Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Lamb of the Blessed Flock Speaks!

Worst Movies Ever
By: Lamb of the Blessed Flock

    Have you ever gone to see a movie and then left disappointed because the movie you just paid an arm and a leg to see and that was supposed to be something great wasn’t? Every year there are at least ten movies that are released that should never have even made it off of the cutting room floor. Whether it is due to a poor plot, poor acting, no discernible plot other than people killing or screwing each other, or poor special effects the following list is a compilation of some of the worst movies ever. The title of each offending movie is given followed by words of wisdom and disdain. All of these movies are equally stupid so keep in mind that I number them for simplicity’s  sake.
    1. High School Musical
    This is a terrifying movie slash musical about teenagers who are trying to sing, fall in love, play sports, do homework, and pop pimples all at once.
    2. High School Musical II
    As if the first episode of the pimply-faced pubescent singers wasn’t freakish enough this sequel picks up the cinematic anguish where the prequel left off.
    3. Cloverfield
    Such a cutesy little name for a movie devoid of anything remotely interesting. Newscasters were recommending that people take motion-sickness medication before viewing the movie since the camera motion was making people feel sick. I say screw the motion-sickness medication and use your upset stomach as an excuse to leave the movie.
    4. I Know Who Killed Me
    So, you know who killed you? Then why make a friggin’ movie about it? Why not go straight to the police? Besides, since you continue to make retarded movies I guess whoever killed you didn’t do a very good job.
    5. Fargo
    Frances Macdormand performs wonderfully in this otherwise boring movie where characters say “YAH!” about fourteen billion times.
    6. Wendigo
    This movie is supposed to be about a spooky Native American ghost/spirit thing. They missed the mark so badly with this film and would have done better to film Winnebago…a horror flick about an RV.
    7. Lake Placid
    A gargantuan crocodile harasses the folks trying to capture him. The end. Big time stupid. The only good parts are when Betty White’s lines include shocking cuss words.
    8. Death Wish Series
    If they make another sequel in this goddamn series I will wish for death.
    9. Hercules in New York
    This was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s first movie and it’s a bad one.
    10. Hellraiser Series
    This very stupid movie series couldn’t raise hell if the Devil was the movie director. Come to think of it, this series couldn’t raise enough interest in movie goers with the last couple of sequels and the movies’ direct release to video is testament to this.
    11. Scream Series
    I swear to God if they make another Scream movie I am going to scream.
    12. Seven Days, Seven Nights
    I was severely ill for seven days and seven nights after watching this movie.
    13. The Longest Yard
    This is the longest and most boring football movie ever.
    14. Night at the Museum
    Night at the Morgue would have had more plot and would have been far more interesting.
    15. Poseidon Remake
    Great acting all around in this film. Unfortunately, problems arise when Josh Lucas’ character cliff dives into the flaming water, when the marooned group proceeds to travel by air duct, and when every character seemed to be able to hold their breath for fifteen minutes. Who the freak dives into water without first knowing how deep or shallow it is? And, I have seen air ducts on many occasions and I can assure you they are barely big enough for roaches to squeeze through. Finally, there is zero probability that in their frenzied state all of those people would be able to hold their breath and swim fairly large distances while pulling a kid in tow.
    16. You, Me, and Irene
    How about you, you, and a psychiatrist?
    17. Fun With Dick and Jane
    There was nothing fun about this movie and the lack of movie goers proved this. Had producers filmed a racier movie and called it Fun With Whips and Chains there would have been a far better turnout.
    18. Batman and Robin as well as Batman Forever
    They should have stopped with the first two movies that starred Michael Keaton as the caped hero. The poor quality of the remainder Batman movies made movie goers feel that the film studios were robbing them blind. A special film panel should be created just to tell Batman eager directors that no one is allowed to make anymore Batman movies…forever and ever.
    19. Left Behind
    This apocalyptic film is based on the Holy Bible’s traditional belief of an Antichrist provoked Armageddon. Kirk Cameron, who plays main character Buck Williams, should have left this script behind when it was offered to him. Long-winded, preachy, and condemning to anyone who does not believe the same as Christians this film ought to be launched into outer space…along with Kirk Cameron.
