God Speaks to Me II: Daily News Blog

These are the messages of God as so related to me through the various personalities of the divine.

Morons Unite!

By: God the Mean Spirited

Well, well, well. What can I say about the supposed human creation of God? How about this simple fact: There are a lot of fu*king stupid people out there in your neck of the galaxy. Let us begin...

So, this convicted criminal Troy Davis spoke with me just this morning, and what did he say? He said he cannot understand why his attorneys waited until 1994, three years after his original conviction, to try to say that witnesses had recanted their statements. The first appeals were filled with assertions that Troy did not receive a fair and equal trial (problems with the trial site and the jury selection) and that defense attorneys did not provide effective counsel. Why did counsel wait so long to assert that  witnesses were tainted? Maybe they didn't know? Possible. If so, why did counsel for Troy try to challenge the conviction in 2000, citing that the use of the ole electric chair was cruel and unusual punishment? Did they really believe in his innocence, or were they simply trying whatever they thought might work to either overturn his conviction or commute his death sentence to life? Do they understand that these actions did not help to cement the idea that there may have indeed been credible doubt? Do they know what CREDIBLE doubt is? Not all doubt is credible, do they understand this?

And how can I not mention something about the idiot 'hikers' who were finally released from Iran? Not much, except that they are idiots. Who the hell goes hiking in IRAN? Hell, why not go on a picnic or camping excursion in Afghanistan? Sure. I'll make the sandwiches and you make the fruit punch. If people are dumb enough to go hiking in Iran and get caught, shit, let their dumb asses stay there. Why would you want people that stupid in your country anyways? Don't let them back into your country where they will get married, procreate, and make MORE stupid people.

Ohhhhh, Mr. Obungle. Well, why don't you do everyone on your planet a favor and STOP trying to pretend you know what the hell you are doing in politics, humm? Your voon-der-bar election slogan of "Yes We Can!" apparently only refers to getting into more debt, fighting more useless wars, getting into more debt, demolishing the economy, getting into more debt, bungling healthcare reform, getting into more debt, growing the unemployment percentage as if it were a garden perennial, and...that's right...getting into more debt. By the way, Mr. Obungle, you seriously need to do something about the people you have making up your little propaganda stories that are supposed to make you look good, because they aren't very good, aren't believable, and only make you look worse. Fire them. Get better writers. Hell, hire Stephen King! Just about everything he writes is a bestseller! 

Yay! Government shut down! It reminds me of the winter months when there are loads of snow in some areas of your planet and all the kids are hoping for school to be cancelled...except it never is. Stop getting the hopes of the nation up by saying there is going to be this big damn government shut down...and then pulling the plug on pulling the plug. It is emotional trauma. Pull the goddamn cord and get it over with. Use it as a tool with which to get rid of all the crap politicians. Just don't replace the idiots with more idiots as this will not help your country.

You humans in the United States want to help your debt situation? Hey, you politicians who never pray but should, forgive some of the debt to the middle and lower classes and extend them business credits, give them their homes (and I do mean GIVE) and forgive their education debts with the chance to pursue even greater education goals. Give colleges and universities credits, give home building companies credits. Forgive debts to countries that will forgive your debt in return. Get as close as possible to starting from financial scratch, set the numbers at zero and extend credit. Get people back to learning, earning, building, and buying.

And stop giving a flying fu*k what that freak Ahmadinejad has to say. Don't you get it? Dude is beyond nuts, and he is going to continue to say crazy shit because he KNOWS it bugs the shit out of you. So STOP listening to the little freak and inviting him places. No one fu*king wants to hear his useless rhetoric anyways. Let his own people remove his dumb ass from political power. Stop involving yourselves with trying to solve problems that are not your goddamn problem, geeze.

Texas. Look, did God bless you? I suppose so. I admire your fervent desire to get the gravy train of the justice system moving by clearing out Death Row. HOWEVER, you have got to make sure the guys you put to death are really guilty, alright? You, too, Georgia. And all you people inside and outside of the justice system stop making race an issue in goddamn everything you possibly can. Let the evidence speak. By the way, the color of one's skin should NEVER be evidence, got it? If the fu*ker is guilty the evidence will say so...not their ethnicity or any kind of crap-doodle like that. Race is old goddamn news. Get over it.

