The Eighteenth Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible)

 The Tenement Gospel

(the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible)

The Book of Lemons
(the eighteenth book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Ya’ll who be prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster, ya’ll who be findin’ peace in the destruction of others,
    2 And to all the po’ mo’ fos who be wishin’ they never put theyselves into the grips of the Gospel of Disaster,
    3 Grace be to ya’ll, an’ so be peace unto you as well.
    4 I be thankin’ God every time I be prayin’ that I be recognizin’ the Tenement Gospel and not be drownin’ in the sea of hate that be created by the Gospel of Disaster.
    5 For I be hearin’ the preachin’ of the Gospel of Disaster talkin’ about the love of God and the salvation of they version of Jesus bein’ for everyone,
    6 But then I be hearin’ them be sayin’ that none of these things will be unless the person that be hearin’ this mumbo jumbo be droppin’ everything else, and only be taking the Gospel of Disaster as truth.
    7 And these muthas not be payin’ any mind that this ain’t no way to be behavin’. True fellowship ain’t be bein’ born out of separation and dividin’ lines,
    8 True fellowship ain’t be born of the ridiculous idea that there only be one way to be thinkin’ and believin’ in God and in truth.
    9 I be here beggin’ you to be comin’ around to your senses, ‘aight?
    10 I be here tryin’ to tell you that your faith be useless an’ harmful if it be somethin’ begotten in any kind of bondage.
    11 And the Gospel of Disaster be begotten in bondage of thought and be begotten in bondage of soul and be begotten in bondage of spirit and be begotten in bondage of mind.
    12 So, ya’ll best be doin’ yo’selves a big ass favor and be droppin’ that horse puckey, ‘aight?
    13 Because, an’ speakin’ frankly, my brothas, that shit be useless to you.
    14 Of course, without ya’ll payin’ no mind ain’t shit can be done about the shit you be in, aight?
    15 So, ya’ll voluntary be payin’ attention and be helpin’ to sort this shit out, you dig?
    16 Ya’ll don’t be needin’ to be no slaves to some crazy ass shit that be tellin’ you to be separatin’ yourselves from other brothas any way that you can be doin’ crazy shit like dat, ‘aight?
    17 Because, ya’ll know what, my brothas? Whether you be likin’ it or not, everybody be bein’ your brothas, you dig?
    18 And if you brothas be wrongin’ each otha’, then ya’lls need to be fixin’ that shit and not findin’ ways to be fuckin’ things up even more, you dig?
    19 Now you best be knowin’ that I be writin’ this shit my own self, ‘aight? And do you be knowin’ why I be doin’ that, brothas? I be doin’ it because I be givin’ a good goddamn about what be happnin’, ‘aight?
    20 Das right, my brothas, I be carin’ about you, and what be happnin’ to youz whether or not you be believin’ in the Tenement Gospel, ‘aight? And that be because das how real brothas be rollin’, you dig?
    21 Now I be confident that one a these days ya’ll goin’ get this shit right, Lord I knows it.
    22 And Lord also be knowin’ that I be preparin’ for the shit you goin’ be startin’ before ya’ll be gettin’ the truth.
    23 And all of my fellow brothas that used to be ya’lls fellow prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster be prayin’ for yo asses, you dig?
    24 And you may not be thinkin’ so accordin’ to yo lame ass Gospel of Disaster, but we all be workin’ for the good of all fellow brothas and sistas, you dig?
    25 The grace of everythin’ that be God, and everythin’ that be truth, and everythin’ that be love be with all you homeys out there, ‘aight? Peace out!

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The Seventeenth Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible)

 The Tenement Gospel

 (the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible)