    20. Something Wicked This Way Comes
    A better title for this movie would be Something Stupid This Way Comes.
    21. Phantoms
    This wanna be horror movie based on the Dean Koontz novel by the same name is a great cure for insomnia. Twenty minutes of watching and you’re guaranteed to be asleep. The plot, much like the phantom, remains elusive the entire movie.
    22. Rose Red
    I love Stephen King as a writer. He is incredibly gifted. However, even the best in any field can have off days or can develop products and ideas that should be nowhere save for the dump heap. This movie is more or less about a house that is a vampire of sorts. Yes, you read that correctly…a house that is a vampire. What’s next, Steve? A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman who is stalked by a demon possessed toaster all while trying to locate his birth mother who happens to be a Voodoo priestess?
    23. Critters
    This is one series of movies that did not have a good initial film. It was insanely stupid from the get go. Here we have volley ball sized fur balls with sharp teeth and a taste for people.
    24. Fright Night
    The only things scary about this film are the make-up and the special effects.
    25. A Mighty Wind
    This movie title sounds like one of those pull my finger jokes.
    26. The Adventures of Pluto Nash
    To sit through this entire movie is an adventure all on it’s own.
    27. The Greatest Story Ever Told
    The greatest story ever told is the greatest story never told.
    28. Alan Quarterman and the Lost City of Gold
    Quarterman ought to be drawn and quartered for agreeing to star in this wanna be Indiana Jones type flick.
    29. The Empire Strikes Back
    What them Empire should have done was gone back to the drawing board because this was a stupid movie.
    30. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (people version)
    How the Grinch could have agreed to star in a movie where all the little children either look inbred or hydrocephalic is beyond me.
    31. The Silence of the Lambs
    You know, Jodie Fosters’ character could have saved herself time and effort by giving the lambs some valium instead of becoming pen pals with Dr. Lector just to get answers.
    32. Wizard of Oz
    Somewhere over the rainbow? Tell you what, it’s going to be somewhere over the bridge if you don’t shut the hell up.
    33. Yentyl
    Hey, I like Barbara Streisand just as much as the next person, but I think the movie sucked and probably would have been better had it been about lentils.
    34. Muppets Take Manhattan
    What the Muppets should have taken is nystatin to help get rid of all that fuzzy shit on their bodies.
    35. The Never-ending Story
    Which is precisely why I didn’t go see the movie.
    36. Harry and the Hendersons
    A heart warming tale about a Wookie marooned on planet earth and forced to take a job as Bigfoot just to make ends meet.
    37. Stop or My Mom Will Shoot
    You know what, Sly? You should have let your mother shoot you so we wouldn’t have to be subjected to the toxic effects of your films.
    38. Crossroads
    This movie is Brittney Spears’ half-ass attempt to break into acting.
    39. Spawn
    Watching a documentary about spawning salmon is certainly more interesting than this incredibly boring movie.
    40. Child’s Play Series
    As with much horror movies the original movie was the only good one. The basic story line is a possessed little doll goes about killing nearly every adult that crosses his path.
    41. Star Trek VII
    The search for movie goers.
    42. Free Willy
    The title makes it sound like it was filmed in the Oval Office.
    43. Deep Blue Sea
    A big fat ‘D’ as far as movies go. The only really good scene in this movie is where Samuel L. Jackson’s character is saying that they are all going to get out and survive and suddenly this mega shark pops out of the pool and gobbles him up.
    44. I’ll Never Tell
    And I’ll never tell people to go see this movie.
    45. Gods and Generals
    God help us since the general consensus of movie goers is that watching this movie is worse than taking a dump in your pants.
    46. Leprechaun Series
    This is an incredibly stupid and psycho horror series. One little mean and feisty green dude goes about grotesquely killing everyone. There are even sequels called Leprechaun in Space and Leprechaun in the Hood. As if tenement housing in the ghetto needs another problem.