Tea Party, you can take a friggin' hike. The United States is a coffee drinking nation anyways, or didn't you know that?

Mr. Obungle, thank JESUS you are not the coach of my favorite NFL team, because your plans SUCK!

https://sites.google.com/site/esterlighthorse/home

The Twenty-Fifth Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible New Testament)

The Tenement Gospel 

(the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible New Testament)

The Book of III J-Dog

(the twenty-fifth book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 My brothas, I be writin’ youz concernin’ the wealth of the Tenement Gospel.
    2 May ya’ll be loved, and blessed, and showered with prosperity, foh-shizzle.
    3 And I be plenty happy that so many muthas and brothas be turnin’ to the Tenement Gospel.
    4 An’ don’t it just fill a brothas heart to know that so many people be seekin’ out the truth within they own hearts and minds and souls.
    5 I be biddin’ you to be strong in the love you be findin’ in yourselfs that be of the Tenement Gospel,
    6 And may ya’ll be treatin’ yourselfs and each other with expressions worthy of the love that be in you, and of you, and by you, and for you.
    7 For those preachin’ the Tenement Gospel don’t be pickin’ and choosin’ who be receivin’ the salvations of their understandin’ of God.
    8 And since this be so, it be our responsibility to be makin’ known to the world that we all be fellow muthas and brothas in love and truth.
    9 And while ya’ll be teachin’ the Tenement Gospel remember that they mo’ fos who be plantin’ bad seeds of the Gospel of Disaster will be sayin’ crazy shit about you, tryin’ to be paintin’ you in a bad light so that people be turnin’ from the truth you carry.
    10 But do not let this be bringin’ you down, ‘aight?
    11 And don’t be sayin’ crazy crap like they be doin’, tryin’ to scare brothas into they faith because that don’t be no real testimony, ‘cause real testimony ain’t never born of fear.
    12 In each and every one of us God, all that is God, all that be God has placed a remarkable an’ powerful truth. This be where the real testimony is, mutha.
    13 I be hopin’ for ya’ll many excellent things,
    14 And may all things that be great, grand, and glorious be findin’ they way to you. Be livin’ to love, and lovin’ to live. Peace, out!

For more of The Tenement Gospel: https://sites.google.com/site/esterlighthorse/customization

The Twenty-Fourth Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible New Testament)

The Tenement Gospel

(the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible New Testament)

The Book of II J-Dog

(the twenty-fourth book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Foh-shizzle, my brothas, I be writin’ this letter for the elderly and the young, for the man and the woman, for the adult and the child, so that they be havin’ access to all the truth that be God.
    2 Ya’ll need to be knowin’ that this truth be inside you forever, ‘aight?
    3 From all the facets of truth and from all the facets of God, my brotha, may we all be blessed with grace and mercy and pieces of coconut cream pie ‘cause that shit be tastin’ mighty good.
    4 I be writin’ ya’ll this letter ‘cause I be gettin’ lots of former prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster huntin’ me down and askin’ me more ‘bout the Tenement Gospel an’ its truths.
    5 This be makin’ me pretty happy ‘cause it be meanin’ that there are muthas out there who be tryin’ to rectify they former stingy an’ non-sensical gospel.
    6 For those muthas who be peddlin’ the Gospel of Disaster be tryin’ to scare homeys into believin’ they screwy faith, and they be tellin’ them that all other faiths be from the antichrist.
    7 And it be that people hear the word antichrist and they be tremblin’ with fear, but they don’t be understandin’ that they be havin’ nothing’ to fear, and no damn antichrist to be worryin’ over.
    8 This antichrist dude be a fairytale created to be tryin’ to scare people into believin’ the Gospel of Disaster.
    9 But the antichrist only be in the ‘maginations of the stewards of the Gospel of Disaster, and every time they be seein’ or hearin’ someone that be against they beliefs they move like lightnin’ and be callin’ that person the antichrist.
    10 And tell me, my brothas, what good be a faith that be built on fear? What kind of truth be tryin’ to scare people into believing?
    11 If a faith be tryin’ to recruit through fear, then what they be practicin’ not be truth and sure as fuck not be faith. For true faith be independent of any pushin’ or pullin’ of the heart or mind or soul or spirit.
    12 Much like freewill cain’t be reconciled with predestination, faith cain’t be reconciled with fear.
    13 So, my homeys, look into yourselfs to be findin’ the truth of God, for this be resultin’ in the reward of a truly incredible and phenomenal life.

