Saturday, September 3, 2011

The Twenty-First Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible New Testament)

 The Tenement Gospel
 (the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible New Testament)

The Book of I Pete
(the twenty-first book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Yo, dog! I be Pete, a studier an’ teacher of the Tenement Gospel, and I be here talkin’ about and layin’ some groundwork of the Tenement Gospel.
    2 Now let there be many a blessin’ on the vastness of God and truth, and all understandin’ to be searchin’ salvations.
    3 For it be through the Tenement Gospel that we be learnin’ that we all be livin’ eternally, each life we be livin’ drawin’ us closer and deeper into the joy of the Tenement Gospel and the love it be teachin’ us is all around us and in us.
    4 And once you be opening’ your heart and mind and inheritin’ the truth of all that is God there ain’t no goin’ back.
    5 Be rememberin’ the real truth of God and all that be makin’ up God, but don’t be holdin’ such truth only to yourselfs, but be showin’ it to everyone for we all be in salvations anyways.
    6 And though the trial that be caused by those wallowin’ in the Gospel of Disaster can be some fucked-up shit at times, don’t let this be makin’ you have a sorrowful heart.
    7 For those muthas of the Gospel of Disaster don’t be realizing’ that faith don’t be needed to be proven any more than a person be needin’ to be provin’ that they be breathin’ air.
    8 The muthas who be behavin’ like this cain’t see the love and the joy that be natural within’ theyselfs. Because of this they don’t be understandin’ that they be puttin’ theyselfs into voluntary spiritual exile.
    9 It be by the twisted, obtusely critical virtues of the Gospel of Disaster that some brothas be findin’ answers to they questions of God unanswered an’ criticized.
    10 When you be considerin’ the gifts of salvations ya’ll just better be keeping’ in mind that there are prophets who be yakin’ that salvation only be for set groups of muthas and brothas.
    11 They will be crazily adamant that if you be worshippin’ with them, well then that be makin’ you able to get yourselfs some salvation.
    12 But these same mutha fuckas be tryin’ to keep salvation away from brothas who don’t follow a fellowship of their likin’, who don’t be yakin’ the Gospel of Disaster, and even those who don’t be worshippin’ God in the first place.
    13 But the best thing ya’ll can be doin’ is to open the hope that be in your heart with the Tenement Gospel.
    14 As people who be havin’ workin’ brains ya’ll don’t be dragged down by the lunacy of the Gospel of Disaster.
    15 But ya’ll be livin’ accordin’ to the endless truths an’ endless love that naturally be in you and of you and for you.
    16 And this be the truth, foh-shizzle, that you be holy, my brotha. Just like I be holy. We all be holy, my brotha, because God be in all of us and God be bein’ the ultimate holy, ‘aight?
    17 And no matter where you be goin’ or what you be doin’ ya’ll best be rememberin’ that you never be travelin’ alone.
    18 For if you be rememberin’ that God be in you then you shall never be travelin’ in fear, and you shall never be workin’ alone, an’ if you be havin’ any sorrow it shall be turned into joy, for the love that be God be in you and for you and of you.
    19 Ya’ll need to be knowin’ that by openin’ your heart and your mind that you be redeemed by the love of God that be in you.
    20 And youz should never be forgettin’ that ya’lls cain’t be redeemed by any one faith, or any one interpretation of God, or by insidious words of the Gospel of Disaster.
    21 And no matter how much those who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster may be claimin’ they don’t be knowin’ the foundations of this world, and they sure as fuck don’t be knowin’ what be happnin’ in the future,
    22 What I can be telling’ ya’lls is the future sho’ ain’t gonna be some big-assed, fangdangled judgment where God be throwin’ masses of people into a lake that be made up of fire all ‘cause they don’t be believin’ in the Gospel of Disaster.
    23 The Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ that it be incorruptible, but this ain’t the case, homey, ‘cause this terrible gospel be used by all kinds of people to separate, divide, and destroy.
    24 And for those that be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster, well homey, they ass be grass ‘cause they ain’t ever goin’ be seein’ the glory of everthin’ around them ‘cause they asses of grass be withered an’ shit.
    25 But, in the end it really don’t be matterin’ what the hell ding-dongs who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster have to say about anythin’, ‘cause the words of God and all this is God be goin’ on forever, ‘aight?

