Saturday, September 3, 2011

The Twenty-Sixth Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible New Testament)

The Tenement Gospel
(the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible New Testament)

The Book of Judes
(the twenty-sixth book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Yo, dog! This be Judes, no longer a slave to The Man, I am the brotha to all those with brothas from another mutha! Released on bond and kept home by some ankle jewelry!
    2 Whut-up! May the love and piece of a sexy lady be upon you, foh-shizzle!
    3 Fallin’ back on my fifth grade edumacation, I be writin’ you ‘bout the salvation for us all. I had tuh be writin’ you’z so I be sure you be preachin’ the most ho-leh Tenement Gospel.
    4 Now it be the truth that some half-ass pimp daddies be sneakin’ in and tryin’ tuh change the Tenement Gospel, trying to hide the richness from the po’ folk.
    5 Neh’ mind that shit, ‘cause ya’ll know I be tellin’ that gumbo straight up, ‘aight? Don’ be messin’ with no bullshit some punk be tellin’ you that Tenement Gospel ain’t true.
    6 And those pimp punks that be tryin’ to tell you what to be doin’ even though they be fuckin’ they own shit up and shittin’ where they be eatin,’ well they got another thing coming their way, baby.
    7 So don’t you be all worryin’ an shit, ‘aight?
    8 Ya’ll be leavin’ them doomsday an’ hellfire damnation crackpots alone, you get me, dog? You cain’t be tellin’ them truth if they ain’t lisnin’. You know why?
    9 Cause these mother fuckers be crazy, dog! If you be standin’ on dry land and breathin’ air these dudes be jumpin’ in the ocean and try breathin’ under water just to spite you.
    10 Shee-it. Ya’ll don’t be needin’ no jive turkeys like that, fuck no!
    11 Now these dudes be sayin’ that God nuked Sodom and Gomorrah just ‘cause they like sex and they be homos and lesbos.
    12 But this ain’t the truth, brotha! God ain’t like that, no way an’ hell no!
    13 See, the Tenement Gospel be sayin’ that love be patient, kind, forgiving, non-judgmental, an’ it be goin’ on forever.
    14 The Tenement Gospel also be sayin’ that God himself is love, see.
    15 If y’all take the time to connect the dots you be seein’ that if God be love, foh-shizzle he is, there ain’t no way he be sendin’ people to hell. Wanna know why, dog?
    16 He cain’t send them to hell ‘cause he be love, ‘aight? An’ if he be love then he also be forgiving. An’ if he be love then he also go on forever. And if he goes on forever and be forgiving at the same time,
    17 Then he forgive everybody for all the stupid shit they done do…forever. An’ it don’t matter if they ask forgiveness or not, and it doesn’t matter whether or not they be believin’ on God or not,
    18 For if love is non-judgmental, then God is also not gonna be pickin’ who he feel like forgivin’ and not forgivin’.
    19 And the same mo’ fos that be sayin’ this shit also be sayin’ that sex an’ pleasure be bad, that partyin’ be bad, that money be bad, and that position and influences be bad.
    20 But these dudes don’t be knowin’ any better ‘cause they be wrapped up in thinkin’ they better ‘cause of what they be believin’ in.
    21 And these mutha fuckas be arguin’ against whatever they don’t know, and whatever they don’t be understandin’, and whatever they be feelin’ is against them an’ opposite of what they be thinkin’ is truth.
    22 And the hearts of these assholes be corrupted by their thinkin’ that there be only one answer to everything, that there be only one truth and only one straight line to that truth.
    23 Well, I feel sorry for these mutha fuckas because they be goin’ the way of Cain when he killed his brotha and then left his homeland without makin’ things right.
    24 These beanbag for brains jack-offs be just like the muthas that plotted against Korah an’ his gang and called on the power of the God they understood to destroy Korah and his gang,
    25 Just because Korah an’ his company be belivin’ in Balaam.
    26 And these muthas try to mask their desire to subjugate those who believe differently and live differently, but they cain’t be hidin’ the dark whispers of superiority in their hearts.
    27 For they live in constant fear of a day that may or may not come ‘cording to whatever religious text they be translatin’.
    28 And these muthas say, Come, throw down with us so you be escapin’ judgment from a terribly angry God who is really a lovin’ God.
    29 Come with us an’ love like we do, talk like we do, walk like we do, think like we do, eat what we eat, see what we see, and spread our Gospel of Disaster by livin’ in fear just as we do.
    30 But these muthas don’t be seein’ that by bein’ this way they wander the eternity of their lives in gloomy darkness.
    31 And even Enoch, a descendant of Adam, prophesied about muthas like these fuckas and said,
    32 Behold, there shall be those who be sayin’ they be the only ones of the Lord, and who shall proclaim they be the only saints of God,
    33 And they shall be expert guilders of the languages of all men, master manipulators who shall cause men to forget that we are all God, and in God, and of God, and for God, and possessing of the powers of God,
    34 And these men shall be settin’ muthas against one another by complanin’, murmuring, and sayin’ ridiculous shit that only serves to make people angry with one another;
    35 But you be remainin’ strong and remember the words of the Tenement Gospel that be commandin’ you to live your life to love, and love your life to live,
    36 Bein’ mindful of the wonderful joy of many paths and the beauty of many faiths and truths. Such be the words of Enoch.
    37 Don’t be forgettin’ that those mutha fuckas who make purposeful separations between the nations of the earth and of the universe have fuckin’ ugly spirits and little black hearts that find joy in the supposed greater spiritual value and choices of some men over others.
    38 But you, homey, know this and be keepin’ it in your heart: There is common ground and joy in everything, and that, in and of itself, is absolutely holy.
    39 For when you be seein’ many different faiths, you should also be seein’ that the common ground ‘tween them all is the fact that they all be faith.
    40 And when you be hearin’ the prayin’ and chantin’ and invocations and spells and spiritual commands of many faiths, you should also be hearin’ that they all be prayer.
    41 And when you be witnessin’ love ‘tween two people whether it be two men, two women, or a man and a woman, you should also be understandin’ in your heart an’ mindful in your spirit that you are witnessin’ love, and love be one of the few absolutes in this universe.
    42 Now it be hard for some mutha fuckas to understand the grace of the Tenement Gospel, so you be havin’ some mercy on them. ‘Course, that don’t be meanin’ you have to take they shit if they decide to try to give it to you.
    43 If you can, save them mo’ fos from the bullshit they be tryin’ to peddle to the rest of the world. Save them from gettin’ burned by the fire of the crap they be creating.
    44 Just you be rememberin’, homey, they be those who you cain’t be savin’ until they hit the ground first. Some muthas just don’t be learnin’ until something’ bad be sneakin’ up on they ass.
    45 So, you be keepin’ the words of God in the Tenement Gospel very near and dear to your heart, know what I’m sayin’, for to honor that which is God is to honor yourself, and to honor yourself is to honor your fellow man.
    46 To God be all the glory forever an’ ever, foh-shizzle! Amen.

For more of what is discussed in The Tenement Gospel:

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