For more on what The Tenement Gospel talks about: https://sites.google.com/site/esterlighthorse/customization

The Twenty-First Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible New Testament)

 The Tenement Gospel

 (the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible New Testament)

The Book of I Pete
(the twenty-first book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Yo, dog! I be Pete, a studier an’ teacher of the Tenement Gospel, and I be here talkin’ about and layin’ some groundwork of the Tenement Gospel.
    2 Now let there be many a blessin’ on the vastness of God and truth, and all understandin’ to be searchin’ salvations.
    3 For it be through the Tenement Gospel that we be learnin’ that we all be livin’ eternally, each life we be livin’ drawin’ us closer and deeper into the joy of the Tenement Gospel and the love it be teachin’ us is all around us and in us.
    4 And once you be opening’ your heart and mind and inheritin’ the truth of all that is God there ain’t no goin’ back.
    5 Be rememberin’ the real truth of God and all that be makin’ up God, but don’t be holdin’ such truth only to yourselfs, but be showin’ it to everyone for we all be in salvations anyways.
    6 And though the trial that be caused by those wallowin’ in the Gospel of Disaster can be some fucked-up shit at times, don’t let this be makin’ you have a sorrowful heart.
    7 For those muthas of the Gospel of Disaster don’t be realizing’ that faith don’t be needed to be proven any more than a person be needin’ to be provin’ that they be breathin’ air.
    8 The muthas who be behavin’ like this cain’t see the love and the joy that be natural within’ theyselfs. Because of this they don’t be understandin’ that they be puttin’ theyselfs into voluntary spiritual exile.
    9 It be by the twisted, obtusely critical virtues of the Gospel of Disaster that some brothas be findin’ answers to they questions of God unanswered an’ criticized.
    10 When you be considerin’ the gifts of salvations ya’ll just better be keeping’ in mind that there are prophets who be yakin’ that salvation only be for set groups of muthas and brothas.
    11 They will be crazily adamant that if you be worshippin’ with them, well then that be makin’ you able to get yourselfs some salvation.
    12 But these same mutha fuckas be tryin’ to keep salvation away from brothas who don’t follow a fellowship of their likin’, who don’t be yakin’ the Gospel of Disaster, and even those who don’t be worshippin’ God in the first place.
    13 But the best thing ya’ll can be doin’ is to open the hope that be in your heart with the Tenement Gospel.
    14 As people who be havin’ workin’ brains ya’ll don’t be dragged down by the lunacy of the Gospel of Disaster.
    15 But ya’ll be livin’ accordin’ to the endless truths an’ endless love that naturally be in you and of you and for you.
    16 And this be the truth, foh-shizzle, that you be holy, my brotha. Just like I be holy. We all be holy, my brotha, because God be in all of us and God be bein’ the ultimate holy, ‘aight?
    17 And no matter where you be goin’ or what you be doin’ ya’ll best be rememberin’ that you never be travelin’ alone.
    18 For if you be rememberin’ that God be in you then you shall never be travelin’ in fear, and you shall never be workin’ alone, an’ if you be havin’ any sorrow it shall be turned into joy, for the love that be God be in you and for you and of you.
    19 Ya’ll need to be knowin’ that by openin’ your heart and your mind that you be redeemed by the love of God that be in you.
    20 And youz should never be forgettin’ that ya’lls cain’t be redeemed by any one faith, or any one interpretation of God, or by insidious words of the Gospel of Disaster.
    21 And no matter how much those who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster may be claimin’ they don’t be knowin’ the foundations of this world, and they sure as fuck don’t be knowin’ what be happnin’ in the future,
    22 What I can be telling’ ya’lls is the future sho’ ain’t gonna be some big-assed, fangdangled judgment where God be throwin’ masses of people into a lake that be made up of fire all ‘cause they don’t be believin’ in the Gospel of Disaster.
    23 The Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ that it be incorruptible, but this ain’t the case, homey, ‘cause this terrible gospel be used by all kinds of people to separate, divide, and destroy.
    24 And for those that be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster, well homey, they ass be grass ‘cause they ain’t ever goin’ be seein’ the glory of everthin’ around them ‘cause they asses of grass be withered an’ shit.
    25 But, in the end it really don’t be matterin’ what the hell ding-dongs who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster have to say about anythin’, ‘cause the words of God and all this is God be goin’ on forever, ‘aight?

