The Tenement Gospel
(the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible New Testament)
The Book of Revelatin’
(the twenty-seventh book of The Tenement Gospel)
Chapter 1
1 What it is, my brotha? This here be me revelatin’ to you about the Tenement Gospel as so stated by God his own self, so that the muthas who be prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster might be doin’ something to be settin’ theyselfs free.
2 Now, the folks who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ that they scriptures be the complete and indelible truth, but this be a bunch of horse shit.
3 The reason for this be simple, ‘aight? They main problem be that they faith be based on a load of frightening prophecies that be making no damn sense no how. Now that be what we gonna be talkin’ about here, you dig?
4 But before I gets into tellin’ ya’ll what ya’ll should be lookin’ out for an’ shit, I wanna be greeting you and thankin’ you for being here and readin’ this, ‘aight?
5 So, with all the love in the universe that be making up what God be, I bless you and hope that all thangs be goin’ well for you and all of yours, you dig? Know in your heart that wherever you are, so God is there also regardless of whether or not you want him to be.
6 I have been charged by God and all that be making up what God be to write this book so that ya’ll know the truth about what to be expectin’ from the nut cases who be spoutin’ off about the Gospel of Disaster.
7 Now, these things be coming to me through a dream, granted a really whacked out dream that in all fairness could have been a direct result of the mow I smoked. I am writin’ these things exactly as I herd ‘em or saw ‘em in my dream, ‘aight?
8 In my dream I be standin’ on the most beautiful, white sand beach that be havin’ the most gorgeous blue water. And stuck in the white sand be these really cool lookin’ tiki torches.
9 And standin’ near these tiki torches was this servant guy who be bringin’ anything I be askin’ for. So, I gots a really cool drink in a pineapple. Now the guy standin’ near the torches be havin’ Rasta braids and be smokin’ really great mow.
10 And dude says to me, Ya’ll be writin’ this down, foh-shizzle, so people be payin’ attention to what they should be doin’. And if people be sayin’ to youz that they don’t be havin’ the info that they be needin’ you tell them they full of shit,
11 For everything that people be needin’ to be knowing in order to be livin’ happy and healthy and abundant lives be all around them if only they be openin’ they eyes and they minds and they hearts and they spirits. This be the truth, my dizzle.
12 And tell this to people so that they be knowing that there ain’t no alpha and no omega, for everything be now and all at once, you dig? That be what Jesus be tryin’ to tell people about what the ‘I Am’ be meanin’. It be meanin’ oneness with the ‘now’, you dig?
13 Now folks needin’ to be knowin’ that there ain’t no big damn tribulation that all that be makin’ up God in this universe be making people to be going through. Don’t ya’ll know you be making all your own tribulations?
14 God ain’t tryin’ to put people through more of that shit! Hell no! God be trying to help ya’ll get yo asses out of the bad things you done gone and did to ya’lls selfs.
15 So youz go and be writing down everything that I be telling’ you so that hopefully somebody be payin’ attentions an’ start gettin’ shit right, you dig?
16 So, I done told the guy with the Rasta braids who be smokin’ a doobie that I be doin’ exactly like he be tellin’ me an’ writin’ everything down.
Chapter 2
1 And a voice said to look and I looked, and I saw nine golden pot bongs standing in a thick haze of smoke from the most holy mow. Then did the voice say, It is four and twenty.
2 Then was a righteous doobie passed unto me and I did smoke of the most holiest of mows. Then a voice said, You must be hungry.
3 I turned toward the sound of the voice and, behold! I saw a man clothed in the garment of an ice cream man, girded about the chest with cinnamon buns, his hair was the blinding salmon pink of cotton candy,
4 His head was a nacho tortilla chip and his eyes were watermelon flavored ring-pops; his arms were fruit roll-ups and his fingers were golden corndogs; his thighs were carne asada burritos and his calves were churros;
5 His ankles were hickory smoked turkey drumsticks and his feet were buttermilk biscuits with sweet potato toes.
6 As I began to eat the ankles and the toes of the man before me he spoke, saying, Know that the things I am about to tell you are the things that those of the Gospel of Disaster say are about to take place, but never will,
7 Or they are things that those of the Gospel of Disaster normally be spoutin’ off about for one reason or other.
8 And I be fallin’ at the feet of this fella an I told him that I was not into lisnin’ to some puffed up scriptural mumbo-jumbo that said I was going to be burning in somebody’s hell. And he said to me,
9 No, Bozo! I am not gonna preach that crap to you. I am telling you what to look out for from the people who do preach that crapola for shits and giggles and for the purpose of scarin’ the beejesus out of everybody on the planet who don’t be believin’ like they do.
