Friday, September 2, 2011

The Fifth Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible)

The Tenement Gospel
(the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible)
The Book of Acting Postal
(the fifth book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Now the first four books of these scriptures were accounts of the life of Jesus before his general disappearance from mainstream society.
    2 This book marks the beginning of the scriptural accounts of the times after Jesus’ disappearance, which actually some choose to label as by his own decision and not by that of mere mortal men.
    3 It has been duly noted that the disciples also disappeared with Jesus, and while this was the case not very many people at the time knew of this, save for the few Information Nazis that always seem to be everywhere on the planet no matter where in time one may be.
    4 So, it became very apparent to the Information Nazis that the things that Jesus taught were actually catching on with the people of the many regions. A few of them got together and discussed how they might capitalize on the situation.
    5 They decided that since Jesus and all of the disciples were gone that they would press the story that they themselves were the disciples left on earth after Jesus had been crucified for the cause of those things he preached.
    6 Of course, the Information Nazis realized that they could not preach the messages that the real Jesus taught. If they did their plan of gaining control over the minds of men would never in a million years work,
    7 For the true message the true Jesus taught was one of choice and truth and not one of forceful fear and lies. It was from this most dark and evil philosophy of the Information Nazis that the Gospel of Disaster was birthed by purposely twisting the teachings of the Tenement Gospel.
    8 So, the Information Nazis chose those men from among their own number who most closely resembled the disciples of Jesus, and then set about devising a story they would break to the public.
    9 What they finally decided to tell people was that after Jesus had been crucified he appeared to all the disciples in a billboard along a major interstate and told them to go out and spread the Gospel of Disaster and baptize people, and,
    10 That if people were going to refuse the tantamount truth of the Gospel of Disaster they were to be burned by words, burned by having gi-normous fire pit burnings of their unacceptable holy books, burned by shunning them in society, or if at all possible burned by actual fire.
    11 The reasoning for the aggressiveness of these instructions was that if Juan the Baptist managed to spiritually douse people in water, then by rule the Information Nazis should be able to do so with an element even more powerful in their thinking: fire.
    12 The new and improved faux disciples then preached that Jesus had instructed them to bring back the one, true religion and restore the real truth to the new and improved version of the kingdom of God.
    13 If people did not believe what they were being told and by chance were to ask who gave the disciples their information and under what authority, such people were to be told to shut the fuck up,
    14 That theirs was not to know who gave what authority to whom, nor which seasons belonged to what time of year, nor which time of year belonged to what seasons, nor if there would ever be another NFL season which God had placed in the Commissioner’s own authority,
    15 For those who fervently believed what the disciples of Jesus were telling them to believe would receive power and knowledge beyond their wildest dreams and would be saved from a great calamity that for some reason or other Jesus did not save them from the first time he came around to earth.
    16 The faux disciples also told people that they saw Jesus appear in a UFO one night as they were gathered around a campfire, listening to stories being told by the Grand Imperial Dragon while patiently waiting for the burning of a massive cross.
    17 It was supposedly at that time that Jesus told the disciples that sooner or later he would return to earth in another UFO, maybe even one trailing in the tail of a comet passing near earth’s orbit.
    18 Then Jesus told the disciples that he would impart onto their bodies a special mark that only they and other true believers would receive, a mark that could only be seen by Jesus once everyone was judged and sent to either heaven or hell.
    19 Jesus would see this special mark and know that that person was a shoe-in for heaven and real estate right next to Jesus’ own heavenly mansion.