Chapter 2

    1 Now ya’ll who be bitchin’ and moanin’ about the different faiths in God that people be havin’ need to be droppin’ that shit. The religious card is well beyond overplayed, ya’ll. I grow weary of hearin’ dat shit.
    2 Ya’ll be bickerin’ about how to be believin’ in God like you was a couple of friggin’ babies arguin’ over a bottle of milk.
    3 Part of the problem be that some of ya’ll crazy muthas out there be gettin’ to love the taste of God in the grips of religious superiority.
    4 You say you be havin’ a livin’ stone and be God’s chosen an’ held high in his honor.
    5 But ya’ll don’t be seein’ that you be the ones who be like stones, stones in ya’lls heads. Ya’ll be regularly behavin’ like youz be dumber than a box of rocks.
    6 What be makin’ things worse be the fact that when a whole bunch of ya’ll rock heads be gettin’ together you be thinkin’ you be buildin’ spiritual houses, churches, priesthood, an’ religious sacrifices that be pleasin’ to God.
    7 But you stupid muthas don’t be seein’ that God don’t be wantin’ any of these damn things.
    8 And those people who be wise be understandin’ that if a stone be a stumblin’ block to the builders, then the builders be throwin’ out the offendin’ stones.
    9 There be those muthas of the Gospel of Disaster who be sayin’ they be a chosen race, royal priests designated by God, a people in possession of a holy nation that be possessin’ the only light in a universe of darkness.
    10 Well, I be telling’ you what. These muthas be soundin’ exactly like the friggin’ Nazis and they dumb ass spin on God makin’ them a master race, an’ shit.
    11 Now I be beggin’ everybody, ‘aight, that ya’ll stop youz stupid fightin’ over whose version of God an’ religion be the right one.
    12 If ya’ll could get to the point of stoppin’ youz stupid fightin’ over God ya’ll would be havin’ a most excellent manner of life.
    13 But ya’ll be speakin’ against each other, callin’ each others’ worshippin’ practices evil an’ crappin’ on each others’ good works, sayin’ God won’t be givin’ no damn care about them in his day of visitation.
    14 But I say all you muthas be on crack, you dig? ‘Cause God don’t need to be doin’ no visitin’ of a place where he already be, am I catchin’ you on the five-by, homey?
    15 And ya’ll need to be workin’ harder at doin’ more good works and improvin’ your societies and gub’ments, for to be improvin’ yo self and all the things that be around you, well homey, then you be doin’ the will of God.
    16 Ya’ll don’t be understandin’ that youz don’t need to be makin’ all ya’lls self prisoners and slaves of ya’lls faith. There ain’t no truth in that shit, neither be there any love or peace or hope in it.
    17 Ya’ll need to be honorin’ each other and also honorin’ the different beliefs ya’ll be havin’. Ya’ll need to be showin’ each other love an’ respect.
    18 Ya’ll don’t be needin’ to be treatin’ each other shabbily just ‘cause you not be likin’ different truths and interpretations of God. Stop treatin’ each other badly just ‘cause you be fearin’ different interpretations of reality.
    19 An’ if you be workin’ for someone who be treatin’ you bad an’ shit, or they be askin’ you to be doin’ shit that you know be wrong, then don’t be subjectin’ youzselfs to dat shit. Don’t be standin’ for dat crapola.
    20 For part of what grace be is the courage to be standin’ up for what be right even if you be scared of what some psycho muthas out there in the world might be doin’ when you be telling’ them to take they job and shove it.
    21 And ya’ll be rememberin’ that youz don’t need to be puttin’ youzselfs in positions where you be sufferin’ for one reason or ‘nother.
    22 An’ it don’t be matterin’ what the fuck the hobos of the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ when they say dat sufferin’ be good an’ be buildin’ endurance to find God and the grace of God,
    23 ‘Cause talk like this don’t be makin’ no sense no how, you dig?
    24 An’ a gospel that be teachin’ sufferin’ as part of they core dogma be havin’ some serious problems anyway. I still don’t be understandin’ why people be believing’ in crazy shit like dat.
    25 Now some folk be sayin’ that just ‘cause Jesus be sufferin’ when he be here that people should also be sufferin’ when they here, but that crazy gumbo don’t be makin’ the proper connections now, do it?
    26 That shit make just about as much sense as cookin’ the microwave in the burrito instead of the other way around, ‘aight? The only reason Jesus be sufferin’ when he be here was because people around him be doin’ it to him.
    27 Ya’ll seriously think that Jesus wanted that shit to happin’ to him, or that God made Jesus be goin’ through all dat on purpose? And these muthas be sayin’ they God be a lovin’ God,
    28 Shee-it! He be soundin’ like one of those fuckas who fall in the category of, With friends like these, who be needin’ enemies?
    29 All those who be following’ the Gospel of Disaster be like sheep bein’ led astray.

