Friday, September 2, 2011

The Fifteenth Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible)

 The Tenement Gospel
 (the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible)

The Book of I Tim-Tim
(the fifteenth book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Yo! This be written to all those muthas out there who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster and spreadin’ they viral version of faith and they lethal brand of salvation.
    2 Sho’, ya’lls be crazier than they lemmings that be throwin’ theyselfs off cliffs, an’ shit, but I still be callin’ on this universe and all that be God to be blessin’ ya’ll and sendin’ good things ya’lls way.
    3 Now I knows for sure I be tellin’ ya’lls before to be watchin’ and changin’ the ludicrous mamby-pamby crackerjack that ya’lls be constantly stirrin’ things up with.
    4 I knows for sure that I be tellin’ ya’lls before that if youz want to be believin’ in craziness dat be fine, so long as ya’lls don’t be buggin’ on what other people be choosin’ to believe.
    5 Now it be seemin’ that every which way I be turnin’ I be hearin’ that ya’ll be continuin’ to be doin’ and sayin’ shit that just don’t be jivin’ with the instructions I be givin’ youz.
    6 I wants to be knowin’ which part of what I be tellin’ you be so damn hard for ya’ll to be understandin’?
    7 Do it be the part where I be sayin’ ya’ll best be teachin’ love?
    8 Do it be the part where I be tellin’ ya’ll to keep youz hearts pure an’ opened?
    9 Do it be the part where I be instructin’ youz to not be prideful in ya’lls faith and thinkin’ that ya’ll be havin’ the one an’ only answer to what truth be?
    10 I be instructin’ ya’ll that the law be bein’ love. I also be tellin’ y’all that the law be bein’ good. The fact that it be the law of love be makin’ it indicative that it be good for everybody.
    11 Now ya’ll be tellin’ me why the fuck-a-ducka youz be treatin’ peoples and they alternate beliefs or they lack of beliefs as if they ain’t be as deservin’ of salvations as ya’lls be?
    12 See, when somebody be havin’ faith they supposed to be findin’ and spreadin’ the love an’ joy they be findin’ in that faith,
    13 But they ain’t supposed to be takin’ they version of faith an’ cramming’ it down everybody’s throats.
    14 The law of love be good and it do be for everybody, but there be many, many ways that people can be findin’ the law of love by findin’ and followin’ the many paths to all that be God.
    15 But here y’all are takin’ your knowledge an’ tryin’ to twist it an’ form it into some kind of spiritual weapon where y’all be takin’ no prisoners save for them hapless souls you trick into swallowin’ the bitter pill of your version of God.
    16 And you muthas be sayin’ that love be patient and love be kind,
    17 And you muthas be sayin’ that God be love,
    18 And you muthas be sayin’ that God so loved the world,
    19 And the world be including’ everybody that be everywhere.
    20 But then y’all start drawin’ lines in the proverbial sands and sayin’ stupid shit like this group or that group not be worthy of God’s love an’ salvation,
    21 That those muthas and brothas who be believin’ in a different faith or no faith, that homos and lesbos, that anybody else ya’ll be disapprovin’ of ain’t be worthy of God’s love an’ salvation, much less ya’lls Gospel of Disaster.
    22 Now I wants to be knowin’ how the fuck-a-purple-twinky ya’lls be goin’ from sayin’ ya’ll have a lovin’ God who be savin‘ everybody, to sayin’ that there be restrictions on who your God be lovin’ and savin‘?
    23 And ya’ll be wonderin’ why some people be havin’ problems with ya’ll, shee-it. Not to be mentionin’, ya’ll also be givin’ God a bad name, and that shit ain’t be right.
    24 Ya’ll be destructive of the law of love, and ‘cause of this ya’ll don’t be understandin’ of what mercy be.
    25 Jesus be comin’ to this world to be remindin’ people of the beautiful abstracts of love and the redeemin’ salvations that be resultin’ from applyin’ the law of love to ya’lls lives.
    26 Jesus ain’t be comin’ to this world to be separatin’ people by what faith they be choosin’ to put they hearts in, he didn’t be comin’ to be tossin’ people aside just ‘cause they be lovin’ and livin’ different.
    27 Ya’ll be sayin’ you be knowin’ mercy, but you sure are donkey-doo don’t be showin’ it just like you don’t be showin’ so many people love and compassion unless it be suitin’ you.
    28 Ya’ll be sayin’ you be havin’ faith yet you be consistently placin’ limitations on what your faith be and who it be applyin’ to,  and it be this type of behavior that be makin’ yourselfs and your faith disorderly.

For the full version of The Tenement Gospel:

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