Friday, September 2, 2011

The Fourth Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible)

The Tenement Gospel
(the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible)

The Book of Jon
(the fourth book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Religion. An annoying frontier. These are the misadventures of the starship Cruciprise to explore the depths of beliefs, to question the lunacy of man in his search for spirituality, to boldly, if stupidly go where sooner or later all religions go, to argument!
    2 This story of the ages begins with the brave Admiral Jebuss and his crew of twelve religious dissidents: Captain Delilah, Major Sampson, Lieutenant Lazarus, Colonel Moses,
    3 Staff Sergeant Aaron, Command Sergeant Major Pharaoh, Chief Warrant Officer Korah, PFC Uriah, PFC David, Specialist Bathsheba, Corporal Nebuchadnezzar, and Sergeant Lucifer as the Cruciprise’s cook.
    4 Going back to the beginning, in the Horsehair Nebulae in the year Long-Ass-Time-Ago, Admiral Jebuss sits in the Captain’s chair, saying,
    5 Admiral’s log, eternity date only God knows when. We have been traveling in circles through time this entire last week, mostly in a half-assed effort by the time Friday rolled around, to try to find a religion, any religion, that the majority of people on the planet can at least fight fairly over.
    6 Eight days ago, that half-asleep nit Lieutenant Lazarus once again showed everyone how fucking pathetic his navigation skills are when he stupidly put the wrong flight path into the freakin’ computer.
    7 By the screwiest chance of circumstance his mistake put us into a wormhole that looped to the same time we were in every time we tried to leave it. Of course, we hadn’t even figured that out until two days into the mistake, damn the whole thing.
    8 I looked like a total jackass since I thought we had discovered a parallel of eternity that actually had the same religion no matter where you went within that parallel.
    9 To make matters worse, PFC Uriah and PFC David continue to fight and bicker over Specialist Bathsheba. The assholes can’t seem to understand she is a lesbian and in a very strong relationship with Captain Delilah.
    10 Then there is the incessant arguing and sibling rivalry between brothers Colonel Moses and Staff Sergeant Aaron, the Separatist rants of Chief Warrant Officer Korah, Command Sergeant Major Pharaoh and the stinking meth lab he keeps trying to build,
    11 Corporal Nebuchadnezzar and his all-night Guitar Hero runs at volumes that are just about enough to make your ears bleed, and God help me to put up with Sergeant Lucifer’s horrible cooking, because I can’t take much more of the gruel he serves.
    12 Admiral Jebuss sighed and then said, Well, at least we fixed the freakin’ time loop snafu, damn that nit wit Lazarus. I swear, this is totally the last time I ever let someone else pick my crew for me. The good thing is I think we have found the religion we have been looking for this whole crazy trip.
    13 Admiral Jebuss looked around the empty control room. All of his crew would be here as soon as they were finished trying to eat whatever wallpaper paste Sergeant Lucifer was trying to pass off as a real, edible breakfast.
    14 The hydraulic doors to the control room hissed open and Admiral Jebuss’ crew began to take their proper places.
    15 Good morning, Admiral Jebuss! The crew called. Admiral Jebuss gave a half-hearted wave and then said,
    16 Let’s just get this morning’s meeting over with, why don’t we? Okay, for all to know we have finally fixed the time loop screw-up, no thanks to sleepy over there who is pretending to dust his workstation. Hey, Laz. Drop it. We’re not fooled. Anyways,
    17 Delilah, you are in charge this morning of typing our destination into the computer since Laz has been temporarily stripped of that duty until he proves he can handle such a simple task as friggin‘ breathing,
    18 Uriah and David, do you guys think you can work together enough to get us the power we are going to need to make the proper space-through-time shift? I mean, I’m tired of having to peel you two thugs apart every two seconds. Admiral Jebuss made a mean face at them and then continued,
    19 Bathsheba, I am going to need you to make contact with the captain in charge at base operations and tell him we are at least a few more days away from verifying and netting that good, strong religion everyone can fight over responsibly.
    20 Korah and Pharaoh, I want you two to man the ear phones for any radio signals from religious stations that sound like they might have a good religion worth checking out. If it sounds promising, tell me and we’ll go see what they got.
    21 Sampson and Nebuchadnezzar, I want you two to hit all the regular messaging boards on the computer and see what you can find so far as people bickering over religion goes. No more Pentecostal, though. That is just too boring for me,
    22 Not even if they do the prayin’ with the snakes thing. I don’t like snakes. Besides, I always thought that looked hokey, you know. Like, Look at me Jesus loves me because I can play with poisonous snakes! Stupid. Anyways,
    23 Moses and Aaron, ya’ll know what I want you to do, right? I want you to check every kind of advertisement and form of invitation aimed at trying to draw people to special meetings that promise incredible riches and rewards from God in return for their adoration.
    24 And you, Lucifer, well. I tell you what, try to make something that won’t give us all the runs for lunch, ’aight? That about wraps it up for now. Chop! Chop! Let’s get going and give this finding’ a religion worth fighting over a good run for the money!