For the full version of The Tenement Gospel: https://sites.google.com/site/esterlighthorse/

The Eleventh Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible)

 The Tenement Gospel

 (the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible)

The Book of Flippin’
(the eleventh book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 My brothas! What it be is what it was, what it is and what it’s gonna be!
    2 May the blessin’ of all that be love in this here universe be findin’ its way to you and be blessin’ youz in every way possible.
    3 Ya’ll be firm in youz understandin’ that your knowledge of the love that be surroundin’ you will place into youz life many wonderful things.
    4 If you be findin’ that a professed faith be tyin’ you down with fear in spiritual bondage you best be lettin’ go, for no amount of fear ever made anything better, you dig?
    5 Your actions of what be love in this universe will be the testament to what be your understandin’ of all that be makin’ up what God be.
    6 Live each day for the love and the joy that fill it and always be sharin’ that with all those around you.
    7 Should you be comin’ across a faith that be teachin’ cruel commandments and hatred of those different than you don’t let it be touchin’ the foundations of love you be buildin’ up within yourself.
    8 Some people be teachin’ Christ and love and salvation and Jesus and God, but then they be treatin’ people of other faiths and beliefs with disregard and loathin’. Do not be as these.
    9 Never be causing those around you grief an’ dishonor. Neither be doin’ that shit to ya’ll self, ‘cause that shit be disgraceful to yourselfs and all those around you, you dig?
    10 Be behavin’ properly whether or not you be all on your lonesome or around other people.
    11 And don’t be bothered and worried by people preachin’ hellfire an’ damnation ‘cause, frankly speakin’, most of them simply don’t be knowin’ any better.
    12 And don’t be tryin’ to argue the tenets of faith and love with these people because tryin’ to do that be like beatin’ a goddamn dead horse. Shee-it.
    13 And you be doin’ well unto yourself by rememberin’ that salvations be for all. Not only that, but never be forgettin’ that salvations don’t be connected with sufferin’ of any kind. There be no grace or salvations in sufferin’.

