Thursday, September 1, 2011

Jesus the Good Shepherd of the Blessed Flock has a Great Sense of Humor. Who Knew?

Movies that Never Made it Off the Cutting Room Floor
By: Jesus the Good Shepherd of the Blessed Flock

    Over the last one hundred years or so the motion picture business has bloomed and blossomed into something spectacular. Outstanding acting, riveting stories, and unbelievable special effects have welded the movie business to the hearts and souls of the movie-hungry public. While many individuals are familiar with great cinematic works such as Gone With the Wind, Ben Hur, and Taming of the Shrew, most of these same individuals are not in the least bit aware that these very same cinematic greats owe their existence to their less glamorous predecessors.

    Many of the really great movies came about when film producers and executives were unhappy with or appalled by the first completed versions of films that were brought before them. When this happened the film producers and executives would often change the script a bit, change the  movie title, shuffle the actors around, and then re-shoot the movie. The result, more often than not, would be a cinematic gem for the ages.

    It is my great pleasure to present to you an extensive list of original movies that never made it off the cutting room floor. While I do number them please understand that this does not mean they were developed in this particular order. I number them for simplicity’s sake. The movie titles will be given and then followed by a brief plot explanation. I hope you enjoy this rare cinematic treat.

    1. Blast From My Ass
    NASA discovers a very cheap, yet effective way to travel through time.

    2. Apopcalypto
    A docu-drama of the administration of a country’s politician who twice cheated in presidential elections in order to win.

    3. Gone With My Wind
    Grandpa loses his ‘cork’ and clears the house of all the Thanksgiving guests.

    4. Three Days After the Day Before the Day After Tomorrow
    Climatologists attempt to accurately predict the weather. Includes a feature-length commentary that explains how ‘weather predicting’ is the only job a person is able to keep though that person may be totally wrong in their predictions eighty percent of the time.

    5. Leprechaun IX
    The demonic little green freak experiences emotional melt-down after standing in line at the unemployment office for six hours.

    6. Fried Green Potatoes
    A fast-food chain recycles uneaten French fries.

    7. Batteries are Included
    A local porn shop decides to do the right thing and sell the vibrators with the necessary batteries.

    8. Butch Cassidy and the Sun Block Kid
    Butch Cassidy meanders the Old West while trying to sell cattle ranchers and Native Americans SPF45 sun block.

    9. Interview With an Umpire
    The vampire Gestalt secures a job as a major league baseball umpire for night games.

    10. Totaled Recall
    A gripping film that chronicles the horrible truth that the Florida vote recount was purposely botched.

    11. The Blizzard of Oz
    Dorothy tries to warn the Wicked Witch of an impending severe climate shift.

    12. Malice in Wonderland
    This movie portrays the sad tale of the Mad Hatter murdering the Red Queen after the Jabberwocky refuses to marry him.

    13. Beauty and the Yeast
    Belle sends Gaston to the pharmacist for some nystatin.

    14. Percules
    The son of Zeus opens up a coffee shop on Mount Olympus.

    15. The Bitches of Eastwick
    Three women take revenge on their ex-husbands.

    16. The Tell Tale Fart
    Odiferous methane emanations from downstairs tenants tortures the family in the apartment above them.

    17. Mission Improbable
    You don’t really think all of the votes in the botched Florida elections were recounted, do you?

    18. Seven Years of Bitch
    One man relates his horrific struggle during seven years of wedded un-bliss to a real bitch of a woman.

    19. Mogli Dick
    Our little jungle boy Mogli takes up whaling in order to support his village.

    20. Jungle Nook
    Beer-Sheba opens up a rattan furniture store.

    21. Barbie of Seville
    Damn! That blonde bitch is everywhere!

    22. Herbie the Bedbug
    Our VW pal turns out to be one hell of a marriage counselor.

    23. Yellow Snow White
    That asshole dwarf Dopey keeps pissing the bed.

    24. Vinnie the Pooh
    Vinnie the Pooh takes out Christopher Robin on Kanga’s orders.

    25. Snappy Dragon, Grouchy Tiger
    A movie about women with severe PMS.

    26. Godfathers
    David Koresh, Jim Jones, and Charlie Manson all fight for the title ‘Lamb of God’.

    27. Harry is Stoned on the Sorcerer’s Pot
    Harry finds out why Hagrid has such a huge appetite.

    28. Stir of Geckos
    Our little insurance reptiles wreak havoc by raising the deductible rates for collision insurance.

    29. Office Spaced
    Office personnel devise new and novel ways to do as little as possible while at work.

    30. Amnesty-Ville Horror
    Castro empties Cuba’s prisons and sends the cons to the United States as political refugees.

    31. Top Guns
    Documents the frightening truth about the availability of weapons to America’s youth.

    32. National Lampooned Penitentiary Vacation
    Chronicles the life and times of Martha Stewart during her incarceration.

    33. True Lie
    An attempt to explain the real reason for the United States military presence in the Middle East.

    34. The Santa Clod
    Jolly Saint Nick fights Hodgkin’s and high cholesterol.

    35. Clear and Present Ranger
    Casper the Ghost takes a job as Texas law enforcement.

    36. Sleepy Fellow
    The Headless Horseman fights severe narcolepsy.

    37. Super-Duper Size Me
    A fast-food chain offers Viagra in kid meals.

    38. Shorted Circuit
    Documents the staggering amount of idiot politicians within government.

    39. 28 Minutes Later
    Chronicles the amount of time a former child-movie star can stay out of trouble and sober after being released from jail…yet again.

    40. Indianapolis Jones and the Raiders of My Panty Drawer
    Who knew joining a fraternity could be so fun!

    41. Star Warts
    Hand Solo tries to explain to Doc Vader that he got his newest case of genital warts from Princess Laid-a-Lot.

    42. Seven Crimes for Seven Mothers
    Documents crimes by women with children such as Ma Barker and the Texas Cheerleader Mom.

    43. The Hunt for Dead October
    Major League Baseball’s team the Kansas City Royals disappoint fans yet again by finishing dead last in everything.

    44. Shitty-Shitty Bang-Bang
    A gripping film that presents clear and concise arguments as to why every state should have a Lemon Law in regards to selling used vehicles.

    45. The Little Barmaid
    Ariel has to get a second job at a local pub when the lazy Prince Eric refuses to work.

    46. The Slutty Professor
    A true story of a teacher who decided it was okay to sleep with one of her fourteen-year-old students.

    47. Ratty-Tootie
    When you shower…use the soap AND use it EVERYWHERE!

    48. Fatal Distraction
    An in-depth film on the staggering number of vehicle collisions caused by using cell phones while driving.

    49. Jacks With My Beanstalk
    A garden shop gives away free carjacks with each sale of a beanstalk. What? What were you thinking I was going to put here? Shame on you!

    50. Maiming of the Shrew
    A harrowing story of a man who plans revenge on his mother-in-law after she tries to drive him crazy by telling him how to raise his kids, treat his wife, and spend his money.

For more information on the wondrous humor of the divine beings in the universe:

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