The Tenement Gospel
(the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible)
The Book of II ‘Lonians
(the fourteenth book of The Tenement Gospel)
(the fourteenth book of The Tenement Gospel)
1 Well, how do it be for ya’ll, my brothas? I hope everything be well wit choo all and that the love that be fillin’ this universe be blessin’ youz.
2 This here be Pablo an’ Cisco again, and this time what we goin’ to be doin’ is discussin’ specific behaviors of religious groups and specific instruction from the same that be clear indicators of that faith bein’ a cult.
3 Ya’ll be payin’ attentions to what we be discussin’ so ya’ll don’t be endin’ up like the millions of mindless sheep out there already, you dig?
4 First we will be discussin’ what we likes to be referrin’ to as the Special Knowledge Factor. The Special Knowledge Factor is a trait done experienced by any religious group that be claimin’ to have special knowledge of Christ’s Second Comin’ to this planet.
5 This be includin’ specific predictions of dates when the supposed Second Coming will happen. It would be behoovin’ ya’ll to be lookin’ up these crazy claims on the Internet just to be givin’ youz a little perspective of how often this be happnin’.
6 For the groups that do be makin’ such predictions they don’t just be doin’ so randomly. There be a purpose to such actions and it be to maintain as much control of peoples that be followin’ them by usin’ fear.
7 If a faith or religious practice be worthy of ya’lls time you will be findin’ that it don’t be preachin’ no negative messages whatsoever, you dig? True faith never be preachin’ fear.
8 Part of what be the problem with crazy religious groups done settin’ specific dates of the Second Coming is that it do be encouragin’ seriously off-beat and erratic behavior.
9 Not to mention, when the predictions don’t be comin’ true people be lookin’ like the silly assholes they are. On occasion the predictions can be endin’ in deadly fashion with group members killin’ theyselfs in anticipation of the Rapture.
10 A long ass time ago in a California city, a non-denominational Christian group be spoutin’ off at the mouth not only about predictin’ the Second Coming, but goin’ so far as to say they would be convincin’ Jesus to be comin’ back sooner.
11 How that be for bein’ cocky? Now, how this group said they would be doin’ this was by proselytizin’ in as many cities around the world as possible. They went so far as pickin’ members of they congregation an’ then tellin’ them which city to move to in order to be settin’ up another branch of that group.
12 This group done also went so further by creatin’ Christian youth boot camps where these teenage kids would be completely brainwashed and indoctrinated, and then told to go out into The World and preach the Gospel of Disaster.
13 These teenage kids were told what to be studyin’ in college and once they be havin’ they degrees they was expected to be donatin’ three full years followin’ they college graduation to be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster fulltime.
14 Now, this church group be makin’ these kids feel so special and privileged that most of them, at least in the beginnin’, tried to do exactly as they were told.
15 The church group even coined a catchy name for the groups of misled teens who would be doin’ this brick-a-brack : Fiery Future Full-Timers. Their assigned goal was to be convincin’ Jesus Christ to be returnin’ by 1993c.e.
16 When this date be comin’ and then passin’ without any deity by the name of Jesus returnin’ triumphantly in mega clouds in the sky, a new return date of 1996c.e. was issued.
17 Of course, the new date didn’t be pannin’ out either. Shee-it.
18 Now, here be the paradox of those Christian groups that be claimin’ dates of Christ’s return, ’aight?
19 In they own scriptures of the Gospel of Disaster that they be preachin’ it do clearly say that no man be knowin’ the time or the day of Jesus’ return. If that be the case, why the hell these muthas done keep tryin’ to predict the Second Comin’?
20 Don’t they be seein’ how goddamn stupid this be makin’ them look? Not to mention it be makin’ them hypocrites since on the one hand they be sayin’ nobody be knowin’ when Jesus be back, then on the other hand they make a date for his return.
21 Not exactly balanced an’ even thinkin’, is it?
22 The fear that these predicted dates can be instillin’ in some people can be very damagin’ psychologically, so damaging in fact that some people won’t even be havin’ children and raisin’ a family since they believe there ain’t enough time to be doin’ that.
1 Next we will be discussin’ the tendency of many church groups to claim that they be havin’ the only proper information on how to be worshippin’ Jesus and what a believer must be doin’ and not doin’ in order to avoid eternity in hell.
2 It be in this area that people be caught up in the ridiculously stupid argument of My-God-is-Better-Than-Your-God.
3 Any group that be doin’ anything similar to this ain’t be worth the time in your day, you dig?
4 Let us take the cult group we be talkin’ about in the previous chapter, ‘aight?
5 What this group be doin’ is interpretin’ they scriptures in the manner that best suits the sit-gee-ation that they be in, ‘aight? They be masters of semantics, foh-shizzle.
6 In they interpreted scriptures they be havin’ somethin’ that be called Calling on the Name of the Lord. What this be meanin’ is members of the church literally be callin’ out loud, Lord Jesus! Over and over and over and over and over and over. Truth be told, there ain’t be no problem with them doin’ this. It be their belief. No problem, ‘aight?
7 Sometimes they be shoutin’ it. Sometimes they be whisperin’ it. When they be gettin’ a whole bunch of they members together and they be doin’ this it creates within’ they group a highly charged atmosphere, somethin’ very similar to mass hypnosis.
8 The problem be startin’ when this group be pickin’ on other groups for not prayin’ this way. It be the truth that many groups do not practice this Calling on the Name of the Lord, and for the ones that don’t they be bein’ considered to be false faiths since they supposedly don’t be following’ the words of God to call on the Lord.
9 Of course, it never be crossin’ the minds of the cult group that just because it be their interpretation of the verse to actually and literally call out the name of the Lord, that don’t be makin’ them right.
10 But that don’t be matterin’ to them ‘cause they be consumed by they insistent desire to be the group with the only truth.
11 Movin’ on about this group, they have taken all the verses in they bible that be sayin’ that idolatry be abominable and be applyin’ it these verses to every symbol of the Christian faith.
12 Statues of holy figures or biblical characters or even crosses are simply not allowed in this church as such things are considered to be pagan and heathen. Even wearin’ necklaces with crosses ain’t be bein’ allowed.
13 To this particular cult group, anyone who be possessin’ statues and crosses an’ shit be guilty of worshippin’ idols instead of Jesus and God.
14 Here you can once again be seein’ they ridiculous desire to be right while everyone else done be wrong. Delusional, isn’t it?
15 This silly cult group be so damn desperate in its search for finding shit wrong with the ways other groups be worshippin’. Allow me to be listin’ some of the things they say be wrong with the way other faiths worship God an’ Jesus:
16 Baptism of babies ain’t workin’ ‘cause they be too little to be understandin’ what be goin’ on. Baptism only be countin’ when that person be older and fully submerged under water, you dig?
17 The Lord’s Supper on Sundays, also known by some as Communion, cannot be taken by folks who ain’t been baptized or who ain’t be receivin’ Jesus in they hearts just like this group be sayin’ they ought to.
18 If people don’t be tryin’ to proselytize to everyone within’ reachin’ distance by tryin’ to cram they version of salvation down the throats of others then they ain’t really Christians who be worshippin’ Jesus right.
19 If people be speakin’ about anything other than what be in they bible then they ain’t be worshippin’ Jesus correctly and they ain’t gonna be looked upon with favor by Jesus.
20 Accordin’ to this cult group it don’t be matterin’ whether or not you be somebody good like Mother Teresa, ‘cause if you don’t be worshippin’ like they do then yo’ ass still be grass.
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