From Another Angle VII: Even Better Times

Well, He DID say in the Holy Bible (a b-zillion times at that) that He IS a jealous God.

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The Fourteenth Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible)

 The Tenement Gospel

 (the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible)

The Book of II ‘Lonians
(the fourteenth book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Well, how do it be for ya’ll, my brothas? I hope everything be well wit choo all and that the love that be fillin’ this universe be blessin’ youz.
    2 This here be Pablo an’ Cisco again, and this time what we goin’ to be doin’ is discussin’ specific behaviors of religious groups and specific instruction from the same that be clear indicators of that faith bein’ a cult.
    3 Ya’ll be payin’ attentions to what we be discussin’ so ya’ll don’t be endin’ up like the millions of mindless sheep out there already, you dig?
    4 First we will be discussin’ what we likes to be referrin’ to as the Special Knowledge Factor. The Special Knowledge Factor is a trait done experienced by any religious group that be claimin’ to have special knowledge of  Christ’s Second Comin’ to this planet.
    5 This be includin’ specific predictions of dates when the supposed Second Coming will happen. It would be behoovin’ ya’ll to be lookin’ up these crazy claims on the Internet just to be givin’ youz a little perspective of how often this be happnin’.
    6 For the groups that do be makin’ such predictions they don’t just be doin’ so randomly. There be a purpose to such actions and it be to maintain as much control of peoples that be followin’ them by usin’ fear.
    7 If a faith or religious practice be worthy of ya’lls time you will be findin’ that it don’t be preachin’ no negative messages whatsoever, you dig? True faith never be preachin’ fear.
    8 Part of what be the problem with crazy religious groups done settin’ specific dates of the Second Coming is that it do be encouragin’ seriously off-beat and erratic behavior.
    9 Not to mention, when the predictions don’t be comin’ true people be lookin’ like the silly assholes they are. On occasion the predictions can be endin’ in deadly fashion with group members killin’ theyselfs in anticipation of the Rapture.
    10 A long ass time ago in a California city, a non-denominational Christian group be spoutin’ off at the mouth not only about predictin’ the Second Coming, but goin’ so far as to say they would be convincin’ Jesus to be comin’ back sooner.
    11 How that be for bein’ cocky? Now, how this group said they would be doin’ this was by proselytizin’ in as many cities around the world as possible. They went so far as pickin’ members of they congregation an’ then tellin’ them which city to move to in order to be settin’ up another branch of that group.
    12 This group done also went so further by creatin’ Christian youth boot camps where these teenage kids would be completely brainwashed and indoctrinated, and then told to go out into The World and preach the Gospel of Disaster.
    13 These teenage kids were told what to be studyin’ in college and once they be havin’ they degrees they was expected to be donatin’ three full years followin’ they college graduation to be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster fulltime.
    14 Now, this church group be makin’ these kids feel so special and privileged that most of them, at least in the beginnin’, tried to do exactly as they were told.
    15 The church group even coined a catchy name for the groups of misled teens who would be doin’ this brick-a-brack : Fiery Future Full-Timers. Their assigned goal was to be convincin’ Jesus Christ to be returnin’ by 1993c.e.
    16 When this date be comin’ and then passin’ without any deity by the name of Jesus returnin’ triumphantly in mega clouds in the sky, a new return date of 1996c.e. was issued.
    17 Of course, the new date didn’t be pannin’ out either. Shee-it.
    18 Now, here be the paradox of those Christian groups that be claimin’ dates of Christ’s return, ’aight?
    19 In they own scriptures of the Gospel of Disaster that they be preachin’ it do clearly say that no man be knowin’ the time or the day of Jesus’ return. If that be the case, why the hell these muthas done keep tryin’ to predict the Second Comin’?
    20 Don’t they be seein’ how goddamn stupid this be makin’ them look? Not to mention it be makin’ them hypocrites since on the one hand they be sayin’ nobody be knowin’ when Jesus be back, then on the other hand they make a date for his return.
    21 Not exactly balanced an’ even thinkin’, is it?
    22 The fear that these predicted dates can be instillin’ in some people can be very damagin’ psychologically, so damaging in fact that some people won’t even be havin’ children and raisin’ a family since they believe there ain’t enough time to be doin’ that.