    47. Flintstones
    I hate this movie so much I don’t know what to say.
    48. The Little Vampire
    Since when is being a vampire cute and cuddly?
    49. Titanic
    An epic length film that drags out the drowning of more than a thousand people all while trying to relay the puppy dog sweetness of young love.
    50. Saw Sequels
    Look, after the first Saw movie there really isn’t much left to do to the human body as far as torture and death go. Drop it, geeze!
    51. Pulse
    A movie about some creepy virus thing that passes to people as they mess around with their computers. Sure. You would have to be without a pulse in order to be able to sit through the entire movie.
    52. Mary Poppins
    So, this whacked out nanny with an umbrella and a British accent descends on a family with two saucy children, teaching them to clean their rooms with magic, jump into sidewalk paintings, and feed some scraggly looking pigeons for toppins a bag.
    53. Friday the 13th Series
    The first movie in this series was vaguely interesting and that is it. There should never have been a second and third movie much less a fourth, fifth, and sixth. That sideshow freak Jason Voorhees goes tip-toeing around a campsite that is crawling with horny teens as he looks for his next victim while he struggles to breathe through his hockey mask and asthmatic sounding lungs.
    54. Nightmare on Elm Street Series
    Much like the Friday the 13th Series, Nightmare on Elm Street was pretty good in it’s initial film. There never should have been sequels. So, this hell-bound burn victim freak Freddy slinks around in the dark of teenagers’ dreams trying to capture their souls as he scares them to death. Wow. So original.
    55. Number 23
    So, a number takes over a girl and makes her kill herself. Then, this guy reads this book about the number twenty-three and figures that he is the killer driven by the number twenty-three. This whole movie is about the number twenty-three and how many times it can be attributed to just about anyone in the movie. Hey, your birthday numbers add up to twenty-three, your full name has twenty-three letters in it, you live twenty-three miles from the Mexican border, you are twenty-three days late on your electricity payment, and you have twenty-three squares of toilet paper left on the roll. Clever, so clever. If you can stay longer than twenty-three minutes watching this movie you are a real champion.
    56. Room 1408
    This movie was based on a Stephen King story by the same name. The movie made no goddamn sense whatsoever; however, the written story was quite good. The entire time you are watching the movie you are waiting for the plot to reveal itself at least a little bit, but this never happens. There is zero scariness in this movie except for the fact that millions were spent making it.
    57. King Kong Remake
    Granted, the special effects in this movie were actually pretty good, but that is all that was good about this movie. The editor of this movie ought to be fired being as though there were about thirty or so minutes of useless footage before you even got to see the freaking ape. Then there is the actor Jack Black. He is a good actor, don’t get me wrong, but he totally sucked in this movie. Huge thumbs down for this movie.
    58. Annie
    This is a stupid movie through and through. Stupid bratty kids in a stupid orphanage run by a stupid old woman. Don’t even get me started on that stupid song “Tomorrow”.
    59. Trip to Bountiful
    In this movie a little old lady who qualifies at Moses’ grandma decides she wants to go back to her childhood roots. Granny gets on a bus without telling her son who goes ballistic as he tries to find her. Here is a suggestion: Check the old lady into a convalescent home and tie her to the bed. Then administer regular thorazine shots. She won’t go anywhere then.
    60. Mr. Bean Movies
    Look, the Brits can keep their dry-as-a-cat’s-ass humor on their side of the pond.
    61. Wishmaster
    This movie is insanely ridiculous and is about an evil jinn that grants twisted wishes to all mortals who cross his path. Hummm…I wish this movie never existed.
    62. Robocop Sequels
    Our refurbished law enforcement pal single-handedly brings police strikes, petty thieves, and evil corporations to their knees. “Stop! Or I’ll shoot!” Please do! At least then I won’t have to watch the damn movie.
    63. Rocky Sequels
    The first two movies about the Italian Stallion were pretty good. The third and fourth were barely survivable. All the other ones were a waste of cinematic efforts. What’s next? Rocky: Part XX…our aged hero fights bravely to get out of his wheelchair?