For more religious silliness: https://sites.google.com/site/wiseonecartooncreations/home

The Fourth Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible)

The Tenement Gospel

(the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible)

The Book of Jon
(the fourth book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Religion. An annoying frontier. These are the misadventures of the starship Cruciprise to explore the depths of beliefs, to question the lunacy of man in his search for spirituality, to boldly, if stupidly go where sooner or later all religions go, to argument!
    2 This story of the ages begins with the brave Admiral Jebuss and his crew of twelve religious dissidents: Captain Delilah, Major Sampson, Lieutenant Lazarus, Colonel Moses,
    3 Staff Sergeant Aaron, Command Sergeant Major Pharaoh, Chief Warrant Officer Korah, PFC Uriah, PFC David, Specialist Bathsheba, Corporal Nebuchadnezzar, and Sergeant Lucifer as the Cruciprise’s cook.
    4 Going back to the beginning, in the Horsehair Nebulae in the year Long-Ass-Time-Ago, Admiral Jebuss sits in the Captain’s chair, saying,
    5 Admiral’s log, eternity date only God knows when. We have been traveling in circles through time this entire last week, mostly in a half-assed effort by the time Friday rolled around, to try to find a religion, any religion, that the majority of people on the planet can at least fight fairly over.
    6 Eight days ago, that half-asleep nit Lieutenant Lazarus once again showed everyone how fucking pathetic his navigation skills are when he stupidly put the wrong flight path into the freakin’ computer.
    7 By the screwiest chance of circumstance his mistake put us into a wormhole that looped to the same time we were in every time we tried to leave it. Of course, we hadn’t even figured that out until two days into the mistake, damn the whole thing.
    8 I looked like a total jackass since I thought we had discovered a parallel of eternity that actually had the same religion no matter where you went within that parallel.
    9 To make matters worse, PFC Uriah and PFC David continue to fight and bicker over Specialist Bathsheba. The assholes can’t seem to understand she is a lesbian and in a very strong relationship with Captain Delilah.
    10 Then there is the incessant arguing and sibling rivalry between brothers Colonel Moses and Staff Sergeant Aaron, the Separatist rants of Chief Warrant Officer Korah, Command Sergeant Major Pharaoh and the stinking meth lab he keeps trying to build,
    11 Corporal Nebuchadnezzar and his all-night Guitar Hero runs at volumes that are just about enough to make your ears bleed, and God help me to put up with Sergeant Lucifer’s horrible cooking, because I can’t take much more of the gruel he serves.
    12 Admiral Jebuss sighed and then said, Well, at least we fixed the freakin’ time loop snafu, damn that nit wit Lazarus. I swear, this is totally the last time I ever let someone else pick my crew for me. The good thing is I think we have found the religion we have been looking for this whole crazy trip.
    13 Admiral Jebuss looked around the empty control room. All of his crew would be here as soon as they were finished trying to eat whatever wallpaper paste Sergeant Lucifer was trying to pass off as a real, edible breakfast.
    14 The hydraulic doors to the control room hissed open and Admiral Jebuss’ crew began to take their proper places.
    15 Good morning, Admiral Jebuss! The crew called. Admiral Jebuss gave a half-hearted wave and then said,
    16 Let’s just get this morning’s meeting over with, why don’t we? Okay, for all to know we have finally fixed the time loop screw-up, no thanks to sleepy over there who is pretending to dust his workstation. Hey, Laz. Drop it. We’re not fooled. Anyways,
    17 Delilah, you are in charge this morning of typing our destination into the computer since Laz has been temporarily stripped of that duty until he proves he can handle such a simple task as friggin‘ breathing,
    18 Uriah and David, do you guys think you can work together enough to get us the power we are going to need to make the proper space-through-time shift? I mean, I’m tired of having to peel you two thugs apart every two seconds. Admiral Jebuss made a mean face at them and then continued,
    19 Bathsheba, I am going to need you to make contact with the captain in charge at base operations and tell him we are at least a few more days away from verifying and netting that good, strong religion everyone can fight over responsibly.
    20 Korah and Pharaoh, I want you two to man the ear phones for any radio signals from religious stations that sound like they might have a good religion worth checking out. If it sounds promising, tell me and we’ll go see what they got.
    21 Sampson and Nebuchadnezzar, I want you two to hit all the regular messaging boards on the computer and see what you can find so far as people bickering over religion goes. No more Pentecostal, though. That is just too boring for me,
    22 Not even if they do the prayin’ with the snakes thing. I don’t like snakes. Besides, I always thought that looked hokey, you know. Like, Look at me Jesus loves me because I can play with poisonous snakes! Stupid. Anyways,
    23 Moses and Aaron, ya’ll know what I want you to do, right? I want you to check every kind of advertisement and form of invitation aimed at trying to draw people to special meetings that promise incredible riches and rewards from God in return for their adoration.
    24 And you, Lucifer, well. I tell you what, try to make something that won’t give us all the runs for lunch, ’aight? That about wraps it up for now. Chop! Chop! Let’s get going and give this finding’ a religion worth fighting over a good run for the money!