Chapter 2

    1 Then the faux disciples invented a new holiday called Penny Costs, where all true believers in Jesus and the Gospel of Disaster would show their faith and give all of the money in their bank accounts as well as twenty percent over the full amount of their credit card limits.
    2 This, of course, would be in addition to the normal eighty-five percent tithing costs required on a monthly basis. If people could do this then they were certified as real, true believers and given permission to berate and stick out their tongues to false believers.
    3 And in the middle of the first celebration of the new holiday there was a great shaking of the earth and all the people cried out in great fear. The resulting radiation leakage from several near-by damaged power plants caused the heads of the disciples to glow as if they had tongues of fire upon them.
    4 And the people asked the disciples what this meant and the disciples said, Verily we say unto you that the glow-y head thing means that the disciples of Jesus and those who preach the Gospel of Disaster are always right,
    5 And if at any time anyone does not understand the words of Jesus that are being taught to them, this is because their ears are hearing Jesus’ message in the divine language of Tongues which only their spirits can properly translate, or only the qualified believer-scholar of the Gospel of Disaster can translate.
    6 And the people were amazed for it seemed to be absolute that the disciples of Jesus were extremely powerful and blessed and even endorsed by God himself. And the people knew that it wasn’t just the wine talking.
    7 This became even more evident as the disciple Peter stood and said to the people, Of course it isn’t the wine, for this is only our third keg! This has all been spoken by some prophet of old called Joazahebaziah who said,
    8 And I promise you this that in the days right after Jesus has ascended unto heaven and just prior to the last days of all men on the earth, that God shall choose special men on whom he shall pour all of his divinity and spiritual truths and knowledge,
    9 And these men shall be the disciples of Jesus and shall be vested with the task of imparting the one and only spiritual scriptures and truth upon the lot of humanity. It is therefore in the best interests of all to obey every word they say.
    10 And those special men and women who obey what the disciples of Jesus say shall be granted full access to heaven, full escape from the tortures of the last times of the end days,
    11 And they shall be granted the rights to divine prophecy and spiritual vision and televangelist dreams, and they shall have the right to make slaves out of all of those who would believe other than what the Gospel of Disaster preaches.
    12 It shall be that whenever the skies show great wonders of bright lights and streaks of falling stars, and whenever the earth shall cry out and split and spew forth smoke and fire and poisonous vapors,
    13 Whenever the light of the sun is darkened and the color of the moon is turned into blood so shall all men know, whether or not they want to, that what the disciples preach is pure truth and the only truth,
    14 And so shall all of these same things mean that the time of Jesus coming back is right around the corner, so ya’ll better look busy. Remember that it shall be that whoever shall believe in only whatever the Gospel of Disaster preaches shall be saved.
    15 The disciples preached on, saying, Everyone, hear our words! For Jesus gave us the power of God that he possessed. And Jesus demonstrated that he was the one with the real truth and the only access to the truth and what is considered the truth.
    16 Because of his knowledge and understanding of the truth Jesus was put to death by the establishment of those who would wantonly and willfully abandon the truth and the honor of what people should really be believing in.
    17 Jesus was nailed to a cross and killed by those who would have you believe that there is more than one truth and one way and more than one path that leads to God. But in the end the joke was on those who murdered Jesus,
    18 For those who nailed him to the cross could not hold Jesus to death! And he came back from the dead just like that guy Michael in those stab ‘em movies of the seventies and eighties.
    19 And there shall be a day when Jesus will come back to earth in person and decimate everything and everyone who does not believe in his brand of faith, but until then he will just wage war on everyone he does not like.
    20 Blessings shall be heaped upon those who fight all those in opposition to the Gospel of Disaster and they shall be called warriors of God! And these warriors shall lead by fear and by threatening eternal damnation in the lent filled pockets of hell.
    21 All true believers of the Gospel of Disaster should know that there will be those who will do everything within their power to twist the words and the teachings of Jesus into something evil and horrible.
    22 They will paint the teachings of Jesus to mean something pretty and free and meant to sculpt the minds of men into something agreeable and tolerable of all truths.     23 They will try to tell all men that people are meant to roam free in their thoughts and meant to live in peace and harmony while all doing and believing their own thing.
    24 They will try to sell people on the idea that all men can be prophets of God if they opened their minds and hearts to everything around them.
    25 They will try to seed the idea that the throne of God is the love that moves the universe and everything in it.
    26 They will try to convince all those who would hear that there is no hell save for that which men create for themselves, and they will try to say that there are no end times save for those delineated by the wickedness of the actions of men.
    27 They will try to convince all of humanity to abandon the consequences of the real fears of the Gospel of Disaster, and they will try to say that it is that very fear that makes the Gospel of Disaster just that: a disaster.
    28 And Peter ended his alcohol induced rant by saying, So be true to the real message of the crucified Jesus and the Gospel of Disaster! Be exalted by the steadfast stubbornness of the solitary truth you carry,
    29 Earn your place at the right hand of God in the area of his heavenly throne! Do not forget the promise of God as so spoken through Jesus by the prediction of the prophets from hundreds of years ago that stated,
    30 It is promised to the followers and the preachers of the Gospel of Disaster that no matter how the rest of society responds to their nonsensical ravings, the kingdom of God and of the heavens shall be theirs, because they are always right.

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