Friday, September 2, 2011

The Sixth Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible)

The Tenement Gospel
(the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible)
The Book of Roaming
(the sixth book of The Tenement Gospel)
Chapter 1

    1 I, Maul, a slave of the Gospel of Disaster, an appointed disciple of the Information Nazis, an individual of definite and obvious mental detachment by all accounts of his psychiatrists,
    2 Doth ordain and establish this Book of Roaming to be about the Gospel of Disaster and its message of subjugation by means of a fear based faith.
    3 Being one of the appointed disciples of the crucified Jesus, I am therefore permitted the power to preach all those things which God does speak directly to me via my pay-as-you-go phone.
    4 And God has told me to tell you that it was written by people hundreds of years ago that they heard that other people had prophesied that those of the Gospel of Disaster would have the ownership of the obedience of the true faith of all faiths,
    5 Those dedicated to the Gospel of Disaster shall be those of nations above nations, for what they shall be doing shall be called, duh! Winning!
    6 I thank my lucky stars that I have been afforded the chance to happen upon the will of God and the salvation of the same, for in doing so I have guaranteed my own admittance into heaven no matter what amount of craziness may befall me in my life.
    7 My God is my own witness that I serve the indelible truth and I pray the right prayers and I think the right thoughts and I know the right people and I make the right divine connections.
    8 I write this book to impart unto those who would read it the spiritual gift of the given establishment of faith, and to impart unto them the stubborn knowledge that the Gospel of Disaster is right and everyone else is wrong.
    9 And I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Disaster or for my knowledge of my being right, for it is the power of the fear of what my God will do unto all those who do not believe the same as myself that sustains me.
    10 For those who hold fast to the Gospel of Disaster shall not ever worry about having to reveal the righteousness of their faith or their God because they are right to begin with, which therefore makes it a waste of time to question their motives and authority in eternal and spiritual matters.
    11 He who has ears to hear probably does not live near an airport, for verily I say unto you that all disciples of the true crucified Jesus have been given the right to enact the wrath of God onto all in humanity who are within shouting distance.
    12 May it be known unto all that the disciples and teachers of the Gospel of Disaster are correct in their statements that they, and they alone have full access to the words of the only truth.
    13 It is true that there are many things in this universe that are invisible to the minds of many men. However, true submission to the Gospel of Disaster makes all things visible to those who follow such a twisted truth.
    14 It is true that many claim that the interpretations of scripture according to the Gospel of Disaster are false and outright lies. This is a claim made by people who only wish to lead their lives according to the wickedness in their greedy hearts.
    15 Individuals such as these are always attacking the Gospel of Disaster and its stance of intolerance in a vain attempt to try to validate doing the sinful and evil things they insist upon doing.
    16 And they despise the Gospel of Disaster and the disciples for telling them that upon death they shall for eternity burn in hell.
    17 The same men who killed the crucified Jesus now claim that we have incorrectly abused the words and works and teachings of Jesus, but how can this be when Jesus gave us the power to translate his messages in a manner that best suits what people should be believing in the first place?
    18 But because those who follow the Tenement Gospel do not like the scriptural interpretations we have placed according to Jesus and God, they try to invalidate them by declaring that the interpretations are fraudulent.
    19 Not only that, but the same morons also claim that much of what the Gospel of Disaster teaches is pure poppycock and intentionally added to the already heavily substituted faith.
    20 Much of what the Gospel of Disaster has to say about anything is straight up ignored and twisted by those of the Tenement Gospel. But do not allow yourselves to worry as they are going to hell anyways.
    21 All those who would believe differently than how the Gospel of Disaster instructs are worthy of nothing more than death.
Chapter 2