Chapter 2

    1 Now ya’ll who be bitchin’ and moanin’ about the different faiths in God that people be havin’ need to be droppin’ that shit. The religious card is well beyond overplayed, ya’ll. I grow weary of hearin’ dat shit.
    2 Ya’ll be bickerin’ about how to be believin’ in God like you was a couple of friggin’ babies arguin’ over a bottle of milk.
    3 Part of the problem be that some of ya’ll crazy muthas out there be gettin’ to love the taste of God in the grips of religious superiority.
    4 You say you be havin’ a livin’ stone and be God’s chosen an’ held high in his honor.
    5 But ya’ll don’t be seein’ that you be the ones who be like stones, stones in ya’lls heads. Ya’ll be regularly behavin’ like youz be dumber than a box of rocks.
    6 What be makin’ things worse be the fact that when a whole bunch of ya’ll rock heads be gettin’ together you be thinkin’ you be buildin’ spiritual houses, churches, priesthood, an’ religious sacrifices that be pleasin’ to God.
    7 But you stupid muthas don’t be seein’ that God don’t be wantin’ any of these damn things.
    8 And those people who be wise be understandin’ that if a stone be a stumblin’ block to the builders, then the builders be throwin’ out the offendin’ stones.
    9 There be those muthas of the Gospel of Disaster who be sayin’ they be a chosen race, royal priests designated by God, a people in possession of a holy nation that be possessin’ the only light in a universe of darkness.
    10 Well, I be telling’ you what. These muthas be soundin’ exactly like the friggin’ Nazis and they dumb ass spin on God makin’ them a master race, an’ shit.
    11 Now I be beggin’ everybody, ‘aight, that ya’ll stop youz stupid fightin’ over whose version of God an’ religion be the right one.
    12 If ya’ll could get to the point of stoppin’ youz stupid fightin’ over God ya’ll would be havin’ a most excellent manner of life.
    13 But ya’ll be speakin’ against each other, callin’ each others’ worshippin’ practices evil an’ crappin’ on each others’ good works, sayin’ God won’t be givin’ no damn care about them in his day of visitation.
    14 But I say all you muthas be on crack, you dig? ‘Cause God don’t need to be doin’ no visitin’ of a place where he already be, am I catchin’ you on the five-by, homey?
    15 And ya’ll need to be workin’ harder at doin’ more good works and improvin’ your societies and gub’ments, for to be improvin’ yo self and all the things that be around you, well homey, then you be doin’ the will of God.
    16 Ya’ll don’t be understandin’ that youz don’t need to be makin’ all ya’lls self prisoners and slaves of ya’lls faith. There ain’t no truth in that shit, neither be there any love or peace or hope in it.
    17 Ya’ll need to be honorin’ each other and also honorin’ the different beliefs ya’ll be havin’. Ya’ll need to be showin’ each other love an’ respect.
    18 Ya’ll don’t be needin’ to be treatin’ each other shabbily just ‘cause you not be likin’ different truths and interpretations of God. Stop treatin’ each other badly just ‘cause you be fearin’ different interpretations of reality.
    19 An’ if you be workin’ for someone who be treatin’ you bad an’ shit, or they be askin’ you to be doin’ shit that you know be wrong, then don’t be subjectin’ youzselfs to dat shit. Don’t be standin’ for dat crapola.
    20 For part of what grace be is the courage to be standin’ up for what be right even if you be scared of what some psycho muthas out there in the world might be doin’ when you be telling’ them to take they job and shove it.
    21 And ya’ll be rememberin’ that youz don’t need to be puttin’ youzselfs in positions where you be sufferin’ for one reason or ‘nother.
    22 An’ it don’t be matterin’ what the fuck the hobos of the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ when they say dat sufferin’ be good an’ be buildin’ endurance to find God and the grace of God,
    23 ‘Cause talk like this don’t be makin’ no sense no how, you dig?
    24 An’ a gospel that be teachin’ sufferin’ as part of they core dogma be havin’ some serious problems anyway. I still don’t be understandin’ why people be believing’ in crazy shit like dat.
    25 Now some folk be sayin’ that just ‘cause Jesus be sufferin’ when he be here that people should also be sufferin’ when they here, but that crazy gumbo don’t be makin’ the proper connections now, do it?
    26 That shit make just about as much sense as cookin’ the microwave in the burrito instead of the other way around, ‘aight? The only reason Jesus be sufferin’ when he be here was because people around him be doin’ it to him.
    27 Ya’ll seriously think that Jesus wanted that shit to happin’ to him, or that God made Jesus be goin’ through all dat on purpose? And these muthas be sayin’ they God be a lovin’ God,
    28 Shee-it! He be soundin’ like one of those fuckas who fall in the category of, With friends like these, who be needin’ enemies?
    29 All those who be following’ the Gospel of Disaster be like sheep bein’ led astray.

For the full version of The Tenement Gospel:

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