way, baby.
    7 So don’t you be all worryin’ an shit, ‘aight?
    8 Ya’ll be leavin’ them doomsday an’ hellfire damnation crackpots alone, you get me, dog? You cain’t be tellin’ them truth if they ain’t lisnin’. You know why?
    9 Cause these mother fuckers be crazy, dog! If you be standin’ on dry land and breathin’ air these dudes be jumpin’ in the ocean and try breathin’ under water just to spite you.
    10 Shee-it. Ya’ll don’t be needin’ no jive turkeys like that, fuck no!
    11 Now these dudes be sayin’ that God nuked Sodom and Gomorrah just ‘cause they like sex and they be homos and lesbos.
    12 But this ain’t the truth, brotha! God ain’t like that, no way an’ hell no!
    13 See, the Tenement Gospel be sayin’ that love be patient, kind, forgiving, non-judgmental, an’ it be goin’ on forever.
    14 The Tenement Gospel also be sayin’ that God himself is love, see.
    15 If y’all take the time to connect the dots you be seein’ that if God be love, foh-shizzle he is, there ain’t no way he be sendin’ people to hell. Wanna know why, dog?
    16 He cain’t send them to hell ‘cause he be love, ‘aight? An’ if he be love then he also be forgiving. An’ if he be love then he also go on forever. And if he goes on forever and be forgiving at the same time,
    17 Then he forgive everybody for all the stupid shit they done do…forever. An’ it don’t matter if they ask forgiveness or not, and it doesn’t matter whether or not they be believin’ on God or not,
    18 For if love is non-judgmental, then God is also not gonna be pickin’ who he feel like forgivin’ and not forgivin’.
    19 And the same mo’ fos that be sayin’ this shit also be sayin’ that sex an’ pleasure be bad, that partyin’ be bad, that money be bad, and that position and influences be bad.
    20 But these dudes don’t be knowin’ any better ‘cause they be wrapped up in thinkin’ they better ‘cause of what they be believin’ in.
    21 And these mutha fuckas be arguin’ against whatever they don’t know, and whatever they don’t be understandin’, and whatever they be feelin’ is against them an’ opposite of what they be thinkin’ is truth.
    22 And the hearts of these assholes be corrupted by their thinkin’ that there be only one answer to everything, that there be only one truth and only one straight line to that truth.
    23 Well, I feel sorry for these mutha fuckas because they be goin’ the way of Cain when he killed his brotha and then left his homeland without makin’ things right.
    24 These beanbag for brains jack-offs be just like the muthas that plotted against Korah an’ his gang and called on the power of the God they understood to destroy Korah and his gang,
    25 Just because Korah an’ his company be belivin’ in Balaam.
    26 And these muthas try to mask their desire to subjugate those who believe differently and live differently, but they cain’t be hidin’ the dark whispers of superiority in their hearts.
    27 For they live in constant fear of a day that may or may not come ‘cording to whatever religious text they be translatin’.
    28 And these muthas say, Come, throw down with us so you be escapin’ judgment from a terribly angry God who is really a lovin’ God.
    29 Come with us an’ love like we do, talk like we do, walk like we do, think like we do, eat what we eat, see what we see, and spread our Gospel of Disaster by livin’ in fear just as we do.
    30 But these muthas don’t be seein’ that by bein’ this way they wander the eternity of their lives in gloomy darkness.
    31 And even Enoch, a descendant of Adam, prophesied about muthas like these fuckas and said,
    32 Behold, there shall be those who be sayin’ they be the only ones of the Lord, and who shall proclaim they be the only saints of God,
    33 And they shall be expert guilders of the languages of all men, master manipulators who shall cause men to forget that we are all God, and in God, and of God, and for God, and possessing of the powers of God,
    34 And these men shall be settin’ muthas against one another by complanin’, murmuring, and sayin’ ridiculous shit that only serves to make people angry with one another;
    35 But you be remainin’ strong and remember the words of the Tenement Gospel that be commandin’ you to live your life to love, and love your life to live,
    36 Bein’ mindful of the wonderful joy of many paths and the beauty of many faiths and truths. Such be the words of Enoch.
    37 Don’t be forgettin’ that those mutha fuckas who make purposeful separations between the nations of the earth and of the universe have fuckin’ ugly spirits and little black hearts that find joy in the supposed greater spiritual value and choices of some men over others.
    38 But you, homey, know this and be keepin’ it in your heart: There is common ground and joy in everything, and that, in and of itself, is absolutely holy.
    39 For when you be seein’ many different faiths, you should also be seein’ that the common ground ‘tween them all is the fact that they all be faith.
    40 And when you be hearin’ the prayin’ and chantin’ and invocations and spells and spiritual commands of many faiths, you should also be hearin’ that they all be prayer.
    41 And when you be witnessin’ love ‘tween two people whether it be two men, two women, or a man and a woman, you should also be understandin’ in your heart an’ mindful in your spirit that you are witnessin’ love, and love be one of the few absolutes in this universe.
    42 Now it be hard for some mutha fuckas to understand the grace of the Tenement Gospel, so you be havin’ some mercy on them. ‘Course, that don’t be meanin’ you have to take they shit if they decide to try to give it to you.
    43 If you can, save them mo’ fos from the bullshit they be tryin’ to peddle to the rest of the world. Save them from gettin’ burned by the fire of the crap they be creating.
    44 Just you be rememberin’, homey, they be those who you cain’t be savin’ until they hit the ground first. Some muthas just don’t be learnin’ until something’ bad be sneakin’ up on they ass.
    45 So, you be keepin’ the words of God in the Tenement Gospel very near and dear to your heart, know what I’m sayin’, for to honor that which is God is to honor yourself, and to honor yourself is to honor your fellow man.
    46 To God be all the glory forever an’ ever, foh-shizzle! Amen.