The Book of T’aight
(the seventeenth book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 I once be a slave to the Gospel of Disaster, an apostle of a supposed faith that be drawin’ lines of separation, a faith that be sayin’, Our version of God be better than ya’lls version of God.
    2 Now they be sayin’ they be speakin’ for God who cannot lie, and who be makin’ promises since before anybody be rememberin’ anything.
    3 But youz has to be rememberin’ that while God won’t be lyin’, people still be lyin’. And guess what, ya’ll? That shit also be happnin’ since before anybody be rememberin’ anything.
    4 To all those brothas’ an’ sistas’ who be T’aight with they homeys believin’ different, may the Lord be blessin’ you.
    5 And to all those twisted muthas’ out there who be thinkin’ they be all special and they be the only ones God be savin’ for anything, well may the Lord be blessin’ ya’lls asses also…even though ya’ll be thinkin’ and doin’ some pretty messed up shit.
    6 Now the reason I be writin’ youz be pretty simple if you really be thinkin’ right, you dig?
    7 I be writin’ you so ya’ll be gettin’ things straight about the Tenement Gospel and the Gospel of Disaster, for if ya’lls don’t be knowin’ what the hell you be talkin’ about, then youz probably shouldn’t be talkin’ about it!
    8 First we be talkin’ about husbands and wives and they kids, ‘aight?
    9 And before I be gettin’ to that let me be sayin’ real quick here that there ain’t no damn thing wrong with people who be wantin’ to be makin’ kids without gettin’ married, you dig?
    10 So ya’ll don’t even be goin’ there, ‘aight?
    11 Now when a man and a woman be married and be havin’ kids, they best be good to each other, you dig? And, they best be good to they kids they be makin’.
    12 A man and a woman who be married don’t need to be beatin’ on each other, and they sure as hell don’t need to be beatin’ on they kids, you dig?
    13 And a man and a woman who be married to each other don’t need to be arguin’ about who gets to say what, about who makes the most money, about who works and who takes care of the kids, about who has the final say about anythin’,
    14 Because the only thing that be matterin’ is that everything they do be done for the good of the family, you dig?
    15 And the same thing be said about women and women who be lovin’ each other, and men and men who be lovin’ each other,
    16 They shouldn’t be hittin’ on each other and bein’ mean an’ shit, ‘aight?
    17 And the same thing be applyin’ to them if they be havin’ kids that they best not be beatin’ on them,
    18 For you can rest assur’ dat God be keepin’ eyes out for any kind of parents, men and women, or men and men and women and women, who be beatin’ on they kids or each other,
    19 And when God be seein’ them God be findin’ a way to teach they beatin’ ass a lesson…probably by way of a beatin’ just to show them some damn backwoods southern justice, my brothas.
    20 And now I need to be tellin’ you about those unruly mo’ fos who be sayin’ crazy shit, and sometimes they be sayin’ crazy shit for the sake of sayin’ crazy shit which be makin’ no goddamn sense, ‘aight?
    21 And these muthas’ be havin’ mouths big enough to be puttin’ houses in, along with one a them bargain basement shops an’ shit, you dig?
    22 And these muthas’ always be spoutin’ off about how the Cretans of the world always be lyin’, always be evil, and always be lazy muthas’.
    23 But half the time the truth a dat shit be that the muthas’ sayin’ this shit be the one who are Cretans because they be all of the bad things they be warnin’ everybody about not bein’.
    24 And it be these same kind of people who be baggin’ on the Tenement Gospel and be sayin’ shit that the Tenement Gospel be a myth that be created to turn folk away from the only real truth of the Gospel of Disaster.
    25 They be sayin’ that the Tenement Gospel ain’t pure and be defiled by those who be against the Gospel of Disaster.
    26 But the truth of it all be that the minds and the consciences of these muthas’ be impure and defiled by they desire to subjugate and rule and to claim greatness over another brotha’ and they beliefs,
    27 And while these muthas’ be actin’ a fool like this they be professin’ to be knowin’ God at the same time,
    28 But it be by they pointless works that be derivin’ from a desire to be a power monger over all that they be showin’ theyselves to be abominable, disobedient, and full of shit.

Chapter 2

    1 But for you who be believin’ in the Tenement Gospel and the things that be worthy of teachin’, so should you be goin’ out and be speakin’ of these things.
    2 Those muthas who be of an aged body should not be sober minded, thinkin’ that they be close to the grave.
    3 Instead, those men an’ women who be elderly ought to be of a happy demeanor, enjoyin’ they golden years and bein’ taken care of by they kids and they family and they friends.
    4 An’ if people be in love with someone then they best be lovin’ that someone with everything they got an’ everythin’ they are.
    5 And if people be wantin’ to raise kids then they best be raisin’ them with love and affection and tenderness and mercy,
    6 For to be raisin’ your kids in such a manner be the same thang as makin’ the world a better place, you dig?
    7 An’ for all youz who be in a relationship you best be rememberin’ that the man ain’t be better than the woman and the woman ain’t be better than the man,
    8 And if you be a woman and be in a lovin’ relationship with a woman you best be keepin’ in mind that neither a ya’ll be better than the other.
    9 And if you be a man and you be in a lovin’ relationship with a man you best be keepin’ in mind that neither of ya’ll be better than the other.
    10 And when you be doin’ good works you best be doin’ them for the sake of doin’ them, for the sake of goodness, and for the sake of remindin’ your heart what it be feelin’ like to help others.
    11 And remember that when you be speakin’ about healthy speakin’ and teachin’ good things, and when you be speakin’ about the good things that you be doin,’ you best do so with a good heart and a good mind and with good intentions.
    12 For healthy speech without a good heart and without good intentions is shameful, somethin’ to be condemned, and nothin’ short of evil.
    13 And anybody who be treatin’ another person like they was a slave needs to be taken out back and beaten like a red-headed step-child.
    14 And all muthas who be holdin’ positions of authority best be keepin’ in mind that don’t mean they have the right to be treatin’ other muthas like slaves, for if they be actin’ like such a fool they don’t be deserving’ the position they be havin’.
    15 And for whoever be teachin’ the grace of God, they best be rememberin’ that the grace of God and all salvation be for all muthas, you dig?
    16 God does not nor has he ever withheld or given grace and salvations to people based on they beliefs, they religions, they special churches, or they particular interpretations of any holy book or words.
    17 For God and all interpretations of God be for everyone, the grace of God be for everyone, the blessings of God be for everyone, the hope of God be for everyone, the faith of God be for everyone, and the greatness of God be for everyone.
    18 Speak of these things, ‘aight? And if any mo’ fos’ be troublin’ you and be despisin’ ya’ll don’t pay them muthas any mind, you dig?


