Friday, September 2, 2011

The Eighteenth Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible)

 The Tenement Gospel
(the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible)

The Book of Lemons
(the eighteenth book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Ya’ll who be prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster, ya’ll who be findin’ peace in the destruction of others,
    2 And to all the po’ mo’ fos who be wishin’ they never put theyselves into the grips of the Gospel of Disaster,
    3 Grace be to ya’ll, an’ so be peace unto you as well.
    4 I be thankin’ God every time I be prayin’ that I be recognizin’ the Tenement Gospel and not be drownin’ in the sea of hate that be created by the Gospel of Disaster.
    5 For I be hearin’ the preachin’ of the Gospel of Disaster talkin’ about the love of God and the salvation of they version of Jesus bein’ for everyone,
    6 But then I be hearin’ them be sayin’ that none of these things will be unless the person that be hearin’ this mumbo jumbo be droppin’ everything else, and only be taking the Gospel of Disaster as truth.
    7 And these muthas not be payin’ any mind that this ain’t no way to be behavin’. True fellowship ain’t be bein’ born out of separation and dividin’ lines,
    8 True fellowship ain’t be born of the ridiculous idea that there only be one way to be thinkin’ and believin’ in God and in truth.
    9 I be here beggin’ you to be comin’ around to your senses, ‘aight?
    10 I be here tryin’ to tell you that your faith be useless an’ harmful if it be somethin’ begotten in any kind of bondage.
    11 And the Gospel of Disaster be begotten in bondage of thought and be begotten in bondage of soul and be begotten in bondage of spirit and be begotten in bondage of mind.
    12 So, ya’ll best be doin’ yo’selves a big ass favor and be droppin’ that horse puckey, ‘aight?
    13 Because, an’ speakin’ frankly, my brothas, that shit be useless to you.
    14 Of course, without ya’ll payin’ no mind ain’t shit can be done about the shit you be in, aight?
    15 So, ya’ll voluntary be payin’ attention and be helpin’ to sort this shit out, you dig?
    16 Ya’ll don’t be needin’ to be no slaves to some crazy ass shit that be tellin’ you to be separatin’ yourselves from other brothas any way that you can be doin’ crazy shit like dat, ‘aight?
    17 Because, ya’ll know what, my brothas? Whether you be likin’ it or not, everybody be bein’ your brothas, you dig?
    18 And if you brothas be wrongin’ each otha’, then ya’lls need to be fixin’ that shit and not findin’ ways to be fuckin’ things up even more, you dig?
    19 Now you best be knowin’ that I be writin’ this shit my own self, ‘aight? And do you be knowin’ why I be doin’ that, brothas? I be doin’ it because I be givin’ a good goddamn about what be happnin’, ‘aight?
    20 Das right, my brothas, I be carin’ about you, and what be happnin’ to youz whether or not you be believin’ in the Tenement Gospel, ‘aight? And that be because das how real brothas be rollin’, you dig?
    21 Now I be confident that one a these days ya’ll goin’ get this shit right, Lord I knows it.
    22 And Lord also be knowin’ that I be preparin’ for the shit you goin’ be startin’ before ya’ll be gettin’ the truth.
    23 And all of my fellow brothas that used to be ya’lls fellow prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster be prayin’ for yo asses, you dig?
    24 And you may not be thinkin’ so accordin’ to yo lame ass Gospel of Disaster, but we all be workin’ for the good of all fellow brothas and sistas, you dig?
    25 The grace of everythin’ that be God, and everythin’ that be truth, and everythin’ that be love be with all you homeys out there, ‘aight? Peace out!

For the full version of The Tenement Gospel:

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