Friday, September 2, 2011

The Tenement Gospel 
(the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible New Testament)

From the Book of M'tew

Chapter 5 (Jesus' first Sermon)

    1 Jesus and his posse saw that the crowds tagging along were getting pretty big.
    2 Then Jesus climbed up on a soap box so that he could be heard and seen by all the people and he taught them the Tenement Gospel.
    3 Blessed are the poor in mental marbles, for their dumb asses simply can’t comprehend enough of what is really going on to know any better.
    4 Blessed are those who don’t bitch and moan, because no one really wants to hear their shit anyways.
    5 Blessed are the cheap for they understand that a penny saved is a penny earned.
    6 Blessed are the hungry for they will never have to worry about metamorphosing into a fatass.
    7 Blessed are the liquor stores for they sure as hell provide a lot more comfort than they take credit for.
    8 Blessed are the strong of heart for the chances of them having to get a pacemaker later on in life are virtually nil.
    9 Blessed are the troublemakers for they shall be called Sons of Bitches.
    10 Blessed are those who have been harassed by the self-righteous, for bullies always get what’s coming to them one way or another.
    11 Blessed are you when you are pushed around for not believing in God or Salvation, for it is written that you may believe in whatever the hell you want to believe in.
    12 If a plane leaves Orlando, Florida, at the same time another plane is leaving Seattle, Washington, and if both are traveling at six hundred clips per hour, who will reach Topeka, Kansas, first?
    13 Blessed are those who are tolerant for they shall find that people have far more things in common than those things that serve as points of separation.
    14 Blessed are those with bad credit and lots of debt, for they are the reason bill collectors have jobs in the first place.
    15 You are the salt of the earth, but remember if you get too full of yourself and press your luck your life will be peppered with disaster.
    16 You are the light of the world, but remember that not everyone can see that which illuminates their path or that which may free their mind.
    17 For it is true that some men will light a lamp and then place it under a bushel in an effort to keep that which is illuminated for themselves.
    18 Thus, when you find a lamp and light it’s wick, carry it before you so that all men who desire may walk the same lighted path as you, and that they may enjoy the same illuminated mind as you.
    19 Do not think that I came to prove everyone wrong or to riot or to start a revolution in this world; for it is written that Jesus shall come to start a revolution of the heart and soul of all those willing to learn the truth of love and liberty.
    20 And I swear this shit is true, that not one iota of anything on this chunk of rock in the Milky Way will change for the better until God’s creation gets his shit together and starts behaving properly.
    21 For eons you have heard politicians say don’t do this and don’t do that,
    22 But I say to you that these mother fuckers are always the ones to do what they are not supposed to do, these are they who persistently fuck things up for everybody.
    23 So, if you think you can help anyone to get their crap together, your ass had first best make sure your life is not in shambles,
    24 For he who couldn’t find his ass if it were a hole in the ground and he stepped in it is a waste of my goddamn time.
    25 If you decide to give your homey a gift, give it to him and get lost. Do not try to hang around looking for compliments and kiss-ass kudos.
    26 While you are in a cage fight be sure to give your opponent everything you’ve got right away,
    27 For I say to you that skipping around the cage, dodging a few kicks and punches, and waiting for the right moment to give a knockout punch is the absolute best way to get your pansy-ass kicked badly on national television.
    28 I am sure you have heard the phrase, Do not commit adultery.
    29 But I say to you that some people have a sex drive that is immeasurable, and with people around them wearing skimpy clothing they cannot help but to screw around for they cannot keep their hands to themselves.
    30 So, if your right eye causes you to stumble something is wrong, because your eye should be in its socket and not on the ground where your feet are.
    31 And if your right hand causes you to stumble this is your fault, for if your hand is still attached to your body this means you are tripping yourself up, you asshole.
    32 And it was said if two people do not wish to be hitched to each other anymore they should get a divorce,
    33 But I say, fuck that. Don’t get married in the first place. And, keep your private property and accounts just that, private. If you like each other and love each other, fine. Move in together.
    34 Then, if things don’t work out simply move out and take your shit with you.
    35 And you may have heard some politician or lawyer or other say, You shall not perjure yourself but shall swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
    36 But I say, screw that. Don’t tell the truth until you know for sure what the repercussions will be. And remember that pleading the Fifth Amendment is always an option.
    37 I am sure you have heard the ludicrous phrase, An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.
    38 Well, I say this is simply a snazzy saying crooked politicians and jackass individuals say in order to validate their feelings and actions of revenge.
    39 And I say to you, resist the evil and inconsiderate people around you.
    40 And if they strike you on one cheek you had best be sure to beat the shit out of them before they try to tag your other cheek.
    41 And if someone is standing before you and you are pretty sure they are going to hit you, be damn sure to hit them first and break them in a way no doctor can fix.
    42 And to those who would file suit against you, always file a counter suit.
    43 And for he who would try to convince you to go a mile with him, don’t, because you can put good money on it he will ask you to go another mile.
    44 To him who would ask something of you always ask why before you relent to his request; and to he who wants to borrow something tell him to get his own.
    45 I am sure you have heard the romantic ideal of loving your enemy and praying for those who persecute you.
    46 I say, screw that. Destroy your enemy and obliterate those who persecute you.
    47 And when you greet your brothers say, ‘Sup! What it is, my brother! Or, Hows’ it hangin’?
    48 And stop trying to be perfect, because everyone makes mistakes. Besides, man’s view of perfection is screwed up anyways,
    49 For perfection is not doing something without mistakes, but rather is the persistence to get up again and again and again and consistently trying until you at last succeed.

For the rest of the REAL version of the original translations of the Holy Bible:

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