For the full version of The Tenement Gospel: https://sites.google.com/site/esterlighthorse/customization

The Fourteenth Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible)

 The Tenement Gospel

 (the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible)

The Book of II ‘Lonians
(the fourteenth book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Well, how do it be for ya’ll, my brothas? I hope everything be well wit choo all and that the love that be fillin’ this universe be blessin’ youz.
    2 This here be Pablo an’ Cisco again, and this time what we goin’ to be doin’ is discussin’ specific behaviors of religious groups and specific instruction from the same that be clear indicators of that faith bein’ a cult.
    3 Ya’ll be payin’ attentions to what we be discussin’ so ya’ll don’t be endin’ up like the millions of mindless sheep out there already, you dig?
    4 First we will be discussin’ what we likes to be referrin’ to as the Special Knowledge Factor. The Special Knowledge Factor is a trait done experienced by any religious group that be claimin’ to have special knowledge of  Christ’s Second Comin’ to this planet.
    5 This be includin’ specific predictions of dates when the supposed Second Coming will happen. It would be behoovin’ ya’ll to be lookin’ up these crazy claims on the Internet just to be givin’ youz a little perspective of how often this be happnin’.
    6 For the groups that do be makin’ such predictions they don’t just be doin’ so randomly. There be a purpose to such actions and it be to maintain as much control of peoples that be followin’ them by usin’ fear.
    7 If a faith or religious practice be worthy of ya’lls time you will be findin’ that it don’t be preachin’ no negative messages whatsoever, you dig? True faith never be preachin’ fear.
    8 Part of what be the problem with crazy religious groups done settin’ specific dates of the Second Coming is that it do be encouragin’ seriously off-beat and erratic behavior.
    9 Not to mention, when the predictions don’t be comin’ true people be lookin’ like the silly assholes they are. On occasion the predictions can be endin’ in deadly fashion with group members killin’ theyselfs in anticipation of the Rapture.
    10 A long ass time ago in a California city, a non-denominational Christian group be spoutin’ off at the mouth not only about predictin’ the Second Coming, but goin’ so far as to say they would be convincin’ Jesus to be comin’ back sooner.
    11 How that be for bein’ cocky? Now, how this group said they would be doin’ this was by proselytizin’ in as many cities around the world as possible. They went so far as pickin’ members of they congregation an’ then tellin’ them which city to move to in order to be settin’ up another branch of that group.
    12 This group done also went so further by creatin’ Christian youth boot camps where these teenage kids would be completely brainwashed and indoctrinated, and then told to go out into The World and preach the Gospel of Disaster.
    13 These teenage kids were told what to be studyin’ in college and once they be havin’ they degrees they was expected to be donatin’ three full years followin’ they college graduation to be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster fulltime.
    14 Now, this church group be makin’ these kids feel so special and privileged that most of them, at least in the beginnin’, tried to do exactly as they were told.
    15 The church group even coined a catchy name for the groups of misled teens who would be doin’ this brick-a-brack : Fiery Future Full-Timers. Their assigned goal was to be convincin’ Jesus Christ to be returnin’ by 1993c.e.
    16 When this date be comin’ and then passin’ without any deity by the name of Jesus returnin’ triumphantly in mega clouds in the sky, a new return date of 1996c.e. was issued.
    17 Of course, the new date didn’t be pannin’ out either. Shee-it.
    18 Now, here be the paradox of those Christian groups that be claimin’ dates of Christ’s return, ’aight?
    19 In they own scriptures of the Gospel of Disaster that they be preachin’ it do clearly say that no man be knowin’ the time or the day of Jesus’ return. If that be the case, why the hell these muthas done keep tryin’ to predict the Second Comin’?
    20 Don’t they be seein’ how goddamn stupid this be makin’ them look? Not to mention it be makin’ them hypocrites since on the one hand they be sayin’ nobody be knowin’ when Jesus be back, then on the other hand they make a date for his return.
    21 Not exactly balanced an’ even thinkin’, is it?
    22 The fear that these predicted dates can be instillin’ in some people can be very damagin’ psychologically, so damaging in fact that some people won’t even be havin’ children and raisin’ a family since they believe there ain’t enough time to be doin’ that.