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The Twenty-Fourth Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible New Testament)

The Tenement Gospel

(the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible New Testament)

The Book of II J-Dog

(the twenty-fourth book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Foh-shizzle, my brothas, I be writin’ this letter for the elderly and the young, for the man and the woman, for the adult and the child, so that they be havin’ access to all the truth that be God.
    2 Ya’ll need to be knowin’ that this truth be inside you forever, ‘aight?
    3 From all the facets of truth and from all the facets of God, my brotha, may we all be blessed with grace and mercy and pieces of coconut cream pie ‘cause that shit be tastin’ mighty good.
    4 I be writin’ ya’ll this letter ‘cause I be gettin’ lots of former prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster huntin’ me down and askin’ me more ‘bout the Tenement Gospel an’ its truths.
    5 This be makin’ me pretty happy ‘cause it be meanin’ that there are muthas out there who be tryin’ to rectify they former stingy an’ non-sensical gospel.
    6 For those muthas who be peddlin’ the Gospel of Disaster be tryin’ to scare homeys into believin’ they screwy faith, and they be tellin’ them that all other faiths be from the antichrist.
    7 And it be that people hear the word antichrist and they be tremblin’ with fear, but they don’t be understandin’ that they be havin’ nothing’ to fear, and no damn antichrist to be worryin’ over.
    8 This antichrist dude be a fairytale created to be tryin’ to scare people into believin’ the Gospel of Disaster.
    9 But the antichrist only be in the ‘maginations of the stewards of the Gospel of Disaster, and every time they be seein’ or hearin’ someone that be against they beliefs they move like lightnin’ and be callin’ that person the antichrist.
    10 And tell me, my brothas, what good be a faith that be built on fear? What kind of truth be tryin’ to scare people into believing?
    11 If a faith be tryin’ to recruit through fear, then what they be practicin’ not be truth and sure as fuck not be faith. For true faith be independent of any pushin’ or pullin’ of the heart or mind or soul or spirit.
    12 Much like freewill cain’t be reconciled with predestination, faith cain’t be reconciled with fear.
    13 So, my homeys, look into yourselfs to be findin’ the truth of God, for this be resultin’ in the reward of a truly incredible and phenomenal life.

