Friday, September 2, 2011

The Seventeenth Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible)

 The Tenement Gospel
 (the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible)

The Book of T’aight
(the seventeenth book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 I once be a slave to the Gospel of Disaster, an apostle of a supposed faith that be drawin’ lines of separation, a faith that be sayin’, Our version of God be better than ya’lls version of God.
    2 Now they be sayin’ they be speakin’ for God who cannot lie, and who be makin’ promises since before anybody be rememberin’ anything.
    3 But youz has to be rememberin’ that while God won’t be lyin’, people still be lyin’. And guess what, ya’ll? That shit also be happnin’ since before anybody be rememberin’ anything.
    4 To all those brothas’ an’ sistas’ who be T’aight with they homeys believin’ different, may the Lord be blessin’ you.
    5 And to all those twisted muthas’ out there who be thinkin’ they be all special and they be the only ones God be savin’ for anything, well may the Lord be blessin’ ya’lls asses also…even though ya’ll be thinkin’ and doin’ some pretty messed up shit.
    6 Now the reason I be writin’ youz be pretty simple if you really be thinkin’ right, you dig?
    7 I be writin’ you so ya’ll be gettin’ things straight about the Tenement Gospel and the Gospel of Disaster, for if ya’lls don’t be knowin’ what the hell you be talkin’ about, then youz probably shouldn’t be talkin’ about it!
    8 First we be talkin’ about husbands and wives and they kids, ‘aight?
    9 And before I be gettin’ to that let me be sayin’ real quick here that there ain’t no damn thing wrong with people who be wantin’ to be makin’ kids without gettin’ married, you dig?
    10 So ya’ll don’t even be goin’ there, ‘aight?
    11 Now when a man and a woman be married and be havin’ kids, they best be good to each other, you dig? And, they best be good to they kids they be makin’.
    12 A man and a woman who be married don’t need to be beatin’ on each other, and they sure as hell don’t need to be beatin’ on they kids, you dig?
    13 And a man and a woman who be married to each other don’t need to be arguin’ about who gets to say what, about who makes the most money, about who works and who takes care of the kids, about who has the final say about anythin’,
    14 Because the only thing that be matterin’ is that everything they do be done for the good of the family, you dig?
    15 And the same thing be said about women and women who be lovin’ each other, and men and men who be lovin’ each other,
    16 They shouldn’t be hittin’ on each other and bein’ mean an’ shit, ‘aight?
    17 And the same thing be applyin’ to them if they be havin’ kids that they best not be beatin’ on them,
    18 For you can rest assur’ dat God be keepin’ eyes out for any kind of parents, men and women, or men and men and women and women, who be beatin’ on they kids or each other,
    19 And when God be seein’ them God be findin’ a way to teach they beatin’ ass a lesson…probably by way of a beatin’ just to show them some damn backwoods southern justice, my brothas.
    20 And now I need to be tellin’ you about those unruly mo’ fos who be sayin’ crazy shit, and sometimes they be sayin’ crazy shit for the sake of sayin’ crazy shit which be makin’ no goddamn sense, ‘aight?
    21 And these muthas’ be havin’ mouths big enough to be puttin’ houses in, along with one a them bargain basement shops an’ shit, you dig?
    22 And these muthas’ always be spoutin’ off about how the Cretans of the world always be lyin’, always be evil, and always be lazy muthas’.
    23 But half the time the truth a dat shit be that the muthas’ sayin’ this shit be the one who are Cretans because they be all of the bad things they be warnin’ everybody about not bein’.
    24 And it be these same kind of people who be baggin’ on the Tenement Gospel and be sayin’ shit that the Tenement Gospel be a myth that be created to turn folk away from the only real truth of the Gospel of Disaster.
    25 They be sayin’ that the Tenement Gospel ain’t pure and be defiled by those who be against the Gospel of Disaster.
    26 But the truth of it all be that the minds and the consciences of these muthas’ be impure and defiled by they desire to subjugate and rule and to claim greatness over another brotha’ and they beliefs,
    27 And while these muthas’ be actin’ a fool like this they be professin’ to be knowin’ God at the same time,
    28 But it be by they pointless works that be derivin’ from a desire to be a power monger over all that they be showin’ theyselves to be abominable, disobedient, and full of shit.

Chapter 2

    1 But for you who be believin’ in the Tenement Gospel and the things that be worthy of teachin’, so should you be goin’ out and be speakin’ of these things.
    2 Those muthas who be of an aged body should not be sober minded, thinkin’ that they be close to the grave.
    3 Instead, those men an’ women who be elderly ought to be of a happy demeanor, enjoyin’ they golden years and bein’ taken care of by they kids and they family and they friends.
    4 An’ if people be in love with someone then they best be lovin’ that someone with everything they got an’ everythin’ they are.
    5 And if people be wantin’ to raise kids then they best be raisin’ them with love and affection and tenderness and mercy,
    6 For to be raisin’ your kids in such a manner be the same thang as makin’ the world a better place, you dig?
    7 An’ for all youz who be in a relationship you best be rememberin’ that the man ain’t be better than the woman and the woman ain’t be better than the man,
    8 And if you be a woman and be in a lovin’ relationship with a woman you best be keepin’ in mind that neither a ya’ll be better than the other.
    9 And if you be a man and you be in a lovin’ relationship with a man you best be keepin’ in mind that neither of ya’ll be better than the other.
    10 And when you be doin’ good works you best be doin’ them for the sake of doin’ them, for the sake of goodness, and for the sake of remindin’ your heart what it be feelin’ like to help others.
    11 And remember that when you be speakin’ about healthy speakin’ and teachin’ good things, and when you be speakin’ about the good things that you be doin,’ you best do so with a good heart and a good mind and with good intentions.
    12 For healthy speech without a good heart and without good intentions is shameful, somethin’ to be condemned, and nothin’ short of evil.
    13 And anybody who be treatin’ another person like they was a slave needs to be taken out back and beaten like a red-headed step-child.
    14 And all muthas who be holdin’ positions of authority best be keepin’ in mind that don’t mean they have the right to be treatin’ other muthas like slaves, for if they be actin’ like such a fool they don’t be deserving’ the position they be havin’.
    15 And for whoever be teachin’ the grace of God, they best be rememberin’ that the grace of God and all salvation be for all muthas, you dig?
    16 God does not nor has he ever withheld or given grace and salvations to people based on they beliefs, they religions, they special churches, or they particular interpretations of any holy book or words.
    17 For God and all interpretations of God be for everyone, the grace of God be for everyone, the blessings of God be for everyone, the hope of God be for everyone, the faith of God be for everyone, and the greatness of God be for everyone.
    18 Speak of these things, ‘aight? And if any mo’ fos’ be troublin’ you and be despisin’ ya’ll don’t pay them muthas any mind, you dig?

For the full version of The Tenement Gospel:

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