Chapter 2

    1 Next we will be discussin’ the tendency of many church groups to claim that they be havin’ the only proper information on how to be worshippin’ Jesus and what a believer must be doin’ and not doin’ in order to avoid eternity in hell.
    2 It be in this area that people be caught up in the ridiculously stupid argument of My-God-is-Better-Than-Your-God.
    3 Any group that be doin’ anything similar to this ain’t be worth the time in your day, you dig?
    4 Let us take the cult group we be talkin’ about in the previous chapter, ‘aight?
    5 What this group be doin’ is interpretin’ they scriptures in the manner that best suits the sit-gee-ation that they be in, ‘aight? They be masters of semantics, foh-shizzle.
    6 In they interpreted scriptures they be havin’ somethin’ that be called Calling on the Name of the Lord. What this be meanin’ is members of the church literally be callin’ out loud, Lord Jesus! Over and over and over and over and over and over. Truth be told, there ain’t be no problem with them doin’ this. It be their belief. No problem, ‘aight?
    7 Sometimes they be shoutin’ it. Sometimes they be whisperin’ it. When they be gettin’ a whole bunch of they members together and they be doin’ this it creates within’ they group a highly charged atmosphere, somethin’ very similar to mass hypnosis.
    8 The problem be startin’ when this group be pickin’ on other groups for not prayin’ this way. It be the truth that many groups do not practice this Calling on the Name of the Lord, and for the ones that don’t they be bein’ considered to be false faiths since they supposedly don’t be following’ the words of God to call on the Lord.
    9 Of course, it never be crossin’ the minds of the cult group that just because it be their interpretation of the verse to actually and literally call out the name of the Lord, that don’t be makin’ them right.
    10 But that don’t be matterin’ to them ‘cause they be consumed by they insistent desire to be the group with the only truth.
    11 Movin’ on about this group, they have taken all the verses in they bible that be sayin’ that idolatry be abominable and be applyin’ it these verses to every symbol of the Christian faith.
    12 Statues of holy figures or biblical characters or even crosses are simply not allowed in this church as such things are considered to be pagan and heathen. Even wearin’ necklaces with crosses ain’t be bein’ allowed.
    13 To this particular cult group, anyone who be possessin’ statues and crosses an’ shit be guilty of worshippin’ idols instead of Jesus and God.
    14 Here you can once again be seein’ they ridiculous desire to be right while everyone else done be wrong. Delusional, isn’t it?
    15 This silly cult group be so damn desperate in its search for finding shit wrong with the ways other groups be worshippin’. Allow me to be listin’ some of the things they say be wrong with the way other faiths worship God an’ Jesus:
    16 Baptism of babies ain’t workin’ ‘cause they be too little to be understandin’ what be goin’ on. Baptism only be countin’ when that person be older and fully submerged under water, you dig?
    17 The Lord’s Supper on Sundays, also known by some as Communion, cannot be taken by folks who ain’t been baptized or who ain’t be receivin’ Jesus in they hearts just like this group be sayin’ they ought to.
    18 If people don’t be tryin’ to proselytize to everyone within’ reachin’ distance by tryin’ to cram they version of salvation down the throats of others then they ain’t really Christians who be worshippin’ Jesus right.
    19 If people be speakin’ about anything other than what be in they bible then they ain’t be worshippin’ Jesus correctly and they ain’t gonna be looked upon with favor by Jesus.
    20 Accordin’ to this cult group it don’t be matterin’ whether or not you be somebody good like Mother Teresa, ‘cause if you don’t be worshippin’ like they do then yo’ ass still be grass.


To acquire the full version of The Tenement Gospel: https://sites.google.com/site/esterlighthorse/customization