Chapter 2

    1 Next we will be discussin’ the tendency of many church groups to claim that they be havin’ the only proper information on how to be worshippin’ Jesus and what a believer must be doin’ and not doin’ in order to avoid eternity in hell.
    2 It be in this area that people be caught up in the ridiculously stupid argument of My-God-is-Better-Than-Your-God.
    3 Any group that be doin’ anything similar to this ain’t be worth the time in your day, you dig?
    4 Let us take the cult group we be talkin’ about in the previous chapter, ‘aight?
    5 What this group be doin’ is interpretin’ they scriptures in the manner that best suits the sit-gee-ation that they be in, ‘aight? They be masters of semantics, foh-shizzle.
    6 In they interpreted scriptures they be havin’ somethin’ that be called Calling on the Name of the Lord. What this be meanin’ is members of the church literally be callin’ out loud, Lord Jesus! Over and over and over and over and over and over. Truth be told, there ain’t be no problem with them doin’ this. It be their belief. No problem, ‘aight?
    7 Sometimes they be shoutin’ it. Sometimes they be whisperin’ it. When they be gettin’ a whole bunch of they members together and they be doin’ this it creates within’ they group a highly charged atmosphere, somethin’ very similar to mass hypnosis.
    8 The problem be startin’ when this group be pickin’ on other groups for not prayin’ this way. It be the truth that many groups do not practice this Calling on the Name of the Lord, and for the ones that don’t they be bein’ considered to be false faiths since they supposedly don’t be following’ the words of God to call on the Lord.
    9 Of course, it never be crossin’ the minds of the cult group that just because it be their interpretation of the verse to actually and literally call out the name of the Lord, that don’t be makin’ them right.
    10 But that don’t be matterin’ to them ‘cause they be consumed by they insistent desire to be the group with the only truth.
    11 Movin’ on about this group, they have taken all the verses in they bible that be sayin’ that idolatry be abominable and be applyin’ it these verses to every symbol of the Christian faith.
    12 Statues of holy figures or biblical characters or even crosses are simply not allowed in this church as such things are considered to be pagan and heathen. Even wearin’ necklaces with crosses ain’t be bein’ allowed.
    13 To this particular cult group, anyone who be possessin’ statues and crosses an’ shit be guilty of worshippin’ idols instead of Jesus and God.
    14 Here you can once again be seein’ they ridiculous desire to be right while everyone else done be wrong. Delusional, isn’t it?
    15 This silly cult group be so damn desperate in its search for finding shit wrong with the ways other groups be worshippin’. Allow me to be listin’ some of the things they say be wrong with the way other faiths worship God an’ Jesus:
    16 Baptism of babies ain’t workin’ ‘cause they be too little to be understandin’ what be goin’ on. Baptism only be countin’ when that person be older and fully submerged under water, you dig?
    17 The Lord’s Supper on Sundays, also known by some as Communion, cannot be taken by folks who ain’t been baptized or who ain’t be receivin’ Jesus in they hearts just like this group be sayin’ they ought to.
    18 If people don’t be tryin’ to proselytize to everyone within’ reachin’ distance by tryin’ to cram they version of salvation down the throats of others then they ain’t really Christians who be worshippin’ Jesus right.
    19 If people be speakin’ about anything other than what be in they bible then they ain’t be worshippin’ Jesus correctly and they ain’t gonna be looked upon with favor by Jesus.
    20 Accordin’ to this cult group it don’t be matterin’ whether or not you be somebody good like Mother Teresa, ‘cause if you don’t be worshippin’ like they do then yo’ ass still be grass.


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The Tenement Gospel 

(the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible New Testament)

From the Book of M'tew

Chapter 5 (Jesus' first Sermon)