10 Now, listen up! The folk who be teachin’ the Gospel of Disaster shall be claimin’ all kinds of signs and symbols and messages in damn near anything that be happnin’ or not happnin’, you dig?
11 Now some of the messengers of the Gospel of Disaster claim to know that the works and labors of those of the Tenement Gospel are evil and that the preachers of the Tenement Gospel are false apostles.
12 The reason why those of the Gospel of Disaster claim the teachings of the Tenement Gospel to be false is because such a message preached is not one they wish to hear about,
13 For the purveyors of the Gospel of Disaster do not wish to hear that they have completely departed from the message of love of the universe, and in doing so they have also left God,
14 And instead of treating their fellow men with acceptance they point to them and say, Look! They are doing this wrong! Look! They are doing that wrong!
15 He who has half a mind to hear don’t listen to those of the Gospel of Disaster, for such say nothing worth hearing when they preach about the things they hate and the people they hate and the practices they hate.
16 It is true, however, that those of the Gospel of Disaster who overcome the urge to hate and detest and abuse others shall in turn overcome the fruits of the Tree of Disaster, therefore reverting back to the love that comprises what God is.
17 And some of the messengers of the Gospel of Disaster say that to suffer tribulation and poverty and grueling life demands is in reality to live with richness and wealth in life,
18 Yet, these very same messengers become very rich and live comfortable lives with the very same money they beg for and take from those who really are poor and suffering in the depths of poverty;
19 Such messengers slander the faith and the love that they supposedly preach, and in doing so neglect all that is God.
20 And they tell their flocks to not fear or worry about their seemingly endless well of suffering in the now, for those suffering are told they will be rewarded most richly in a distant, later life,
21 For the Gospel of Disaster states that its followers must be faithful in everything, even unto death. In return the faithful are promised crowns of life, but a faith that preaches death in the now and life in the later is doomed to disarray.
Chapter 3
1 And some messengers of the Gospel of Disaster say that all other faiths are like double-edged swords and cut the hearts of those who hold alternate faiths or no faith at all, and cut the ears of all who hear messages of different faiths,
2 For the Gospel of Disaster claims that all other faiths are stumbling blocks and not intended to bring people to God, but rather to take people away from God. Such messengers say,
3 Lo! Faiths of a different origin are from Satan and therefore do not qualify as a valid belief.
4 The messengers of the Gospel of Disaster say that all other faiths and members of such faiths must immediately repent of their wicked faiths and their wicked ways lest they be cut-off from the truth of the Gospel of Disaster,
5 For those who believe differently than peddlers of the Gospel of Disaster will find that a holy war has been declared upon them under the guise of preaching a peaceful gospel,
6 And it is in such a cause that those of the Gospel of Disaster say that their faith is the one, true faith that is above all others, saying,
7 To the man who has ears to hear, let him plug them up so he will not have to listen to the sin of all other faiths,
8 For the God of the Gospel of Disaster promises that those who listen only to him shall be given special stones that no one else shall receive or even know about.
9 And there are those messengers who claim that God hates the tolerance of any faith other than theirs, calling all other faiths sinful and evil and filled with idol worship. 10 The same messengers even accuse believers of other faiths of being wicked fornicators and of purposely sacrificing the truth, therefore giving just cause to treat other religions as adulterous in nature,
11 For according to the Gospel of Disaster members of different faiths or no faith at all shall be thrown into the fires of a great tribulation,
12 But I say to you to never fear these things for they shall never be. Those of the message of disaster shall claim to have authority over all other nations and religions, but this is one of the biggest bullshit lies in the history of religion.
13 If a man has the ears to hear then he shall do himself a favor and never lend an ear to the Gospel of Disaster, for such a gospel that is steeped in fear can never bring about anything nurturing or beneficial.
14 And much like a neglectful parent toward an unwanted child the Gospel of Disaster labels all other beliefs as dead in faith, ignoring them as though they were bastard children.
15 Messengers of the disastrous faith say that no man is saved by works, but then these same muthas turn around and point to other faiths, saying,
16 Look what they are saying, look what they are doing, look at what they are believing, and look at what they do not do. We are better than they are for the works we live by are loved by the one, true God.
