Friday, September 2, 2011

The Tenth Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible)

The Tenement Gospel
(the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible)

The Book of ‘Pheses
(the tenth book of The Tenement Gospel)

Chapter 1

    1 Yo, yo, yo! What it be, my homey! This here be ‘Pheses from the south side of Capernaum, comin’ at ya’ll with a message that ya’ll gots to be lisnin’ to, ‘aight?
    2 May it be upon youz all that the grace of all that be makin’ up all that be what God is be fallin’, and may ya’ll be blessed by all things beautiful in this here universe.
    3 And though they be about as appealin’ as nails on a chalk board, many blessin’s to those who be spoutin’ off about the Gospel of Disaster. God be knowin’ they be needin’ somebody to be blessin’ they asses.
    4 Now, I wants to be addressin’ this foolishness that the purveyors of the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ that God be choosin’ who he be savin’ before he even laid the foundations of the world.
    5 First of all, I don’t be wantin’ nunya to be worryin’ ‘cause the very idea of such a ludicrous thing be about as nutty-hoho as one a them Little Debbie cakes I love eatin’ with my morning’ coffee.
    6 Now the idea of God choosin’ who he do and who he don’t want to be savin’ so far in advance is stupid. No only do it mean automatic disaster for some folks, but in a very interestin’ way it be showin’ the meanness of the God of the Gospel of Disaster.
    7 So, ya’ll be thinking’ about it this way, ‘aight? I be makin’ a right good example parody of this for ya’, ‘aight?
    8 Say this construction company be buildin’ a buncha homes, ‘aight? But before they be buildin’ them they be deciding’ which ones they be wantin’ to burn down at some point.
    9 So, never mind that they be buildin’ the homes for nothing’, but they gonna be sellin’ them knowin’ full well theys gonna be burnin’ that shit to the ground.
    10 Think about all that, ‘aight? Do that be soundin’ like somethin’ that be makin’ a whole lotta sense?
    11 It don’t be makin’ no sense, do it? So followin’ on that line of thinkin’, why the fucky-ducky-doo would a God who is supposed to be lovin’ and shit go about sellin’ the lives of soul that he be knowin’ he ain’t gonna be savin’?
    12 Shee-it. Talk about buyin’ somethin’ that be sold under the stupid phrasin’ ‘As Is’. So, the po’ folk who be gettin’ the lives that be doomed before they even be started be gettin’ the really short end of the stick, foh-shizzle that be the truth.
    13 And if that supposedly lovin’ God be already knowin’ who he be savin’ and who he ain’t be savin’, why don’t he save hisself some time an’ a shit load of materials by not even makin’ them in the first damn place.
    14 Then we be comin’ to the question of why this lovin’ God be creatin’ souls that he know he ain’t gonna be savin? Why would he be doin’ that? For shits and giggles? Why create somethin’ if it be known that it just gonna be sufferin’?
    15 You know what? It be soundin’ to me like the God of the Gospel of Disaster be likin’ crazy shit like sufferin’ and all. He like to see people squirm and bein’ in need of food and clothin’ and shelter.
    16 He like bein’ in control of peoples lives and shit, sayin’, I choose you, or I don’t choose you.
    17 He be likin’ to be seein’ people sufferin’, then he be goin’ extra crazy by convincing’ his converts that sufferin’ and blood loss be a good thing, that they be needed for salvation, and shit.
    18 Christ, what they followers of the Gospel of Disaster be needin’ is to be saved from they own crazy assed religion that don’t be helpin’ nobody no how. Shee-it.
    19 Pickin’ people who he be wantin’ to survive and pickin’ people who he be wantin’ to die and burn in hell before everything even be made is the same goddamn thing as fixin’ a friggin’ horserace. Shee-it.
    20 Not to mention that somebody who be behavin’ like that ain’t be a lovin’ God, I don’t care how the fucky-doo you try to word it.
    21 Now there ain’t be nothin’ remotely lovin’ or forgivin’ or redemptive about this type of behavior from the God of the Gospel of Disaster. Basically, what he be doin’ is creatin’ fuck-ups to make hisself look better in the end. Whatever, man. Whatever.
    22 Then to make his circle of stupidity complete he be sayin’ shit like, God be movin’ in mysterious ways. Shee-it. Sound to me like he be movin’ in Machiavellian ways.
    23 There ain’t no praise an’ glory to be found in settin’ people up for failure, and if that be what the God of the Gospel of Disaster be doin’ then he ain’t worthy of my love and devotion. A mean God ain’t be one I want to be knowin’.

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