    1 Jesus and his posse saw that the crowds tagging along were getting pretty big.
    2 Then Jesus climbed up on a soap box so that he could be heard and seen by all the people and he taught them the Tenement Gospel.
    3 Blessed are the poor in mental marbles, for their dumb asses simply can’t comprehend enough of what is really going on to know any better.
    4 Blessed are those who don’t bitch and moan, because no one really wants to hear their shit anyways.
    5 Blessed are the cheap for they understand that a penny saved is a penny earned.
    6 Blessed are the hungry for they will never have to worry about metamorphosing into a fatass.
    7 Blessed are the liquor stores for they sure as hell provide a lot more comfort than they take credit for.
    8 Blessed are the strong of heart for the chances of them having to get a pacemaker later on in life are virtually nil.
    9 Blessed are the troublemakers for they shall be called Sons of Bitches.
    10 Blessed are those who have been harassed by the self-righteous, for bullies always get what’s coming to them one way or another.
    11 Blessed are you when you are pushed around for not believing in God or Salvation, for it is written that you may believe in whatever the hell you want to believe in.
    12 If a plane leaves Orlando, Florida, at the same time another plane is leaving Seattle, Washington, and if both are traveling at six hundred clips per hour, who will reach Topeka, Kansas, first?
    13 Blessed are those who are tolerant for they shall find that people have far more things in common than those things that serve as points of separation.
    14 Blessed are those with bad credit and lots of debt, for they are the reason bill collectors have jobs in the first place.
    15 You are the salt of the earth, but remember if you get too full of yourself and press your luck your life will be peppered with disaster.
    16 You are the light of the world, but remember that not everyone can see that which illuminates their path or that which may free their mind.
    17 For it is true that some men will light a lamp and then place it under a bushel in an effort to keep that which is illuminated for themselves.
    18 Thus, when you find a lamp and light it’s wick, carry it before you so that all men who desire may walk the same lighted path as you, and that they may enjoy the same illuminated mind as you.
    19 Do not think that I came to prove everyone wrong or to riot or to start a revolution in this world; for it is written that Jesus shall come to start a revolution of the heart and soul of all those willing to learn the truth of love and liberty.
    20 And I swear this shit is true, that not one iota of anything on this chunk of rock in the Milky Way will change for the better until God’s creation gets his shit together and starts behaving properly.
    21 For eons you have heard politicians say don’t do this and don’t do that,
    22 But I say to you that these mother fuckers are always the ones to do what they are not supposed to do, these are they who persistently fuck things up for everybody.
    23 So, if you think you can help anyone to get their crap together, your ass had first best make sure your life is not in shambles,
    24 For he who couldn’t find his ass if it were a hole in the ground and he stepped in it is a waste of my goddamn time.
    25 If you decide to give your homey a gift, give it to him and get lost. Do not try to hang around looking for compliments and kiss-ass kudos.
    26 While you are in a cage fight be sure to give your opponent everything you’ve got right away,
    27 For I say to you that skipping around the cage, dodging a few kicks and punches, and waiting for the right moment to give a knockout punch is the absolute best way to get your pansy-ass kicked badly on national television.
    28 I am sure you have heard the phrase, Do not commit adultery.
    29 But I say to you that some people have a sex drive that is immeasurable, and with people around them wearing skimpy clothing they cannot help but to screw around for they cannot keep their hands to themselves.
    30 So, if your right eye causes you to stumble something is wrong, because your eye should be in its socket and not on the ground where your feet are.
    31 And if your right hand causes you to stumble this is your fault, for if your hand is still attached to your body this means you are tripping yourself up, you asshole.
    32 And it was said if two people do not wish to be hitched to each other anymore they should get a divorce,
    33 But I say, fuck that. Don’t get married in the first place. And, keep your private property and accounts just that, private. If you like each other and love each other, fine. Move in together.
    34 Then, if things don’t work out simply move out and take your shit with you.
    35 And you may have heard some politician or lawyer or other say, You shall not perjure yourself but shall swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
    36 But I say, screw that. Don’t tell the truth until you know for sure what the repercussions will be. And remember that pleading the Fifth Amendment is always an option.
    37 I am sure you have heard the ludicrous phrase, An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.
    38 Well, I say this is simply a snazzy saying crooked politicians and jackass individuals say in order to validate their feelings and actions of revenge.
    39 And I say to you, resist the evil and inconsiderate people around you.
    40 And if they strike you on one cheek you had best be sure to beat the shit out of them before they try to tag your other cheek.
    41 And if someone is standing before you and you are pretty sure they are going to hit you, be damn sure to hit them first and break them in a way no doctor can fix.
    42 And to those who would file suit against you, always file a counter suit.
    43 And for he who would try to convince you to go a mile with him, don’t, because you can put good money on it he will ask you to go another mile.
    44 To him who would ask something of you always ask why before you relent to his request; and to he who wants to borrow something tell him to get his own.
    45 I am sure you have heard the romantic ideal of loving your enemy and praying for those who persecute you.
    46 I say, screw that. Destroy your enemy and obliterate those who persecute you.
    47 And when you greet your brothers say, ‘Sup! What it is, my brother! Or, Hows’ it hangin’?
    48 And stop trying to be perfect, because everyone makes mistakes. Besides, man’s view of perfection is screwed up anyways,
    49 For perfection is not doing something without mistakes, but rather is the persistence to get up again and again and again and consistently trying until you at last succeed.




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