Friday, September 2, 2011

The Second Book of The Tenement Gospel (the REAL Holy Bible translation)

The Tenement Gospel 
(the REAL version of the original translation of the Holy Bible New Testament)

The Book of Mac Daddy 
(the book following M'tew)

Chapter 1

    1 This is the story of the Tenement Gospel according to Jesus Christ. You can read along in your book. You will know it is time to turn the page when you hear a monstrous clapping sound and are struck by lightning.
    2 Now, if this particular story were a musical score each character would be represented by a particular instrument: Jesus by the lazy bumble bee hum of a kazoo, Pete by the twing-twang of a Kentucky banjo, Juan by the explosive echo of a fart,
    3 Jaime by the vibrato of a belch, Mac Daddy by the steel drums, Judes by the metal triangle, Koresh by the skin flute, Mufasa by the coach’s whistle, Carlos by the corn cob piccolo, M’Tew by the pots and pans cymbals,
    4 Lou by the hollow sound of an empty moonshine jug, J-Dog by the ding-dong of a doorbell, and Webster by nails on a chalkboard.
    5 Luckily, this is not that kind of story so we won’t be subjected to what would in all likeliness be an incredibly horrific sound.
    6 So, a mega long time ago this shittingly fragrant guy named Juan the Baptist who was a moon-shiner by trade, was charged with preparing his city for when Jesus would be dropping by. This plan did not work out well as Juan became slobbering drunk at a wedding feast, decided to go for a walk, and became lost in the desert.
    7 For three days Juan’s friends and family looked for him and eventually found him meandering around the wilderness, crying out, What the hell did I do with my goddamn compass?
    8 When Juan came back to the city he began to preach the Tenement Gospel to anyone who would hear, which actually turned out to be about three people.
    9 And Juan was clothed in the garb of the homeless, his socks and underwear more than capable of standing up and jumping hurtles all on their own.
    10 Juan preached, If there is any man who smells stronger than me let him speak now or forever hold his nose. I baptize you with the water I should be using to wash my filthy body, but he shall baptize you with Starbucks.
    11 And wouldn’t you know it, but Jesus came to Juan and brought him a venti chai tea latte, extra hot, no water, and six pumps of chai all made with whole milk.
    12 So, Juan baptized Jesus and in the process Jesus grabbed Juan by the lapels and dragged him down into the water with him.
    13 As soon as they came up out of the water the air was cleared as the force field of dirt covering Juan fell down around him. And some disembodied voice from the sky said to Jesus,
    14 Thank you for doing that, Jesus. I am well pleased as this mutha was getting pretty damn stinky.
    15 And Jesus asked, What did I win? And God said,
    16 You have just won a beautiful vacation in a desert in the middle of nowhere for forty days and forty nights during which Satan will ask you a whole bunch of trick questions.
    17 And Jesus said, Can’t I just take the cash value of the trip?
    18 But before Jesus had even finished his question God had already zapped him through a wormhole to the desert.
    19 After eating a large amount of peyote that he thought was simply shrooms Jesus was quite sure that the wild animals and the angels were talking to him and giving him advice on his financial portfolio. Satan completely forgot about the appointment and never showed up.
    20 During the time Jesus was trippin’ in the desert Juan the Baptist had been arrested for disturbing the peace and reckless endangerment for operating a chariot while under the influence of religion.
    21 When Jesus finally made it back to the city he began to preach and teach the Tenement Gospel to all the people, saying,
    22 Times up! Pencils down! The kingdom of God does not and cannot draw near because it is already here. Open your eyes and your hearts and live in the abundance you were intended to live in.
    23 Then Jesus went past the public pier at the Sea of Galilee and spotted Pete and Juan doing trash pick-up with a couple of Sheriffs watching.
    24 And Jesus said to them, Quick! The sheriffs are not watching! Come with me if you want to live.
    25 And Pete and Juan did as Jesus had instructed them, paying no mind to the fact that their sentence of community service just turned into an extended jail term.
    26 Walking along with Jesus they came upon Jaime and Mac Daddy trying to steal the shiny, low-rider rims from a horse cart.
    27 And Jesus said to them, Quick! Your neighbor just called the cops! Come with me if you want to stay out of jail.
    28 Sticking to this particular plan of action Jesus picked twelve men for his motorcycle club, and when he was finished suckering people into following him he walked into the temple meaning to pick a fight with the scribes and Pharisees.
    29 Immediately upon entering the temple a man who was a Pharisee whom Jesus had earlier beaten for looking at him wrong cried out in terror, saying,
    30 What’d I do? What’d I do? And Jesus said,
    31 You know what you did, you prick. Now shut the hell up! The big people are talking. And the scribes and Pharisees were very angry with Jesus for they were not in the least bit familiar with people treating them in such a manner. It was always vice versa.
    32 And Jesus preached the Tenement Gospel in the temple, but the scribes and Pharisees did not stop him for they were afraid of him since he showed no fear in their presence.
    33 After Jesus had left that place he walked to another city and preached to them and gave them free healthcare and satellite television.
    34 Then in the projects of Capernaum a man approached Jesus and said, Lord, I am addicted to crack. Please heal me!
    35 As you wish, said Jesus as he hit the man exceedingly hard in the face. The man fell to the ground in pain and asked Jesus why he had done that. And Jesus said,
    36 You asked for help, so I helped you by knocking some sense into you.
    37 And the man’s face lit with joy for he did feel smarter.
    38 And the healed crack addict traveled far and wide, telling everyone of his miracle healing while buying small baggies of crystal meth to smoke.

For the rest of The Tenement Gospel:

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