    64. Eyes Wide Shut
    Mister Cruise, if you had released this pornographic film to the x-rated, pay-as-you-watch cable channels instead of regular theaters you probably would have elicited a far better response. My eyes were shut the entire movie.
    65. Jurassic Park Sequels
    The very first Jurassic Park movie was simply outstanding. The next two movies revoked most of that with poor plot, poor special effects, poor character development, and on occasion poor acting.
    66. D.C. Cab
    Mr. T is part of the supporting cast for this movie as is Gary Busey. These celebrities have no luck whatsoever in trying to make this a good film. I watched this film through entirely just out of morbid curiosity. Bottom line, this movie is a whole bunch of random shit thrown together and the only thing that makes it remotely interesting is the continual psychotic behavior of the characters.
    67. The Land Before Time
    Lord save us all, but isn’t this one of the most stupid cartoon movies? Dinosaurs sing and dance and kill each other as they try to survive a cataclysmic climate shift.
    68. Land of the Dead
    This sequel to the remake of Dawn of the Dead tries to reinvent the image of the zombies by inferring that they are creatures with just as much right to live as every one else. Those individuals who wrote this movie and produced it were licking the wrong toad.
    69. Day After Tomorrow
    Who doesn’t enjoy a good natural disaster film every now and then? Dennis Quaid is a fine and talented actor and while he does bring something extra to this film, the film still fizzles. The part where Quaid’s character is traveling to New York by self ambulatory means comes across as completely unbelievable. Remember the part where the eye of the storm passes over Quaid and the air becomes so cold that the American flag freezes in place as it billows in the wind? If it was really that damn cold Quaid’s parka outfit, no matter how thick and well-made, would also have frozen…leaving Quaid looking like a little yellow popsicle in the snow.
    70. Snakes on a Plane
    In a day and age where you cannot even board a plane without a cavity search, a DNA test, a saliva swab, and immunizations do you really buy the story line?
    71. Kicking and Screaming
    Yep, I was kicking and screaming as my date tried to drag me back into the movie theatre to watch the rest of the movie.
    72. Rats
    Any movie about animals that try to wipe man from the face of the planet is guaranteed to bring on explosive diarrhea.
    73. Bats
    A mad scientist turns the cute little nocturnal mammals into aggressive, flesh-eating fighter jets.
    74. Eight-Legged Freaks
    Here we go again with man poisoning the environment and the environment fighting back.
    75. Empire of the Ants
    Joan Collins stars in this low budget, no-one-is-going-to-watch-it movie. Oh, yes. You guessed the culprit that mutated the ants…toxic waste. Towards the end of the movie there is a scene where people are actually lining up so that they can get hypnotized by the queen ant. This movie is toxic to the brain of a normally functioning person.
    76. Home Alone Sequels
    The original movie was fantastic. Unfortunately, the sequels were not really about boys struggling to survive sans mother, but rather cataloged adults trying to survive some very mean tricks at the hands of the little brats.
    77. Honey, I Blew Up the Kid
    Honey, I blew up this movie.
    78. Pet Cemetery II
    The first Pet Cemetery was great! They should have left the sequel at the morgue. Or maybe they should have made it about little pets that catch a liking for Jesus in a major way and then called the movie Pet Seminary.
    79. Carrie
    This would definitely have been a better movie had the director stayed closer to the original story by Stephen King. Or, it might have been more interesting to center the movie around Carrie’s severely whacked out, oppressive, bible-thumping mother.
    80. The Fog
    The entire movie is spent running away from Los Angeles smog-type fog, while bogeymen make scary noises and cast shadows. It should have been called The Flop.
    81. Dreamcatcher
    So, in this movie bad spacemen bring to earth giant slugs with razor sharp teeth. After being seeded in a host, usually human, the slimy little parasites gestate for a short spell before bursting out the host’s ass. Sounds like a bad commercial for a proctology exam.
