Friday, September 2, 2011

The Third Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible)

The Tenement Gospel
(the REAL version of the original Holy Bible translation)

The Book of Lou
(the third book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 As you have probably figured out after reading the first two books prior to this one there are severe discrepancies when it comes to the information and descriptions of what happened during Jesus’ life.
    2 Does this surprise you? It shouldn’t. People can’t seem to agree on much, even when it comes to silly crap like how to roll the toothpaste tube, which way to roll the toilet paper, or how to load the dishwasher,
    3 So, how in the hell would they agree on the descriptions of the life of Jesus, his purpose for mingling with humanity, or the meaning of the Tenement Gospel and the Gospel of Disaster that were both preached?
    4 Since the other disciples before me obviously, wantonly and completely and totally fucked up the truth of how things really went down when Jesus was on the planet, I, Lou, have decided to give you the pure and unadulterated truth.
    5 Trust me. You are gonna love this.
    6 Way back in the boondocks of time when Herod was the king of Judea, there be this cool kitten named Lizzy and her hubby.
    7 These folk thought they was the shiz-nit, regularly professin’ to be perfect since they be following all the commandments that God supposedly done told people to follow way back in Moses’ time.
    8 Now Lizzy and her hubby didn’t be havin’ no kids, and while  most people be thinking’ that be because they was barren that ain’t be the truth. See, Lizzy was a frigid bitch, truth be told.
    9 But that shit didn’t seem to be botherin’ her hubby since most of the time he be workin’ in the temple, in charge of burnin’ incense behind the temple curtain so folks don’t be smellin’ the mow the priests be smoking’.
    10 Then one day when ‘ole hubby boy be cleanin’ up behind the priests he be finding’ some mow they be leavin’ behind. So, hubby be smoking’ it all and he started havin’ visions and shit ‘cause little did he know the priests done laced the mow with PCP.
    11 And hubby had a vision that some really bright lookin’ angel dude be appearing to him and telling him that Lizzy be preggars.
    12 Well, hubby said, That shit ain’t possible since Lizzy be a frigid bitch and we ain’t done nothing in the sack since New Year’s ten years ago. And the angel told hubby that Lizzy be doin’ the post man and done swallowed a watermelon seed.
    13 All in all it really didn’t be botherin’ hubby none since he be trampin’ around with a couple of the wives of the priests for what seemed like forever and a decade.
    14 And the angel be taking a hit of hubby’s doobie and told him that the son Lizzy be having will be another one of those crackpot cult leaders who eventually end up getting’ to convince they congregation to kill theyselves like a flock of lemmings skydiving off a cliff.
    15 Then the angel be passin’ the doobie back to hubby who took a hit and then be askin’ what the fuck the angel be talking about. And the angel said he didn’t have a goddamn clue and was simply relaying info God wanted told to the hubby.
    16 Then when hubby’s doobie was done completely smoked the angel disappeared and hubby went home to have himself a mega dinner since for some reason or other he felt incredibly famished.
    17 When hubby be getting’ home he be laughing and making fun of Lizzy for getting preggars by a lowly post man. Lizzy got pissed and told hubby to fuck himself and he said to her what did she think he had been doin’ the whole time anyways.
    18 Round about the same time that hubby be sharing’ the doobie with the angel another angel visited this broke ho named Mary in the tenement town of Nazareth.
    19 Mary was set to be marrying this hombre named Joseph who was only marginally less broke than she was. They were already living together in an effort to scale down their costs of living, scrapin’ together and saving whatever money they could.
    20 Joseph be working at the local Nazareth Rent-a-Center sellin’ new and used appliances and home furniture items. Mary had been workin’ at the Nazareth chapter of Pacers, but since Pure Platinum had opened across the street business had slowed dramatically.
    21 Then Mary decided to try the world’s oldest profession, and was incidentally quite good at it. In only three years of working the backstroke Mary had accumulated the sum of one hundred thousand dollars which she and Joseph kept in the bank and did not touch.
    22 See, Joseph and Mary wanted to emigrate far away from Nazareth and the Middle East as a whole since they found most individuals of the culture to be control-hungry, abusive muthas.
    23 Joseph and Mary had finally decided on emigrating to Washington state, and had already picked out the property they wanted, a large ten thousand acre farm near the Canadian border that already had a very nice home built on it as well as the cattle they wished to raise.
    24 However, they were wanting to save another ten thousand or so to use to tide them over until their cattle business took firm root and could verifiably provide them with the money they would need to support a very comfortable lifestyle.
    25 Anyways, the angel that visited Mary said, I have a proposition for you, Mary.
    26 And Mary said, I don’t take on customers until after three in the afternoon. If you like I can set up an appointment for you, but I must tell you I am very booked and people very rarely cancel.
    27 The angel said, Not that kind of proposition, you ninny.
    28 And Mary said, Oh. How embarrassing. My bad. What can I do for you then?
    29 And the angel told Mary his proposition which was to have Mary surrogate for God the son God always wanted. In return for carrying his son to full term God would pay Mary the astronomical sum of five hundred thousand dollars.
    30 Done! Said Mary excitedly, cutting off the angel before he could really describe anything else. When do I get the money? She asked.
    31 Well, answered the angel, If you become impregnated today we can have the funds transferred to your account within the hour. However, you must remain here for the duration of the pregnancy,
    32 But as soon as you deliver the baby you and Joseph are free to leave to Washington and God will assume full responsibility for Jesus.
    33 Jesus? Who the hell is Jesus, asked Mary.
    34 Jesus is the name God wants to name his son, said the angel. Mary shrugged and thought it was a screwy name. She would have named her son ‘Bob’ or something a little more normal than ‘Jesus’. She thought the name God had picked sounded like something Amway would sell.
    35 So, Mary agreed to the angel’s proposition and, POOF! Just like that she was preggars with the son of God. When Joseph came home she told him everything and he sighed with relief when he heard that he and Mary now no longer had any issues with money.
    36 Joseph and Mary were quite happy in the knowledge that in only nine short months they could blow the popsicle stand of Nazareth for good and live a normal, happy, abundant life like people were meant to live.

For the full version of The Tenement Gospel:

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