    1 It is absolutely important that I, Maul, offer within this letter the instructions for how to behave in the proper self-righteous fashion,
    2 For those of the precious flock of the Gospel of Disaster will risk their salvation if they do not know how to properly behave around non-believers.
    3 Verily I say unto you that it has been written by someone claiming to be inspired by God, that whenever possible it is important that followers of the Gospel of Disaster gather and test out their techniques and game plans in order that they not be overcome by the harlot pagans of all other beliefs.
    4 It is utterly important that all followers of the Gospel of Disaster remember that it their God given, Jesus assigned duty to harass and pester all those of the incorrect faiths,
    5 For those converts who do not wish to do their duty and preach the Gospel of Disaster to all shall have their salvation revoked in entirety.
    6 While preaching the Gospel of Disaster it is very important to remember and practice everything I tell you here. Start by gathering unto you some individuals of the same one truth faith,
    7 For the absolute last thing you should ever do is try to approach those of wicked faiths or of no faith at all by yourself. Non-believers will hone in on solitary teachers of the Gospel of Disaster and make sacrifices of them.
    8 You must remember to be diligent in finding out things about the non-believers that you know God and Jesus would not approve of. Remember, if it is not in the Gospel of Disaster, it is not truth.
    9 Condemn all good works of all non-believers, for it clearly says in the scriptures of truth that practicing good works will not be getting anyone any closer to Jesus than the next guy.
    10 Downplay all of the fine qualities of an individual’s character if they do not believe as you do. Be sure to tell them that no matter how many homeless people they clothe and feed they will no go to heaven,
    11 No matter how many street gang members they save they will not go to heaven, no matter how many drug addicts they get to change their lives, no matter how many orphans they help they can never enjoy the sweetness of eternity with Jesus.
    12 Always remind the unbelievers that heaven and eternity in bliss is only for those people who follow the Gospel of Disaster and its disciples.
    13 Whenever a non-believer attempts to answer any question you may throw their way it is important to talk down to them and make them feel as persecuted as possible. After all, it was the non-believers who persecuted and then killed the crucified Jesus. What goes around, comes around. Right?
    14 It is very important to make fun of everything about the non-believer. Make fun of their clothes, especially if they are expensive, for if they are wearing nice clothing then you can safely bet they are not tithing the required amount to the Gospel of Disaster, if at all.
    15 Make fun of the make-up and the jewelry that is worn by non-believers, going great lengths to tell those people who wear the big hoolah-hoop earrings that they are whores and harlots.
    16 If you come across non-believers who have many things of the pleasures of the world make it a point to tell them that Satan has taken over their hearts and convinced them to buy things of the flesh instead of giving the money to the church as they should.
    17 The main key is to get the non-believers you come across to feel as absolutely horrible as possible, and if you can manage to get them exceedingly angry and offended at the same time that is very good and you will receive extra kudos points from God for that.
    18 The moment you realize that you have the non-believer backed into the corner of fever pitch anger that is the moment you should release both barrels of the speech where you remind them they are going to hell for believing differently.
    19 Recognize the importance of telling the non-believer that if they were doing nothing wrong, then why are they getting so awfully defensive.
    20 If they respond that the reason they are getting so angry is your smarmy religious smugness you must respond with, Why are you trying to direct the conversation away from the fact that you are not answering the question of why you are getting so defensive?
    21 Do your absolute best to interrupt them as much as possible and take everything they say as far out of context as possible.
    22 On occasion, you will come across those non-believers who are more along the lines of being weak minded than being spiritually stubborn.
    23 It is these weak ones that are the easiest to trap with fear and drag into the tenets of the Gospel of Disaster.
    24 The weaker minded you perceive the non-believer to be the more aggressive you should be with bulldozing them with ridiculous claims of impending doom. Do not forget that if you are citing the horrors of the last days you should have your translated scripture with you.
    25 This way you can reference the parts of the doctored scriptures that validate the crap you are persistently selling with such disregard. Make sure that as you are reading your validating scriptural choice that you make things sound as detrimental as possible,
    26 For verily I say unto you that once you have successfully planted the seed of the Gospel of Disaster into the minds of men you are in for a real treat,
    27 For as you watch the events of the supposed divine battle over a person’s soul and spirit unfold right before your very eyes you will see that it will totally drive the non-believer who truly worries about such things absolutely bat shit,
    27 For allowing that seed to flower and bring forth fruit that will cause the non-believer to wonder what will happen to them when they die is absolutely worth your every penny, and likewise worth every bit of your time to watch.
    28 The more scary and painful you make a non-believer’s afterlife experience sound the greater the chance that sooner or later they will come crawling back to you to ask you to help them to cover their non-believing ass just in case the whole Jesus coming back thing is for real.
    29 And be sure to down play absolutely every good deed or deeds that they regularly participate in to include philanthropy, community service, and even good parenting,
    30 For none of that shit matters so long as they refuse to acknowledge and fully embrace the Gospel of Disaster,
    31 For the disciples of the Gospel of Disaster have time and again made it very clear that God and the crucified Jesus made things very easy for people by giving all of humanity the choice to either join the flock, or die.

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