Chapter 2

    1 After Delilah had entered the space-time coordinates into the computer, Bathsheba set about contacting the captain in charge of base operations. After several attempts on the space phone Bathsheba finally got through, saying,
    2 Cruciprise to base operations, Cruciprise to base operations. This is Specialist Bathsheba. May I please speak with the captain in charge? And the captain in charge answered, saying,
    3 Captain Pharisee in charge of base operation to Cruciprise Specialist Bathsheba, please go ahead with your message. And Bathsheba said,
    4 Captain Pharisee, I have an update from Admiral Jebuss. As of this time we are only a few days from procurement of an adequate religion with which to initiate Operation Scripture Scramble. Captain Pharisee said,
    5 Excellent, Specialist Bathsheba. What religions have you zeroed in on that seem ripe and ready for exploitation? Something that will really rile the masses, I hope? We are in real need of a religion that can sustain this operation. And Bathsheba said,
    6 Yes, Captain Pharisee! We have in fact zeroed in on a great religion, one that has so many different interpretations of spiritual scriptures that no less than fifty different denominations have been spawned from the one religion. Captain Pharisee was amazed and said,
    7 Are you serious? More than fifty different religions all spawned from one set of religious scriptures? Wow! It almost sounds too good to be true! How much have you verified? Bathsheba lied, saying,
    8 The Admiral is in the middle of his calculations right now, has been so for the last six or seven hours. He believes this to be the one. Admiral Jebuss heard what Bathsheba was saying and very nearly choked on his coffee, and he whisper-hissed to Bathsheba,
    9 What the fuck are you telling him? I don’t have any of that done! You’re gonna get me killed! Bathsheba waved him off and continued talking to Captain Pharisee,
    10 Admiral Jebuss hopes to have us on location for the acquisition and containment by this evening. However, Captain Pharisee, please understand that is if all of the calculations prove to be reliable. Captain Pharisee said,
    11 Excellent job! I shall be sure to inform the Committee of Scribes as soon as we are done here. Well done, Cruciprise! Do you have anything else to report? Bathsheba answered, saying,
    12 No, Captain Pharisee. As soon as we have final containment we will message you post-haste. Captain Pharisee again praised the crew of the Cruciprise and then signed off. Admiral Jebuss was looking at Specialist Bathsheba in absolute horror and said,
    13 Are you out of your goddamn mind, Bathsheba? I haven’t done any of the things you told him I did! I have not even gone over the radio reports, the computer reports, or the television reports! He’s gonna kill me! Bathsheba shook her head, saying,
    14 Calm down, Admiral Jebuss. You are not going to be killed. I have an excellent feeling about this religion we have recently been stalking, and I am telling you this is the one. See,
    15 I have been studying the reports in my spare time. I hope you don’t mind, Admiral. I have found some wonderful parallels to what we are looking for in a religion. Admiral Jebuss waited for Bathsheba to say more and when she did not he said,
    16 Well, go on with whatever it was you were saying, Bathsheba. Don’t leave me hanging. Bathsheba smiled and said,
    17 Actually, that is exactly what I am going to do, Admiral. In all actuality, that is precisely the kind of thing that is a huge part of what this religion is that we have found. It is excellent in working up the believers into various fits of frenzy. Then, it rips the rug right out from underneath them. It is the epitome of spiritual pricelessness.

For the full version of The Tenement Gospel: https://sites.google.com/site/esterlighthorse/