Chapter 2

    1 After Delilah had entered the space-time coordinates into the computer, Bathsheba set about contacting the captain in charge of base operations. After several attempts on the space phone Bathsheba finally got through, saying,
    2 Cruciprise to base operations, Cruciprise to base operations. This is Specialist Bathsheba. May I please speak with the captain in charge? And the captain in charge answered, saying,
    3 Captain Pharisee in charge of base operation to Cruciprise Specialist Bathsheba, please go ahead with your message. And Bathsheba said,
    4 Captain Pharisee, I have an update from Admiral Jebuss. As of this time we are only a few days from procurement of an adequate religion with which to initiate Operation Scripture Scramble. Captain Pharisee said,
    5 Excellent, Specialist Bathsheba. What religions have you zeroed in on that seem ripe and ready for exploitation? Something that will really rile the masses, I hope? We are in real need of a religion that can sustain this operation. And Bathsheba said,
    6 Yes, Captain Pharisee! We have in fact zeroed in on a great religion, one that has so many different interpretations of spiritual scriptures that no less than fifty different denominations have been spawned from the one religion. Captain Pharisee was amazed and said,
    7 Are you serious? More than fifty different religions all spawned from one set of religious scriptures? Wow! It almost sounds too good to be true! How much have you verified? Bathsheba lied, saying,
    8 The Admiral is in the middle of his calculations right now, has been so for the last six or seven hours. He believes this to be the one. Admiral Jebuss heard what Bathsheba was saying and very nearly choked on his coffee, and he whisper-hissed to Bathsheba,
    9 What the fuck are you telling him? I don’t have any of that done! You’re gonna get me killed! Bathsheba waved him off and continued talking to Captain Pharisee,
    10 Admiral Jebuss hopes to have us on location for the acquisition and containment by this evening. However, Captain Pharisee, please understand that is if all of the calculations prove to be reliable. Captain Pharisee said,
    11 Excellent job! I shall be sure to inform the Committee of Scribes as soon as we are done here. Well done, Cruciprise! Do you have anything else to report? Bathsheba answered, saying,
    12 No, Captain Pharisee. As soon as we have final containment we will message you post-haste. Captain Pharisee again praised the crew of the Cruciprise and then signed off. Admiral Jebuss was looking at Specialist Bathsheba in absolute horror and said,
    13 Are you out of your goddamn mind, Bathsheba? I haven’t done any of the things you told him I did! I have not even gone over the radio reports, the computer reports, or the television reports! He’s gonna kill me! Bathsheba shook her head, saying,
    14 Calm down, Admiral Jebuss. You are not going to be killed. I have an excellent feeling about this religion we have recently been stalking, and I am telling you this is the one. See,
    15 I have been studying the reports in my spare time. I hope you don’t mind, Admiral. I have found some wonderful parallels to what we are looking for in a religion. Admiral Jebuss waited for Bathsheba to say more and when she did not he said,
    16 Well, go on with whatever it was you were saying, Bathsheba. Don’t leave me hanging. Bathsheba smiled and said,
    17 Actually, that is exactly what I am going to do, Admiral. In all actuality, that is precisely the kind of thing that is a huge part of what this religion is that we have found. It is excellent in working up the believers into various fits of frenzy. Then, it rips the rug right out from underneath them. It is the epitome of spiritual pricelessness.

For the full version of The Tenement Gospel:

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