    82. Halloween Sequels
    Michael Meyers, in the course of about eight movies, is shot, stabbed, set on fire, crushed, run over, beheaded, and excommunicated. How the freak does he continue to survive to make more movies? And another thing, how is it possible that Meyers can maintain a slow, lumbering gait and still be able to catch up with his victim who is running faster than Carl Lewis at the Olympics?
    83. Texas Chainsaw Massacre
    All my exes live in Texas. Not if this crazy mother f**ker got to them, they don’t.
    84. Stranger than Fiction
    Stranger than Stupid should have been the title to this colorless movie. This movie really made me want to scream as it took what could have been a totally interesting plot and absolutely murdered it with one of the worst movie scripts and movie endings of all time.
    85. Jaws Sequels
    Like many movie series the original film about this shark was the best one. The remaining sequels were horribly remedial, especially the movie where the lady travels to the Bahamas and the crack smoking shark follows her to the Bahamas in order to exact some type of revenge.
    86. Doctor Giggles
    Hey, if the doctor is giggling then he either does not know what the hell he is doing, or he’s been into the nitrous oxide.
    87. Dumb and Dumberer
    This is an amazingly appropriate movie title for this movie. A flock of pigeons could have written a better script.
    88. Dare Devil
    Yeah, sure. I dare you to watch this movie about a blind superhero who cavorts around town trying to score cool points with the hapless citizens.
    89. The Mummy Returns
    And the mummy can go right back to where he came from.
    90. Python
    Okay, a gargantuan snake feeds on people as if the two legged mammals were tic-tacs. By the way, if the snake is a python, as so inferred by the movie’s title, why did it have a rattlesnake rattle?
    91. Wyatt Earp
    This movie was so bad and boring that when they showed it at a convalescent home the elderly had to be sedated so they wouldn’t get up out of their seats in an effort to save themselves from three hours of cinematic garbage.
    92. Water World
    I have come to the conclusion that Kevin Costner is obsessed with spending millions of dollars on uninteresting movies. He must have money falling out of his asshole. How nice.
    93. Rocky Horror Picture Show
    A friend of mine invited me over for dinner and made me watch this movie slash musical with them. They cackled the entire movie while I just about dug my fingers into my eye sockets just so I wouldn’t have to watch it any more. By the time a very young Meatloaf rode onto the scene on his motorcycle I was ready to do anything for love but watch that damn movie any longer.
    94. Congo
    This movie was a hilarious attempt at some kind of nature thriller, or something. You could totally tell when they were using the real gorillas and when they were using the fake ones (which was most of the movie). Tim Curry played this Romanian adventurer, or something, and went about the entire movie with the worst accent and sounded like he was trying to sound British and German while having a mouth full of marbles. But, by far the best and most side-splitting part of the movie is when a mechanism is placed on the gorilla’s arm, giving audible words to whatever motion the gorilla made: “Amy…Amy…gorilla. Good…good gorilla. Mother…mother…Amy mother.” Seriously, you have to rent the movie just to watch that part alone.
    95. Skeeter
    In this cinematic SNAFU toxic chemicals seep into the environment and eventually poison the mosquitoes. The mosquitoes then morph into demonic looking pigeons and proceed to terrorize the people of a small town.
    96. Poltergeist Sequels
    The first movie in this series was not bad, but every single one of the sequels was a pathetic bore. The old preacher guy, the one I am assuming they intended to appear scary, looks like an anorexic version of the Quaker Oats Man. I have exorcised the movie goers…this theater is clear.
    97. AI (Artificial Intelligence)
    Artificial plot, artificial acting, and artificial movie goers.
    98. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Remake
    The first version with Gene Wilder was good enough, not to mention the songs were better in the first one as well. What is it with the Oompah Loompahs in the remake being dressed in patent leather exercise outfits?
    99. Battlefield Earth
    Mr. Travolta, no one is impressed with your religious spin on things. This movie was boring and lacked any kind of depth. Large numbers of people left this movie feeling markedly dumber.

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