Friday, September 2, 2011

The Sixteenth Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible)

The Tenement Gospel
 (the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible)

The Book of II Tim-Tim
(the sixteenth book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Yo, this be another letter to ya’ll who be thinkin’ that ya’ll way of worship be the only way to worship all that be God in this great, grand, and glorious universe.
    2 Hell, I be knowin’ little, teeny children who be lisnin’ and be behavin’ better than ya’ll be lisnin’ an’ behavin’. Shee-it.
    3 I be tellin’ ya’ll what, I be thankin’ God everyday an’ every night that I ain’t be caught up in the twisted hierarchy of religion an’ shit like ya’ll be.
    4 An’ believe me, havin’ to be repeatin’ myself yet again to ya’ll be bringin’ tears to my eyes, ‘cause it sho’ do be makin’ me crazy to be repeatin’ myself when they ain’t no need to be doin’ so if ya’ll asses only be lisnin’ in the first place. Shee-it.
    5 Now I be wantin’ to lay my hands on the muthas who be fannin’ the flames of religious differences, layin’ my hands on they throats an’ squeezin’ until they be shuttin’ the fuck up with they crazy talk of they God bein’ better than somebody else’s. Shee-it.
    6 For God don’t be wantin’ ya’ll to be havin’ spirits of cowards that be pickin’ on people who be believin’ different than you,
    7 ‘Cause bein’ like that ain’t no different than bein’ like the assholes who be actin’ like fools ‘cause they ain’t be sober with alterin’ chemicals and alcoholic drinks coursin’ through they brains.
    8 Ya’ll be gettin’ this shit straight, ‘aight? Ya’ll don’t be needin’ to be ashamed of varyin’ faiths in God and everythin’ that be God, you dig? ‘Cause when you be feelin’ shame for these things ya’ll be sufferin’ evils ya’ll don’t need to be sufferin’.
    9 ‘Cause each callin’ of faith in each person be a holy call for there be many, many faiths that be makin’ up all that God be, you dig?
    10 Once you be allowin’ the truth that all faiths and all paths lead to God to be manifestin’ in ya’lls hearts all ya’ll will be findin’ that all stuntin’ and stoppin’ forms of death be nullified in what be incorruptible light of truth in love and love in truth.
    11 An’ it be for this that I be a petitioner of ya’lls ears, a herald of what the truth of truths be, an’ currently a teacher to a buncha’ students who apparently don’t be wantin’ to be lisnin’ to they teacher, goddamnnit.
    12 An’ here I be sufferin’ ‘cause I be findin’ that I be repeatedly required to be draggin’ my ass all the way out to where ya’ll be in the friggin’ boondocks of the boondocks…all to be remindin’ yo’ asses to calm the hell down. Shee-it.
    13 It be comin’ to my attentions that ya’ll be sayin’ that words that be in healthy patterns be done so in faith an’ love,
    14 But I be tellin’ ya’ll that be a load of shit, ‘cause healthy words put into pretty little patterns be meanin’ dick when the patterns of ya’lls faith don’t be healthy. Shee-it.
    15 An’ cause you ain’t be guardin’ the good deposits of what be consistin’ of faith and love that all that be makin’ up God be puttin’ in ya’lls hearts,
    16 Ya’lls religious ego be writin’ alls kinds of crazy ass checks ya’lls Gospel of Disaster cain’t be cashin’ no way an’ no how.

To get the full version of The Tenement Gospel:

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