Friday, September 2, 2011

The Ninth Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible)

 The Tenement Gospel
(the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible)

The Book of ‘Latians
(the ninth book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Pawl, a space cadet, not like any other men who be even remotely normal, but through the Purple Pieman and the Pied Piper of Hamlin who lured a whole buncha rats and brats away from inner city slums,
    2 And to all the schizophrenic muthas out there who be preachin’ the psychopathic Gospel of Disaster babble,
    3 What it is, is what it was, and what it’s gonna be, foh-shizzle!
    4 To all that be love and to all that be comprisin’ everything that be what God is, may all that be blessin’ yo’ asses mightily.
    5 I be comin’ before you from the Whisperin’ Pinecone Asylum in ’Latia to be bringin’ you the truth about the fabled story of Goldihops and the Three Bronx Cheers.
    6 May you be takin’ this truth an’ be spreadin’ it for all to be hearin’, amen.
    7 A long, long time ago, way back before anyone really cared enough to record the passage of time, there lived a young alcoholic named Goldihops.
    8 Goldihops lived in a great big tenement housing development where police choppers peppered the sky day and night,
    9 Where the babbling of brooks and streams could be heard from the busted pipes, and where someone was constantly killing someone else.
    10 One fine Christmas Eve, Goldihops awoke not feeling very well. She had a hangover.
    11 Goldihops sauntered to her fridge, passing out thrice in the process, twice in the hallway and once in the living room.
    12 She opened her fridge and looked around inside for a cure for her hangover, which, of course, would be another beer.
    13 Much to her dismay she found that her fridge was without life’s sweet mixture of medicine, which was barley and hops.
    14 Goldihops closed her fridge and then rummaged through the rent money in her piggy bank for the proper amount of change needed to buy a couple of forty-ounce beers.
    15 Finding the proper amount of money she then left her shabby-ass tenement dwelling and began walking to the local mini-mart.
    16 Goldihops had barely made it a half block when she noticed another tenement building. She decided it would be better to ask the occupants if they had any beer rather than walk all the way to the mini-mart.
    17 She knocked on the door of one of the apartments in the tenement building as she simultaneously threw-up on the welcome mat.
    18 Goldihops waited a moment and then knocked on the door again, this time throwing-up in a near-by flower pot.
    19 No one appeared to be home. Of course, Goldihops was far too wasted to really even know if the door were opened if someone had been there. She tried the knob.
    20 Finding the door unlocked she stumbled in through the doorway. Once she gained some semblance of composure she began to look around for valuables.
    21 Seeing as there was nothing of particular value Goldihops went to the bathroom to look for Quaaludes.
    22 On the way to the bathroom she noticed three forty-ounce beers on two-by-fours supported by milk crates. Goldihops went to the first mug and downed the sucker.
    23 A great pressure began to fill her belly, and believing that she was about to belch Goldihops opened her mouth, tilted her head back, and prepared for a deep throaty-growl of a burp.
    24 Much to her surprise, she really was surprised, Goldihops ripped out a prize-winning, blue ribbon fart nearly bringing down the milk crates and two-by-fours with her noxious explosion.
    25 Wide eyed and a little embarrassed she looked around the empty room, saying, Holy Shit! Did I do that? Excuse me!
    26 She then shrugged and moved onto the next forty-ounce, downing it even faster than she did the first one.
    27 Once again Goldihops felt a large pressure building up and glowered at her belly. She waited a moment and then decided the pressure was definitely moving up this time.
    28 She struck a mock opera pose and prepared to belch the alphabet. Strangely enough, the pressure inside Goldihops suddenly veered down and she let out an enormous gust of wind,
    29 It was a fart so big that even the seismologists at the Berkeley Institute would have been impressed.
    30 Goldihops squawked in surprise.
    31 After a few moments she decided to go on ahead and drink the third and final forty-ounce. She grabbed the bottle and sucked it down like a vacuum cleaner on a dirty carpet.
    32 Ahh! This is the good stuff, she said. At this same moment her headache began to pass as the beer she had so quickly ingested began to settle nicely in a field of double vision.
    33 In her last few moments of consciousness she realized it would probably be best if she vacated the premises and left the apartment, heading for her own home.
    34 She made her way down the degraded pavement to her own tenement neighborhood and stumbled into her apartment.
    35 Once inside she fell hard onto her couch, at the same moment releasing a torrent of anal wind that shattered the silence of the winter’s day.
    36 As the paint on the walls of her apartment peeled, Goldihops fell into a sleep so deep it might as well have been called a coma,
    37 And as she slept she dreamed about Christmas Day, hoping that at least one of the presents under the tree was another forty-ounce.

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