Thursday, September 1, 2011

God IS a Healer!!

Little Known Syndromes and Maladies
By: God the Healer

    I would like to discuss a considerable number of syndromes and maladies that for some reason or other modern medicine ignores. It is in my opinion that the continued existence of man within the eternal loop of time hinges precariously on whether or not these health issues are recognized, treated, controlled, and possibly eradicated altogether. Without further ado I will recount what I discovered more than a time and a half ago. I am hopeful that you will take the initiative to address these serious, often lethal illnesses. First I will list various syndromes and then I will list other diseases.

    1. Stupid Syndrome (SS)
    While many members of society claim above average intelligence many of these same individuals suffer from SS. Examples of individuals with SS include panhandlers, hookers, and teenagers who wear those god-awful baggy pants.
    2. Stupid Asshole Syndrome (SAS)
    Examples of individuals with SAS include cheaters, litterbugs, and fast-food drive-thru workers who can’t get orders right to save their lives.
    3. Severe Stupid Asshole Syndrome (SSAS)
    This is Kevin Federline all the way.
    4. Stupid Bitch Syndrome (SBS)
    You ever see people one the freeway weaving in the fast lane at mach ten while putting on make-up and talking on the phone? This is what these people suffer from.
    5. Severe Stupid Bitch Syndrome (SSBS)
    Have you ever seen the television show called The Simple Life? This is what those two girls on the show, the main characters, suffer from.
    6. Stupid F**ker Syndrome (SFS)
    Do you recall the scandal surrounding R. Kelly? This is what he suffers from.
    7. Severe Stupid F**ker Syndrome (SSFS)
    Do you recall a certain elected official who cheated twice on presidential elections and won? This is his cross to bear.
    8. Severe Irreversible Stupid F**ker Syndrome (SISFS)
    It is widely known that leaders of religious cults suffer from this.
    9. Stupid Mother F**ker Syndrome (SMFS)
    According to most ex-wives this is largely suffered by ex-husbands.
    10. Severe Irreversible Stupid Mother F**ker Syndrome (SISMFS)
    This syndrome applies to all athletes who try to gain an edge by using steroids.
    11. Irritable Personality Syndrome (IPS)
    This is Hillary Clinton all the way. The very sound of her voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me.
    12. Irreversible Severe Irritable Personality Syndrome (ISIPS)
    That moron comic Carrot Top suffers from this syndrome like no one else.
    13. Little Man Syndrome (LMS)
    If upon first meeting a man he informs you of his forty foot yacht, his three homes in Beverly Hills, his gun collection, his genuine Samurai Warrior outfit, and his four-wheel drive pickup truck you can bet he has a penis the size of one of those mini hotdogs that come in a can.
    14. Wanna Be Gang Banger Syndrome (WBGBS)
    Symptoms of this syndrome include zero motivation or desire for personal improvement, baggy pants that are fifteen sizes too big, communicating in Ebonics or Traileronic (white trash) dialects, bragging about handgun knowledge and possession, illegal use and distribution of any type of drug, insatiable laziness, and repeatedly threatening others with ‘ass beating’ or ‘ass kicking’.
    15. Woe Is Me Syndrome (WIMS)
    This is suffered by ninety-eight percent of the criminals and prisoners within the United States Justice System. Symptoms include blaming committed crimes on derelict fathers and drug usage on non-nurturing mothers during childhood.
    16. Lazy Ass Syndrome (LAS)
    This is suffered by all citizens who intend to leech off of public assistance programs for life.
    17. Can’t Drive For Shit Syndrome (CDFSS)
    It sounds bad, yet it is true that ninety-nine percent of bad drivers are in fact Asian.
    18. Spoiled Brat Syndrome (SBrS)
    You know who I’m talking about, right? Those little kids who throw themselves down in the store and pitch a fit because mommy won’t buy them candy. Somebody needs a spanking.

    1. Physio-halitosis
    A condition where the entire individual and everything they own smells like shit or something worse.
    2. Prefrontal Cortex Infarction
    A condition where the individual’s common sense ceases to exist.
    3. Cerebral Cyanosis
    A condition where the individual could not think themselves out of a paper bag if their life depended on it.
    4. Hemorrhagic Theatre
    Suffered by movie goers who go into shock after spending a mortgage on two movie tickets, two popcorn buckets, one large coke, a box of gummy candies, and a glow-in-the-dark condom from the public restroom.
    5. Mental Bifida
    These individuals should never be in charge of or have access to sharp objects or weapons of any sort. They should also never have a job that is much more complicated than a janitor’s position.
    6. Emotional Compassionate Sarcoma
    Those individuals suffering from this could give two shits and a rat’s ass about anyone in the world other than themselves.
    7. Mental Colitis
    Suffered by all individuals who are consistently full of shit.
    8. Hostility Perosis
    Suffered by all aggressive and violent individuals who ought to be launched into outer space just to make the planet safe for the rest of humanity.
    9. Degenerative and Compulsive Lazitis
    Suffered by insanely lazy people who believe they should have the entire world at their beckon call without having to work or make any effort of any kind.
    10. Mental-athero Cranial Sclerosis
    Hardening of the head. Symptoms include poor decision making, zero common sense, frequent difficulty understanding real life.
    11. Mental-stupis Thelioma
    Permanent deterioration of the mental process. Symptoms include poor and non-sensical conversation peppered with lies and exaggerations.
    12. Stupor Mentalis Cashola
    Persistent poor management of money.
    13. Hali-me-mine-osis
    Chronic selfishness. Symptoms include decisions that reek of zero consideration of anyone but the self.
    14. Foul Olfactis Gluteassis
    Persistent and permanent physical smell of sour ass.
    15. Foul Olfactis Dentitia
    Persistent and permanent death breath.
    16. Feces Olfactis Horror
    Persistently horribly smelling bowel movements.
    17. Pudgekins Disease
    Permanent physical fatness.
    18. Sensical Cerebral Palsy
    A condition where common sense ceases to exist in an individual.
    19. My-Carditis Negro Cardiostalsis
    A condition where the individual suffers from a black heart.
    20. Stuporsis Mega-Mentaldonia
    A condition where the individual never experiences a single conscious thought.
    21. Megalo Egomania
    A condition where the individual’s ego is exponentially larger than their actual importance.
    22. Stupor Mentalsis Minor
    Stupid people suffer from this.
    23. Stupor Mentalsis Major
    Really stupid people suffer from this.
    24. Flatulo Olfactis Horror
    A condition where the individual’s passed gas could peel wall paper or drown out a skunk’s odiferous emanations.

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