Thursday, September 1, 2011

God IS the Persevering Gift Giver

Buying Gifts for Recipients You Really Don’t Want to Buy For
By: God the Persevering

    Last Christmas my boss God Almighty decided to begin a new tradition at work. He decided that from then on we would all participate in a Secret Santa gift exchange. This meant that everybody’s name would go into a hat, my boss would shake it up, and then everyone would pick out a name. The name an individual picked would be the individual they were to purchase a gift for.

    In theory this is a pretty good idea. In practice it is a stupid idea. Inevitably there will always be someone at the office that you absolutely detest and you can put good money on it you will end up pulling their name. For me things are a little bit worse as I work with quite a few individuals I can’t stand to even be around. For example, Lucifer is a whiner who always gets what he wants every time he stamps his cloven little hooves and complains to his dad. Jesus the Good Shepherd of the Blessed Flock is a kiss-ass who is always running little errands for God Almighty just to gain favor. Christ the Lamb and the Lamb of the Flock don’t deserve anything from me since they are so ever-loving self-righteous.

    Anyways, the day we pulled the names out of the hat I was very irritated as I drew Lucifer’s name. Lucky me, right? I went for a drive and ended up stopping at a gas station for a snack. I went inside the gas station store and was happily surprised as, lo and behold, but there in front of the cashier’s counter stood a rack of trinkets and collectables, all inexpensive. I picked out six key chains, seventeen mini flashlights, nine low-quality bungee tie packs, eleven cheapie tire pressure testers, and forty-eight tree shaped car air fresheners…all for a measly three bucks. After returning home I began to consider other items that were cheap and that could be passed off as gifts. I now share with you this pertinent information.

    Toiletries and sundry items are amazingly cheap and easy to find. I suggest purchasing one of those fifty-cent birthday bags and stuffing it with toothbrushes, soaps, body washes, shavers, shaving cream, lotions, combs, brushes, tampons, and maxi pads. Sometimes you can even find an actual sundry set that sells all of these very same items altogether for an agreeable price.

    Household items such as door mats, bathroom rugs for the toilet, kitchen sponges, brooms, mops, plungers, closet hangers, and key chain holders are inexpensive yet functional gifts. There are even quite a few kitchen appliances that are relatively cheap. These items include one slice toasters, blenders that possess only one speed, manual can openers, utensil drawer trays, and cheapie microwaves (the kind that take six days to cook a frozen burrito).

    Personal clothing items can be found for pennies on the dollar at any ninety-nine cent establishment. Clothing items include underwear, socks, panty hose, bras, jock straps, lingerie, and garters. Check the clearance racks for such items as pants, skirts, jackets, and shirts. These items are usually dirt cheap considering that most individuals would not want to be caught dead wearing them at home, much less out in public.

    Entertainment items are many times so inexpensive you can purchase them with wampum, thereby avoiding having to use your own real money. Some of these items are disposable cameras, travel alarm clocks, universal remotes, walkie-talkies (the ones that are poorly manufactured and have a range of about twelve feet), and laser pens. Electronic pocket games are another good choice. DVDs, albeit those with titles you’ve never heard, can be bought by the armload with minimal expenditure. These DVDs usually have names like The Day of the UFO, Chased by the Devil, It Came From the Bottom of the Sea, Battle in Space, and Tasty Morsel of the Vampire.

    Self-help tapes and audio disks are another good idea, provided that you are not purchasing the ones that really do help the self. The real and well-known self-help audio products are very expensive. Titles you should look for are “Discover Your Hidden Violent Streak”, “Taking Over the World in Just Three Weeks”, “Stop Smoking, Start Drinking”, “Administering Your Own Shock Therapy”, and “How to File a Frivolous Lawsuit”.

    There are plenty of other items that do not necessarily fit into any particular category. Some of these items are matches and lighter fluid (deep down inside everyone is a pyromaniac), scented candles, computer mouse pads, miniature screwdriver sets, sticky car compasses, fuzzy dice, miniature sewing kits, scarves and mittens, flip-flops, lotion dispensers, and refrigerator magnets.

    I hope what I have had to say is very helpful to you. Now you can approach any gift-giving season with confidence and gusto.

God loves you and wants you to laugh:

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