17 The messengers of disaster become a source of great disdain amongst many nations, and they claim such disdain as a sign of their longsuffering, but in reality it is everyone else who suffers at the hands of those that are caked with the muddiness hate.
18 It is God that blesses anyone who has the endurance and tenacity and the patience to ignore and put up with the crap of the Gospel of Disaster.
Chapter 4
1 The scriptures of the Gospel of Disaster cannot be truth since they were penned by a bunch of picky bastards who only chose to write about what they liked, what they wanted to hear, and about those things they could use to control people with.
2 Such people are blind so long as they hold onto the Gospel of Disaster, for so long as they fail to see the many paths that lead to God, they shall not have eyes that recognize anything of great or lasting value.
3 When venomous men such as these come to your door and ask for the ears of your heart, do not let them in for they will only devour you and the objectiveness of your spirit.
4 After I was shown all of these things I was given another mega doobie of the most holy of mows and told, Smoke up, for you will now be shown those things the proponents of the Gospel of Disaster shall say and do during what they think is the end.
5 Then I was made non-corporeal and taken before a very large throne made of skeletons that had been dipped in gold, and upon the golden skeletons were green emeralds with many small rainbows seeping out from them.
6 And around this large throne of golden skeletons were many, many smaller thrones identical in appearance, and upon the miniature thrones were many different manifestations of those who preach the Gospel of Disaster,
7 And behold! A voice said unto me, Look at these who sit here one these thrones made of skeletons dipped in gold. They have convinced themselves that they are above all because they have built a throne similar to the one they claim to be God’s throne,
8 But the very throne they claim to be God’s throne is the same throne they created in secret and labeled in secret to be God’s own. Though they claim to have discovered this throne it is not so, for they worship their own creation.
9 One cannot discover what one has created. That is some stupid shit.
10 Standing in the midst of all the thrones is a great beast with many sharp teeth, hateful red eyes, razor sharp talons of the hardest metal, a tongue of fire, the belly of a dragon, the feathers of a chicken, and the whiskers of a catfish.
11 And the beast had many eyes and many mouths from which came many negative words and phrases, and those sitting on the thrones looked upon the beast with awe, bowed to it and prayed to it. Then a voice said to me,
12 See these people on the thrones worshiping this beast? These are the proponents of the Gospel of Disaster. Do you know what the beast they worship is? It is the fear that they rely on in order that they control people with their blind rhetoric.
13 And behold, a dead horse, and the men standing astride of it were beating it in order to get it to comply with their wishes, but it would not respond for it was dead. Crowns with the word ‘Dunce’ were given unto the men who beat the horse,
14 For they were trying to sell the dead horse in an effort to pass it off as something valuable. Unto the people who passed them by they said, Come, buy this horse and it shall till your gardens and take you anywhere you wish to go.
15 And when some people passing by asked why the men were trying to sell a dead horse the men said, It is not dead, only resting. For the men who buy this horse and manage to wake it, it shall be an asset unto them.
16 It came to be that some of those passing by the men with the dead horse paid them no mind at all while others simply wanted to stare at the carcass and yet others wanted to buy it.
17 And behold, I saw a green horse, and the man who sat on him wore golden armor and held a great sack of money. The horse had a bridle and a saddle made of pure silver. And this man had the ability to speak sweet words to people in order that they give him their money,
18 For he promised them that if they gave him money he would lead them to the eternal way and to a special seat in heaven next to Jesus.
19 Then I turned, and behold, I saw a blue horse, and the man who sat on him was crying and his expression was one of great sorrow. And to this man was given the burden of a heavy heart,
20 For he allowed the destructive promises of his supposed faith to divide him from his family and from his friends and from society.
21 And I looked again, and behold, I saw a yellow horse, and the man who sat on him was trembling with great fear. And this man was consumed by the non-sensical rumors of what might happen to him when he would die,
22 For this man chose his faith according to the terrible tribulations that that particular faith promised to save him from if he would only believe.
23 Then there came a great noise like an air horn at a football game, and I saw all of the lives of people who chose to wage war in the name of God and of faith, and they cried out, What is this that we have done to each other?
24 For we say we know the mind and the love of God and then we murder each other, burn one another’s cities and towns, lay waste to lands meant to sustain the life of people, and even commit heinous suicides thinking it makes us martyrs.
25 And as these people are reborn many consign themselves to try to compensate for the atrocities they enacted in their previous lives.
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