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The Fourteenth Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible)

 The Tenement Gospel

 (the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible)

The Book of II ‘Lonians
(the fourteenth book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Well, how do it be for ya’ll, my brothas? I hope everything be well wit choo all and that the love that be fillin’ this universe be blessin’ youz.
    2 This here be Pablo an’ Cisco again, and this time what we goin’ to be doin’ is discussin’ specific behaviors of religious groups and specific instruction from the same that be clear indicators of that faith bein’ a cult.
    3 Ya’ll be payin’ attentions to what we be discussin’ so ya’ll don’t be endin’ up like the millions of mindless sheep out there already, you dig?
    4 First we will be discussin’ what we likes to be referrin’ to as the Special Knowledge Factor. The Special Knowledge Factor is a trait done experienced by any religious group that be claimin’ to have special knowledge of  Christ’s Second Comin’ to this planet.
    5 This be includin’ specific predictions of dates when the supposed Second Coming will happen. It would be behoovin’ ya’ll to be lookin’ up these crazy claims on the Internet just to be givin’ youz a little perspective of how often this be happnin’.
    6 For the groups that do be makin’ such predictions they don’t just be doin’ so randomly. There be a purpose to such actions and it be to maintain as much control of peoples that be followin’ them by usin’ fear.
    7 If a faith or religious practice be worthy of ya’lls time you will be findin’ that it don’t be preachin’ no negative messages whatsoever, you dig? True faith never be preachin’ fear.
    8 Part of what be the problem with crazy religious groups done settin’ specific dates of the Second Coming is that it do be encouragin’ seriously off-beat and erratic behavior.
    9 Not to mention, when the predictions don’t be comin’ true people be lookin’ like the silly assholes they are. On occasion the predictions can be endin’ in deadly fashion with group members killin’ theyselfs in anticipation of the Rapture.
    10 A long ass time ago in a California city, a non-denominational Christian group be spoutin’ off at the mouth not only about predictin’ the Second Coming, but goin’ so far as to say they would be convincin’ Jesus to be comin’ back sooner.
    11 How that be for bein’ cocky? Now, how this group said they would be doin’ this was by proselytizin’ in as many cities around the world as possible. They went so far as pickin’ members of they congregation an’ then tellin’ them which city to move to in order to be settin’ up another branch of that group.
    12 This group done also went so further by creatin’ Christian youth boot camps where these teenage kids would be completely brainwashed and indoctrinated, and then told to go out into The World and preach the Gospel of Disaster.
    13 These teenage kids were told what to be studyin’ in college and once they be havin’ they degrees they was expected to be donatin’ three full years followin’ they college graduation to be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster fulltime.
    14 Now, this church group be makin’ these kids feel so special and privileged that most of them, at least in the beginnin’, tried to do exactly as they were told.
    15 The church group even coined a catchy name for the groups of misled teens who would be doin’ this brick-a-brack : Fiery Future Full-Timers. Their assigned goal was to be convincin’ Jesus Christ to be returnin’ by 1993c.e.
    16 When this date be comin’ and then passin’ without any deity by the name of Jesus returnin’ triumphantly in mega clouds in the sky, a new return date of 1996c.e. was issued.
    17 Of course, the new date didn’t be pannin’ out either. Shee-it.
    18 Now, here be the paradox of those Christian groups that be claimin’ dates of Christ’s return, ’aight?
    19 In they own scriptures of the Gospel of Disaster that they be preachin’ it do clearly say that no man be knowin’ the time or the day of Jesus’ return. If that be the case, why the hell these muthas done keep tryin’ to predict the Second Comin’?
    20 Don’t they be seein’ how goddamn stupid this be makin’ them look? Not to mention it be makin’ them hypocrites since on the one hand they be sayin’ nobody be knowin’ when Jesus be back, then on the other hand they make a date for his return.
    21 Not exactly balanced an’ even thinkin’, is it?
    22 The fear that these predicted dates can be instillin’ in some people can be very damagin’ psychologically, so damaging in fact that some people won’t even be havin’ children and raisin’ a family since they believe there ain’t enough time to be doin’ that.

Chapter 2

    1 Next we will be discussin’ the tendency of many church groups to claim that they be havin’ the only proper information on how to be worshippin’ Jesus and what a believer must be doin’ and not doin’ in order to avoid eternity in hell.
    2 It be in this area that people be caught up in the ridiculously stupid argument of My-God-is-Better-Than-Your-God.
    3 Any group that be doin’ anything similar to this ain’t be worth the time in your day, you dig?
    4 Let us take the cult group we be talkin’ about in the previous chapter, ‘aight?
    5 What this group be doin’ is interpretin’ they scriptures in the manner that best suits the sit-gee-ation that they be in, ‘aight? They be masters of semantics, foh-shizzle.
    6 In they interpreted scriptures they be havin’ somethin’ that be called Calling on the Name of the Lord. What this be meanin’ is members of the church literally be callin’ out loud, Lord Jesus! Over and over and over and over and over and over. Truth be told, there ain’t be no problem with them doin’ this. It be their belief. No problem, ‘aight?
    7 Sometimes they be shoutin’ it. Sometimes they be whisperin’ it. When they be gettin’ a whole bunch of they members together and they be doin’ this it creates within’ they group a highly charged atmosphere, somethin’ very similar to mass hypnosis.
    8 The problem be startin’ when this group be pickin’ on other groups for not prayin’ this way. It be the truth that many groups do not practice this Calling on the Name of the Lord, and for the ones that don’t they be bein’ considered to be false faiths since they supposedly don’t be following’ the words of God to call on the Lord.
    9 Of course, it never be crossin’ the minds of the cult group that just because it be their interpretation of the verse to actually and literally call out the name of the Lord, that don’t be makin’ them right.
    10 But that don’t be matterin’ to them ‘cause they be consumed by they insistent desire to be the group with the only truth.
    11 Movin’ on about this group, they have taken all the verses in they bible that be sayin’ that idolatry be abominable and be applyin’ it these verses to every symbol of the Christian faith.
    12 Statues of holy figures or biblical characters or even crosses are simply not allowed in this church as such things are considered to be pagan and heathen. Even wearin’ necklaces with crosses ain’t be bein’ allowed.
    13 To this particular cult group, anyone who be possessin’ statues and crosses an’ shit be guilty of worshippin’ idols instead of Jesus and God.
    14 Here you can once again be seein’ they ridiculous desire to be right while everyone else done be wrong. Delusional, isn’t it?
    15 This silly cult group be so damn desperate in its search for finding shit wrong with the ways other groups be worshippin’. Allow me to be listin’ some of the things they say be wrong with the way other faiths worship God an’ Jesus:
    16 Baptism of babies ain’t workin’ ‘cause they be too little to be understandin’ what be goin’ on. Baptism only be countin’ when that person be older and fully submerged under water, you dig?
    17 The Lord’s Supper on Sundays, also known by some as Communion, cannot be taken by folks who ain’t been baptized or who ain’t be receivin’ Jesus in they hearts just like this group be sayin’ they ought to.
    18 If people don’t be tryin’ to proselytize to everyone within’ reachin’ distance by tryin’ to cram they version of salvation down the throats of others then they ain’t really Christians who be worshippin’ Jesus right.
    19 If people be speakin’ about anything other than what be in they bible then they ain’t be worshippin’ Jesus correctly and they ain’t gonna be looked upon with favor by Jesus.
    20 Accordin’ to this cult group it don’t be matterin’ whether or not you be somebody good like Mother Teresa, ‘cause if you don’t be worshippin’ like they do then yo’ ass still be grass.


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